oh wait.. please?
June 13, 2008 10:00 PM"Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
Ill be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
Ill be missing you"
-"I'll Be Missing You" by P. Diddy ft. Faith Evans
[Just because I know the intense literary prowess of everyone I will forward this blog to, please say the title of this blog (oh wait.. please?) out loud until you understand what I'm trying to do there]
I'll put up pictures as they circulate around and I get access to them :] Today was your day '08, as much as I wanted to jump into every picture possible there just seemed to be a line not to cross, so sorry if I acted like I was secluding myself; because I was. I think here is another good benchmark to think about all that's happened, because I haven't really done that for a while. There are a lot of things that don't make it to this page that I prefer to keep to myself, and I guess the least to say is that a lot has changed. In me.
2007-2008, part two of the underclassman experience. Nothing short of a cacophony of moral lessons, individualistic revelations, new relationships, trends, mistakes... experiences. No amount of preparation could keep me from simply experiencing what it is to be a high schooler, and the less I tried to run away from the fact, the faster I learned the right way to do things. I can't say that I don't run away and take the easy way out, because I do, but I'm gettin' there :]
Anyhow, I guess now is to splurge every single person that comes to mind for this year, regardless of whether or not the meaningful relationship happened in this particular segment of time...
[I will rework this into alphabetical order... just for equity, but for now you get to see if I really love you... jk my brain isn't perfectly logical so it isn't a good indicator for who comes to mind first so... don't shoot me]
If I were to add to your yearbook, this is what I would say :]
Jane Park - You taught me so much I don't even really know where to begin. When all I saw was darkness and turned away from the light, you convinced me otherwise. You showed me that all I really had to do was choose to want to be happy, choose which direction I want to go even if I don't succeed all the time. I've found out so much about myself and benefitted so much just from talking to you in my weakest of moments and taking in what you said to the heart, even if not all at once. Most importantly, and most recently probably, was that I choose how I want to be. I choose to do the unnecessary things, and I can change and stop the pain right away. It's not what I can or cannot do, it's what I choose to do. You helped me toward this realization and I don't think I could ever be happier with at least some sort of tool to fight the despondency. You took away my anger, hatred, and vanity. You always offered the bright perspective, whether or not you convinced me that you believed in it. Thank you so much, God bless.
"I don't like it when it's cold >_>... I don't like when it's cold either."
-Jane being logically superior than me.
Eugene: Dude that's hella whack.
Jane: Hecka.
Eugene: Sorry, Mom.
-Oops?
Jane: yeah it's thurs haha it's about 13 hours time difference i think
Eugene: oh
Eugene: yeah
Eugene: i think it's actually like, 16 hours
Eugene: lol
Eugene: 9 pm - 1 pm
-Jane in Korea, through the magic of the internets...
Vince Yang - You started it all. I realized you are the keystone to my life. I looked around all my life and saw everything terrible, and yet I had not a clue why anything was the way it was. The day you left, the day you started on something new, I lost everything. Not quite, I lost sight of everything. I was lonely, and I didn't know what the feeling was supposed to be like. I had never been without you in my life, and now, more so than last year, I've been becoming the man I know you'd be proud of, and one that I can be proud of for myself. The feeling of people coming and going has been numbed to me by our broken connection. I say this not to belittle what relationships I have with the seniors this year, but who the hell else is going to be like you are to me? How long have I tried to replace you, only to fail utterly? How much can I love another person when they simply don't feel the same way toward me. Some people are worth it, others aren't. When it comes to who I value in life, I guess there's a balance between how they make me feel, and how much I mean to them.
"It's only awkward if you make it awkward."
-Vince in his infinite wisdom.
"Dude watch this video."
-He sends me about 54 YouTube videos per week... that's hyperbole.
Albert Lee - You will probably never read this. Three summers ago, you became one of the single most greatest impacts on my life. You were my coach, but more than that, you were my mentor. It all fits really well actually, because the role of the mentor is to leave and let the student figure out if he really learned what his mentor left for him to master. There is still much you left me to do, but I don't think I've ever held onto any ideals more strongly than yours. You taught me to be strong, you taught me to achieve, and you taught me to work hard, genuinely. You made everything in my reach, made me want to do it for myself, and made me appreciate myself. Maybe you only taught me tkd, but real teachers don't ever really teach you what they set out to do. Or at least, that's not all the teach you.
"Naw cuz, you ain't got no heart. Why are you here? Look at him, he's been here since 8 AM, and he's giving it his all. Just leave if you can't handle it."
