post-post
March 29, 2009 8:00 AMSo yesterday I mailed my letter to Barack Obama. It was very concise, and a part of me doubts it'll ever reach his desk, but I had a lot of fun in writing it and entertaining the notion that by chance, he might glance upon my handwriting. Either way, I now wait expectantly for my signed photo of El Presidente. I don't know how long mail takes so I guess by May or so I'll give up on it.
Yesterday was actually quite a different day from most. I got up for morning service, and arrived impeccably on time. I was going to show up a tad late because I knew my pastor wasn't going to be there, but I guess I was just super efficient that morning. Maybe because I went to sleep around 10 the previous night. Morning service is always really great; it helps me get away from the social aspect of Sundays. The dark helps, so does the music, and the energy of the people all around me praying intently. It's a quiet place to really get away from distractions, and lately I feel so distracted. Sprinting in one direction, just to stop and start sprinting in the other.
I just like being there. I feel like in a way it's more integral to my spiritual walk than Sundays are. Not that Sundays have no value for me, but that the effect of how these mornings are so beneficial and supplemental that I can't really keep myself away. That morning I really didn't want to get up, knowing that my pastor wasn't going to be there and probably less youth kids as a result. That was a first for me, because usually I always want to go regardless of the fatigue. I'm glad I went and I didn't crap out for a few hours of extra sleep; I knew the guilt would have got to me anyway. Thing is, there were absolutely no youth kids there that morning. I was kind of disappointed, a tad lonely, but nothing quite too serious. I went home and took a nap from 8-11, which was amazing, and made work so much more tolerable.
Usually I'm kinda irritated at work for the beginning part, then I just kinda get comatose in the endless shifts. Nodding off on a guard chair is not the best idea, but those chairs are so uncomfortable it's quite difficult to fall asleep in them. Yet, I always find that my eyelids become unbearably heavy, and my mind slips into the realm of pink ponies and flying unicorns. Yesterday there was a swim meet though, which was far more interesting to guard over for two reasons: (1) I wasn't as worried for somebody drowning (2) It's a race! Next week should be fun too, there's going to be a water polo match. I don't fancy trying to save one of those guys should they go down (and I can only imagine how quickly) to the bottom.
Last part of my day, I suppose I looked forward to it. I dunno if I should have or shouldn't, but at the end of the day I stopped thinking about it. Saw an old friend (that makes it sound like I knew her forever, but I mean this in the fact that she graduated last year) just to talk. I really saw it more of a milestone of how I've changed in the past year, and an indicator to who I am now. Needless to say, she's changed a lot since college, but I didn't really notice much of that. It really just seemed exactly the same to me, with perhaps a few differences. Now that I think of it though, it's really just the haircut that I can remember was significantly different. And even at that, it didn't really strike me, plus it was dark. Same person, a host of new experiences, but a holistic solidification of identity and personality. The same person I knew, but if everything had a knob for it (like it should) it was turned up a few degrees. The way I think of it, is scalar multiplication, though I don't limit the human psyche to a metaphorical matrix, that's just how I'm conceptualizing it.
Enough of the riffraff and talk though. I'm not going to say it was enjoyable. That wasn't the point of it. I'm not saying it wasn't either. It showed me how far yet I have to go, who I am, who I was, and which direction I'm going. Eye-openers are usually a tad painful in transition, but what I saw was more of a reminder. Getting distracted for so long reminds me that there's still something I'm fighting for, and that fuels my engine of self-motivation. Maybe it was just because it was her. Who she was in my life, who she is as a person. Maybe it was because of what I'm going through now. Maybe...
Maybe it was all of them. I needed to relate. The only other person I can relate to on this so far was my brother, and he's the only one who I knew could truly appreciate my decision and its connotations. He's the guy I know who is invested in my future, and what I choose to do with my life and future affects him heavily. At the same time, despite this fact and our ties he is genuinely for me and supports me. He can relate to what I'm thinking and see why the hell I would want to go and do that.
I don't talk about it much, and I probably won't talk about it here. I don't want it to become one of those things that you talk about and never get around to doing. At the same time I needed to talk about it, so that's why I didn't mind calling saying "Hey, remember when you said you wanted to talk about this?" I guess that's a big difference in me as well, the whole trying-not-to-be-too-sensitive thing. I hope I'm improving; I know I'm improving. Anyways, I need to be a little stronger in my core and roots before I can go about broadcasting what I'm not or who I'm not. I'm really excited though, and it drives me and motivates me knowing that I have a goal.
My pastor told me, "Eugene, you need a vision. God grants you a vision, you hold onto it and follow it all the way through. Of course when you follow it it will get more difficult, but when you're doing something for God, all of the circumstances just fall into place. Have some willpower man, don't sway with the wind like another blade of grass, letting circumstances define your direction." Okay yeah I added in a lot/he was a lot more succinct, but that's the overall message I got, and I've asked for a vision ever since. I got one.
A PK whom I really respect a lot told me once, "It's not about strength, it's about determination and endurance." He told me this as a secret, as a "trump card." It applies so much I'm not sure he knew, but those words kinda linger with me. And yet, those were spoken to me just so that I'd win an arm wrestling contest.
So this is quite a long post, and I haven't done one of these in a while, but that's one day of the life, what it brought me, and what I'm crunching through the old noggin of mine. It's not like my life got suddenly dull over my lull of writing, in fact it was quite opposite. So much has been happening it's just difficult to confine it to writing. A phone call makes so much more sense to me, a conversation conveys exactly what I need it to, and I don't have to explain as much, or everything. I do still enjoy writing in this blog though, and I'm going to try to more often it's just I'm getting sick of writing my little cryptic posts that only I understand, but I don't have time or energy to write a long one that can actually do justice to the thoughts I'm getting at. I said that a tad weird, so I'll just say I love my little cryptic posts because it helps me feel reserved and at the same time expressing. I don't know if that makes sense.
Two weeks until I reactivate my Facebook :)
we shall have a party when you return to facebook, full of facebook tetris and grafitti.
haha.
I actually enjoy reading your "cryptic" posts, because I can't relate to them fully, but in a way, I still can. Whenever I read your blog, I always get the urge to re-edit my blog cause mine always seems so... not as wordy as yours.
Since you've been there and done that for blogging, some tips would be nice. Think of it as a birthday present for me... haha. ;]
Posted by Daniel March 31, 2009 1:45 AM