you already know
October 5, 2009 7:13 PMYou already know that I'm tired. It has been a long, long time. I've past the point-of-no-return, now I'm at the point of I-have-no-clue. No more landmarks guide my way, it seems like there is only desert upon desert as I press onward. I feel like too many people have left, and that too many things are different to remember what it was once like. That reminds me, that I still have yet to know what it is that I'm searching for. Or have I already found it?
I've seen so much, and changed so much. On one hand, people tell me that I'm far ahead, while the rest tell me that I've still yet to go quite some ways. I could use a map. I'm not sure what to believe really, and it's hard to say which mindset is more beneficial to my motivation and progress. It's just painful to see friends rip and tear at each others' throats, just to protect their own. Sometimes, the best defense isn't a good offense.
Why can't you just let go a tad tiny bit, of your own insecurity and break this cycle. Why do you push others down, to feel your own sense of superiority? I'll just tell you now, so you know, because I'm not stopping any time soon, but in the event that I did, you can feel great that it was your wish to see others fail, that will always hold you in a timelock of the loneliness you pity yourself for. It hurts to hear what you think, but what you think does not affect the trajectory of who I am, or who I will be. Maybe some day you'll realize I never turned around and said, "Hey, suck it, everything you ever thought you did well, I did even better and I did it easily." I wish I could say that, but then I'd be right there in the mud pit with you, playing your stupid game, knowing I should have left and grown up. Funny when you're older than me right?
I'm frustrated. What can I do to make you see? Have I not done everything in my power already? Have I not stayed my own hand and chose mercy rather than anger? You're playing with a lighter in a gunpowder factory, why don't you just give it a rest?
Soon, maybe you'll just realize that you maybe have been further ahead down the road, but you decided that looking backward and causing your brothers to stumble kept you in the lead. It's a shame, because I'm looking forward and my acceleration is fine, if not significantly greater than yours. You can play around but your headstart is running out, and fast. I'm passing you like a football, and frankly there's nothing you can do about it. You're far too detached from me, lost a great majority of your inertia, if you had any to begin with, and you're looking the wrong fucking direction. Yeah, you got me mad, have your song and dance, but my anger is circumstantial, and trivial at best.
BCT - 262