-Albert kicking out a flake, accidentally praising me for the first time ever.
"Dude, your guards gotta be on the inside of your uniform. Do you see anyone else wearing them on the outside?"
-About 20 seconds before my first tournament match, I had to strip off my guards hella fast and put them underneath my uniform.
"C'mon dude you're wearing two chestguards."
-Albert whooping the shit outta me so that I don't get scared in a ring...
Eugene: Are they all hella good?
Albert: Why, you scared?
Eugene: Yeah.
Albert: They're not gonna hurt you dude, just relax and do what you do.
-Eugene getting mismatched at WTC.
Brian Aller - You showed me what it takes to be honorable. You distinguish truth and false without fail, with a clear and lucid distinction that makes your personality powerful and commanding. Whether or not I agree is not the matter, for you always offer a just and reasonable explanation, and openly accept the alternative if there is one. I only hope that your charisma has rubbed off on me, and that I too will be a leader and dependable benefactor to society. Your infinite patience and understanding is an incredible gift, I'm glad I've been around to partake in the generosity with which you distribute.
"Hey girrrrl, what's your favorite key signature?"
-Brian Aller at CMEA, unable to restrain his manly charm.
"EUgene."
-His misplacement of emphasis irks me.
Derek Uchiumi - You taught me what it means to be a friend. You taught me what it's like to stick with it as, so many people have said this year, "through thick and thin." You're thick I'm thin. Haha jk that's not what I meant. Anyhow, you are a true friend to me, a discardable and invalid sophomore that actually made some kind of impact to you as a friend. I will remember you for your incredible compassion and ability to make me smile, or at least, scoff, at the extreme downs I've had this year. I will really miss having you there no matter what next year, just a friend always down for whatever, and someone who really cares about the people he interacts with.
"Would you like to donate to the Derek Taxi Service?"
-Derek being hilarious.
"See me, cuz."
-Derek's horrible attempts to imitate my diction are hilarious.
Masao Taylor - You showed me social etiquette. Your innate affability really shone this year, and I will miss it sorely. You're not necessarily the life of the party, but you fill in everything else. You are the perfect host type of person, you are the go-to kind of guy, and you are definitely the person that makes even the most insecure or awkward person feel comfortable. Maybe except K-Ma, he's kinda always awkward but I dig it. Simply being around you just changes the atmosphere into something familiar, something friendly, and definitely reassuring. Your compassion for friends is reflected by your main group of friends, and you go "above and beyond the call of duty." That is, if there is an expected amount of hospitality or general awareness that is palpable. Santa Cruz isn't exactly the East Coast, but the barrier is quite tangible, and I will miss you most definitely.
"Let's go back to [name's] house and brawl..."
-Every other six seconds of Masao's life.
"Scorecheck."
-Masao shutting down Derek.
Scott Stokes - There's too much to say for you. You are definitely one of the closest to home in any aspect of life for me. I feel like you are the one who can understand everything I go through, because you've been through it all. We grew up in the same type of atmosphere, the same experiences, and somewhat of the same family structure. Maybe not so much on the family structure, but I feel like your relationship with your brother and mom make you so alike to my own that there's just a sort of tacit understanding between us. Another thing I love about you is your logic. Maybe nobody else in the world will tell you this, but you would be an amazing programmer. Your mind is analytical and powerful. You build from the bottom up; analyze, reanalyze. I think it was the syntax that threw you off, but I'm positive. If you had the tools, the work you would get done would be truly amazing. You look at all angles and tear the bigger problems into little ones. Your social ability and effervescent personality only make your qualities even more accessible to everybody around you. You give freely what you have to offer, and you grace the world with your compassion and heart. Your unique style gives your personality an ever elusive status of "cool" that some people just never quite understand. Keep it real cuz.
"Then I just dropped dub one. Flat out. I mean best weekend of my life. Join the dub club, Derek."
-Scotty roasting Derek whilst reminiscing the weekend of prom.
"Eugene is practically a senior. He should be graduating with us, I mean he's as smart or smarter than us, acts like us, taller than Derek. What's he gonna do without us?"
-Not verbatim, but the gist of what Scott said pertaining to my non-senior qualities ie. age. I feel like I've had the fun of a senior this year, or at least a scope of it just kickin' it and whatever. This really melted my heart though, knowing that I'm not your ordinary tag-along.
