encouragement
October 29, 2008 10:11 PMI don't really think it matters if how it is conveyed, but rather what they are trying to convey at this point. When someone tries to praise you, why don't you take it?
I used to not take it because I felt a call to humility or modesty that was learned unto me from society. Now I think I've taken that a step to far in defining who I am: afraid. At this stage of life I'd say a majority of my persona is still dominated by a lurking fear. A fear to let go, cast off, sail into open waters. In international waters, there are no rules.
It's so much easier to be grounded to something else though, but as much as I'd like to be a child forever, I can't live like this. I want to grow up. I've been fighting this urge for a while now, and I'm starting to see differences. Like peering out of the airplane window, I can see the landscape slowly move as I taxi onto the runway for take-off.
Talk to me, Goose.
I'm starting more and more to believe that those were more of severe self-esteem issues. Afraid to think I'm good, because that means I think I'm better than others. Afraid to feel proud, because pride is the downfall to the arrogant. I have so many fears installed into me I've nearly lost the capability to cope with it sometimes. There's like this assumption that teenagers will believe they're so high and mighty that you NEED to submit them just because if they don't, given the rate at which their heads will expands, there'll be less control all around.
I don't have to deal with that. My parents trust me, love me, give me too much freedom for my own good. I tried concocting the worst possible person I could be given the amount of trust I have obtained. It's not a pretty image, but I'm glad that they do trust me when I can't validate, and stick around long enough to vouch for their son. Needless to say, it's hard to condemn the innocent, though you can damn-sure well try, and fool yourself into thinking that you're succeeding.
To play devil's advocate, my parents did have to make me into what I am today. In that (somewhat) impressionable stage of "Daddy am I normal?" I got a response similar to something of "What the hell is wrong with you? How could you be so inhumanly cruel?" Well there went a whole lot of soul-searching, but I'm glad I cleared it away before this year, junior year. Who knows what kind of shit I'd be in if I had to deal with that right now, which a lot of people probably have to deal with >_>
So I'll conclude with my vaguely conveyed point of accepting. I've accepted the evils to who I am, I think it might be time to take pride in who I am. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am; I don't want to hide. If I hide, who will be able to see something good about me, and cure my mornings? We all need a little encouragement, and I think after a while it's just getting plain rude if I keep turning it down, because I'm not "good enough" to accept.