reveille
October 4, 2008 8:42 AMSo it's way too early for me to be awake, but I couldn't really sleep all that well last night.
First, I really want to get the third installment of the Inheritance trilogy. It's a good story, to say the least about it.
I got the first season of Burn Notice because there was a marathon on TV the other day and this show is amazing. It really makes me want to eat yogurt lol.
Right now I'd like to write something a little more meaningful, but it appears that two sentences are my limit for each thought. I feel like whoever has the remote control of my mind is just flipping through channels and I can't really focus on one thing.
Also, scary thought, we learned about schizophrenia in psychology class. Scariest shit ever.
Here I go: does what we care about control what matters, or do the things that matter control what we care about? They're related to be sure, but I definitely don't see it as a 50-50 matter. Hell, I could settle for a 51-49 ratio, but which one decides it for me? I guess you can say I'm trying not to care about a lot of things, but I don't know how comfortable I can feel with not caring about some things.
I used to feel really uptight about everything. I wanted to control everything about my environment, just to feel secure, safe. Letting go for me was like jumping out of an airplane without checking if I had a parachute on my back. Always thinking about the future, always wondering what I'm going to be 3 years down the road. There's only so much one person can do, and as you grow up you only have more on your plate to deal with and more problems to settle.
I'm not proud of it, but I clammed up, right away. When it's just too hard to deal with everything, you start screening it out until you're ready to deal with it. What is worse is that everyone is trying to tell you that you can do it, and you're able to work through it, but when everything is narrow and dark, it's hard to see reason.
"They still matter, I just don't care." I think this is where you start to develop your identity. Maybe as a kid you can develop everything about your personality; it's healthy to be exposed to a lot of things so you can find yourself later. The thing is, being a kid isn't meant to last, and eventually you have to start picking and choosing who you want to be. It'd be nice to be everyone I could or want to be, but eventually, as you choose, you become somebody else: you.
Choices are ultimately what makes us, us (btw, go vote) I'm going to leave out the period on that sentence, because I don't really know where it goes lol and it's kinda awkward no matter where I place it when I look at it.
A lot of things matter to me. The ones I care about, these will define who I am. Isn't that the whole dream? That we can be who we choose, and we choose who we become? Individuality. The empowering of oneself, the power of what one person can do?
So right now, I'm trying not to care. Why? I think it's important for me to "get over" things, which I think is a smoother way of saying "to stop caring." So get over it, I mean that's what people say. It's the simplest command in the world, but anyone saying it knows just how difficult it is to go through with. Tests of integrity, strength, worthiness overall: you choose when you take these tests and whether or not you'll take them at all. I would like to prolong it, but prolonging it has taught me to not.
You can slide into the pool slowly: feet first, then your legs, then walk around shivering until you think it's time to get your torso wet, then your head and face. Personally, I usually dive in head-first, though I've been practicing my stride jump lately. It looks amazing when you do it correctly, kinda funny when you don't do it correctly but cool overall. I couldn't find a decent YouTube video so I don't have a link, but you basically walk into the water and scissor kick real fast so your head doesn't get wet at all. It's something like a landing seagull. They flap and all that stuff and never quite go under. It's really smooth, and an awesome party trick imo.