Frank Lin - I'm really glad I got to know you. You were always there when nobody was, and all I ever wished was that I could return the favor. You've helped me by soaking my monologues and soliloquies, reminding me that people are there when I thought I was alone, and giving me clear, general advice that I could really understand and take with me. If there was ever a friend who loved and cared for others more than anyone else, or to the point of unhealthiness, it would be you. Your open and pure heart for any and all truly astounds me to this day, and I'm just so honored to have such a large claim to your life. You might be a weirdo once in a while, but it's ok because the price of friendship is... your weirdness. Don't let that get you down though, because someone once told me, "Only the strongest or stupidest wear their emotions on their wrists." I know you are the former.
Frank: So does that make you guys Eugene's sisters as well, because he's my little brother?
Jane: Eww, him? Just kidding...
-Frank's ridiculous family tree that is impossible to plot.
Kellie Ouye - You showed me how to let go. Unbeknownst to you or not, you showed me what it means to have fun in life. You epitomized a genuine, thoughtful person who's smart enough to know when to just forget about it all and just see the better parts of life and not let things get to you. Nice sentence structures I'm making here you see. Anyhow, I'm really going to miss your ability to just make do with what you got, no matter how urgent or dire the situations are. If I never needed inspiration or a reason to be happy rather than sad, I looked toward your example. "Against all odds," is a good phrase to use right here I think. There are always a lot more reasons to be sad, mad, or frustrated if you choose to make those important. You showed me how to fight the good fight and the tougher one, that staying happy is difficult in itself and more rewarding than anything else in this world.
Kellie: This is Eugenia, I mean Eugene.
Aunt Joan: Ohh, this whole time I was expecting a girl for some reason. Why do you call him Eugenia?
-The reason why I hide my face in public.
Kina Winoto - This might not resonate well with the rest of the world, but this is how I conceived two years. You showed me what it's like to be normal. When I saw you every other day I felt like it didn't matter what I could do, what I could say with whatever kind of suave, or how I dressed... any of that. When I perceived what you value in a person, it was definitely the thoughts that counted. I don't know how long it's been since I've known someone with that trait prominent. Valuing the interior rather than the exterior. How can I really explain, when I'm not even sure if I'm right or wrong? I guess you are one of the offbeat cases where I value your presence regardless of how much of a turd I can be in your eyes. There was something different about you that I noticed right away. Maybe it's how "down to Earth" you are, or the "no bullshit policy" that tears the shroud of falsity and "fakeness" that pervades adolescence. I tried to explain this once when analyzing the lyrics of a song. If your friend were to get drunk and spilled out contempt for you, wouldn't you wonder how they can still be your friend when you know they hate your guts? The same way, even though you hate my analogies and refute them without fail, you look at the whole picture of a person. Maybe it's because you can, maybe it's because you want to, hell it could be a self-defense mechanism for all I care. The fact is that it's there, and I either felt it or felt an illusion of it. When I was getting to know you I felt like you wanted to know who I was. Not what I can do or have done, not how cool/jackass-y I can be, none of that appearance/image shit. I felt like you wanted to know what makes me me. Motivations, trends, aspirations, however the hell you define it. You, more so than anyone else, made me feel like I needed to be myself. The only other people in Albany that made me feel like I needed some degree of genuinity are among the seniors of this list. Thank you for keeping it real, I guess, or if that's totally not you, then appearing to be this person because it changed my life.
Kina: You know what I'm going to name my dog when I get one?
Eugene: I dunno, Zechariah?
Kina: I'm gonna name it Eugenia!
-I wonder if you forgot this too :P
Kina: Isn't Eugenia some sort of flower?
Eugene: Sounds like a disease to me...
-It is a flower... I looked it up.
"Yeah, it's an adjective. What the hell else could it be?"
-Kina backing my argument and thoroughly pwning the face of Max in a grammar debate. This was not too long after calling both of us closet nerds and being the type of people that "would have a debate about a word."
Kina: Do you like the smell of gas and rubber tires?
Eugene: Uh...
Kina: Hm, maybe it's just me...
-Evidence of sanity. 'Cause that's totally not weird at all...
Marc Kim - You were the brother beside me as I traversed darkness. Your amazing loyalty is what has kept us together all these years. You inspire a similar loyalty in myself that I'm ashamed to say does not always prevail, but we have more than enough memories, experiences, and faith that I know we will be friends for the many years to come. You are so powerful in your faith that I continue to wonder and strive toward your rooted longing and desire to do good and create fruit in your life. I know the Christianity dominates the tone now, but think even of last year before I could relate on a spiritual/religious level. We still were fine, I just got a new jargon with which to communicate in. Thank you for being amazing, for being there, for being honest when it counts, because nobody will always be honest and we both know that :]
"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-Marc's ridiculously powerful vocal cords allow him to pwn the unsuspecting passerby whenever we "smash down the block."
