higher
February 3, 2009 9:10 AMThe swimmer's high I get now is way more intense than last year, reminiscent of freshman year. Maybe it's because I'm trying harder now; giving it my all. I wanna get faster.
I'm hoping this will add a component of stability and peace to my life, because lately all I feel is insecurity. I'd really rather just be too tired to think, or thinking about what's actually important in my life. I haven't given much consideration to SATs or school this year, even FLI. Perhaps while the energy I have to spend dwindles, the urgency will reestablish its presence in my veins and I'll feel compelled once more to do what is asked of me.
I drive on February 17th, assuming I pass. That's exciting, I love the feeling of freedom and independence. Danger and rebellion go hand in hand?
It reminds me more of my brother than Ricky Bobby when I hear the phrase: I wanna go fast.
Well, the stars are lining up. This is the year to prove 'em wrong.
What is it about doubt that motivates you? Is it that I want to do this for myself, or the competitive side of me that just wants to beat them and show them that I can? Can I even?
There's a lot of doubt in me, but this is what I've always been struggling with. This is why I love my church. Those are people that want to see you lifted up and see you grow and improve. In the real world, you have more of the "every man for himself" dogma.
Of course there are going to be a lot of inferior and superior relationships. It's a competitive sport. By why, must that be the relationship that is most emphasized between us? Especially us as a team. If the tables were turned around, would I do the same?
I don't think so. Every breath, every stroke was hard work, and it's a blessing that I've even gotten this far already. For those who work nil and reap more, I think it's only natural for them to promulgate their insecurity.
So why does that breathe life into mine?
Sin is so prevalent in everyday life, and there's only one way to stop a recurring cycle. It leads me to Him, so I'll turn to Him for strength where I have none. Strength where I'm hurting the most.
Isn't it ironic, who usually ends up breaking things apart? What they stand for, what they are, and the bullshit that comes out of their mouths.