Mr. Ross - If older siblings, older friends, and coaches have such a great impact on me, imagine the possibilities of a teacher? Now it's not to say I haven't had teachers that have changed my life forever, because they hold the key to what is really going on my mind and they alone possess the greatest tools with which to influence me. Now you'd have to be an idiot to say that this year totally didn't affect me. It influenced my writing everywhere, my vocabulary usage (wtf does schema mean?), and most importantly, my overall viewpoint of life. I think Challenge Day had a big influence on this too *cough* who recommended that I go :] A whole year of life changing stuff... yay? I think next year I'll settle down a little bit, focus on schoolwork maybe, but only because I had this year to fuck around with and figure out who I am. Who gave me the tools to do this but you? Who challenged the way I think in its entirety in order to show what truly can shine in my life, or from my thoughts? You know I'm not quite sure I know who I am, but hell, I now have the shovel with which I can dig for that elusive jewel that is my persona. What other class have I spent enjoyable hours brainstorming titles for my essay just to allude to something super awesome? I wouldn't even know what allusions are! I guess there's only one real way to explain how I felt about this year: with an example. I think by far the most prominent was our first expository essay. "Prove what you want to say. Proooooove. PROOOOOVE." Yeah that was pretty much all we did this year, prove shit. A smart person can read a book and feel all the tinglies and understand all of the subtleties but it won't mean shit if he can't say anything about it. A book will just wash over you and you can make stark claims and opinionated facts all you want but they won't really mean anything if you can't prove that's what the book is saying. Likewise, I feel like I was letting so much of my life slip by without actually thinking about it. Experiences were like novels and I failed to glean anything at all from the meaning of what happened, and how I should learn from it. The same context I apply to my hopes for the FLI program. All this passion that I have just sort of trickles out once in a while with various offbeat projects that mean little. Like with all the opinion and thought I had harbored in Lord of the Flies that I concocted into a clear and strong essay, I want to focal my life's passion into something meaningful and powerful. Thanks for entrusting me with the burden of thought.
"EUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!"
-My unceremonious greeting for the past school year.
"That was one of the only speeches that made sense up there, thanks for that Eug."
-Well I DID go first... but ok.
Ross: When somebody calls you "God", you say?
Eugene: Yes?
Ross: You say "yes."
-Invaluable philosophy.
"It is absolutely my most favorite book of all-time."
-He said this about 5 books...
"You guys are waiting on this woodpecker? You guys are seniors you roll with a sophomore?"
-Second to last day of school, he took 23 minutes to sign my yearbook.
Will Kim: You taught me success. You showed me that hard-work and dedication really do pay off, and you told me to never stop trying to reach higher and realizing myself. Your kindest words of encouragement shone in my deepest troubled times of all. Whether or not you knew that, I greatly appreciate your wisdom and altruism. Long before I gave up on doing school for my family expectations (maybe around like 1st grade) and I started to just do what I wanted to do. I was used to getting good grades, and so the pressure of maintaining these sort of went out the window for the better part of middle school and elementary school. With it's somewhat insignificant return in high school, I felt like suddenly there was no room to maneuver should I take a few stumbles. I've never really done school because my parents wanted me to do good, and during freshman year I really started to wonder why the hell I put up with the extra workload I did put up with. I was nearly in between wanting to give up and continuing forward. You told me of your own experiences, showed me how everything just is worth it at the end of the road. You inspired me to want better in my life, both academically, extracurricularly, and personally as a leadership role. My internal flame was running low, and you added an extra log to the fireplace. Thank you so much for helping me realize my own aspirations and dreams.
"Dude, I leave for like a few months and Eugene is STILL getting better. He's practically a ninja now."
-Will when we were sparring. Not us necessarily, but the class.
"You are destined for great things."
-The only thing I've ever wanted to believe, and he reassured me by proving it.
So those were like my shout-outs I guess. I'll forward this to everyone who I mentioned, except Albert 'cause I haven't seen him in 3 years and I probably never will again, or if I do, probably won't recognize him/be recognized. Anyhow, here's where I guess I'm supposed to break down and shit.
Reflecting is hella hard. I'm not sure what the best way to judge my own life is. I could start again at my entrance into high school and the departure of my brother, but I've told that story too many times. This year was more of a "treading" state of my life, where I consider the previous year a "drowning" age. This is all relative of course, because who's really to say that the next year won't completely blow. I have a feeling it'll be fine though, despite yet another departure of the most meaningful people since 5th grade...
What can I really say? There's not much that I can really think of, and at the same time, so many things are brimming on the top of my mind that I can't exactly enumerate them all. I wanted to find myself, in essence. I wanted to see who I wanted to be, where I wanted to fit in, what direction I wanted to go. More than that, I wanted to make a commitment and stick with it. I wanted to define myself once and for all, but I've learned since then. To be succinct, I failed miserably, but the outcomes are for the better in the most part.
In my pessimistic view toward the world, I approached most people with a sort of arrogance and feeling of self-superiority I was desperate on to keep myself hopeful for the future. I had to reason that for some reason or the other, things were different for me and that I was doing something harder than most other people. Like most adolescents of my age, I had a tough time submitting to authority. I didn't want to accept anyone as my superior because I wanted to believe in value of myself, so instead I became bitter and volatile.
And so I went around ignoring the opinions of my peers, or my younger counterparts (who likes freshmen anyway, what do they know :P). To be direct: I missed my brother a whole lot. I don't get much attention from my parents, and when I do it's because I'm in a hella bad mood or something from just being an idiot. I wanted the attention of someone I liked. Someone I respected I guess, someone I considered superior, someone "cool." I needed comfort, solace, anything to get over the fact that when I returned to those same four walls every day, nothing else would greet me back. I had to get over the fact that life will never quite be the same, and that I can't linger on these sentiments anymore. I needed, desperately, to move on.
But I couldn't. Freshman year proved that well enough, because I simply wasn't comfortable with who I was. It happened last year, and it happened this year. I had some good friends in the class of '08. They kicked it with me, a worthless sophomore, and gave me the tangible proof I longed for that made me feel valuable, wanted even. The disappearance of my brother was more disrupting than I admit even now. It was simply too fast of a change, too high of a stress, and it will take time to adapt. I felt like this year I've been the "baby." I sought comfort, I sought to go back to square one and build myself back anew.
When my brother could no longer be there to look back at me so far behind him and encourage me along, I was without any sense of direction. Now, as I finish my second year of highschool I even begin to surpass him in some aspects of the game, and I realize that while he is my ultimate role model, I am a totally different person. So to replace him I sought one person at first, and that didn't work. Instead, I had the seniors aforementioned to show me what it's like to continue on this road of life.
You guys are all so amazing, I really love you guys. I never quite settled into dependency, so there were still a lot of tears along this last year, but I don't think any other group of people could have prepared me for the two more to come any better than you guys have. You guys all show me what it's like to be a truly great person with one key overlapping element: stability. You know what it is to roam these halls and be a human being. You guys have really graced my life with your own amazing feats and accomplishments. I really only hope that I can become somewhat of a resemblance of all that you have taught me, and a living testament to your incredible legacy.
Wherever you go, whatever it is you find yourself doing, I hope you know and keep in your hearts that you go not forgotten. I hope you know that it was all worth it, and that you guys are amazing. If you ever find yourselves down on the hard road of college, whatever consolation it might be, I'll always be here, in shitty-but-lovable Albany living to remind you that you have not flashed in front of my eyes without a second thought. Instead, I remain here that I might learn what you have all shown and taught me, and that I might continue this cycle by passing on to those after me.
I remain here, as a friend.
Wherever you may go, I will not forget you. Last year this would be an impossible goodbye to make, but you guys have showed me that there is more to live for than a paralyzed life wondering what the hell happened, instead of moving on with my life.
But fuck it, I'm going to miss you guys so much. I'll cry if I have to, I'll say what I need to, I'll ask when I want you, but I'll smile, because I know you.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
I'm the kind of guy that cries first, and smiles when he's done.
Chris L, Jason L, Scott S, Matt C, Brian A, Masao T, Me, Perseus P, Derek U
Masao T, Brian A, Me
Mandy C, Me
Frank L, Me
Me, Jane
Me, Jane, Derek
Me, Kellie/Jane, Charles
Kellie, Jane, Frank
How do I breathe, without you here by my side?
How will I see, when your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go, when your heart's where I lay my head?
When you're not with me, how do I breathe?
Now I don't mind letting my guard down, my heart is yours now
Cuz '08 now
You make me melt, like an iceberg on the sea
'08 you're doing things to me that I've never felt
You make me melt, never ever been this weak
This is all brand new to me
I think I should tell you that you make me melt...
[For the idiots who haven't got it yet, because I really like my title, oh wait -> oh eight]