foxy

Remember that time in February? Yea, I don't either, but we can look back and laugh at my stupidity.
I so called that. I knew it was gonna be the stupidest move I'd ever make and that I'd regret it deeply. When I'd start to regret it, I didn't know. Well whoop-dee-doo I know now. After having a very awkward, yet thankfully brief encounter with the afore mentioned boy, I'm now realizing how stupidly I went upon doing what I did.

A friend of mine recently got told, "I like you." It was exactly like what I did light years ago. But after seeing the reaction of my friend, I understood how redundant that phrase is. Smart guy though, asked her out on a date a few days after. He did that one little follow through that I never thought of.
And, 8 months later, he probably thinks I still like him. One word: Gross.

To sum up the situation earlier today, school just got out and the halls were empty. The three of us decide to walk toward the hallway he and his friends were in, thus sparking up a conversation between the six of us. Lets just say that when I tried to make it less awkward, he ignored me. Wow, what a slick man.

One thing I gotta say though, I respect the fact that he didn't tell anyone what I said to him. Or maybe he did, it just wasn't a juicy enough topic to spread around. In any case, we can't be friends anymore. Its just way too tense. Hah, I have such a tendency to mess up potential friendships.

Oh, and my friend who got asked out? In case you were wondering, she gave him a chance. Well.. lets just say that he broke a nail in the middle of the date, pulled out a nail clipper, and clipped his nails.
Man have I been reading way too many dating blogs... Too eager to grow up!

Freshman year, I could procrastinate with no problem. Things got done- and on time. I never really worried about maintaining an A throughout the year, so I never had to change my procrastination habits.

Sophomore year, I could still procrastinate. Except I found an easy way: No homework at night. Instead, I'd do my homework during my empty first block, and stalk the guy I liked while doing my homework in the same classroom. Creepy, yes. But I'm a bit of a creeper when I like someone. (I can admit it because, honestly, we all kinda get a bit creepy when we like someone. If you are, in fact, NOT one of those people, just shut up. Maybe YOU'RE the one that's not normal!!) And my hardest class was, believe it or not, my favorite class. So, easy peasy.

JUNIOR YEAR SUCKS. I thought I was good at math. Math wasn't ever this hard or impossible to understand! So many places for little mess ups, opportunities for mental math screw ups. Bah! I can feel that Top-Of-The-Class spot slipping... And don't get me started on AP Chem.
However, I think that I'm suppose to struggle. How else will I ever learn? Learn to struggle and make the right adjustments. Except, I'm not making adjustments? I've accepted the fact that I won't be getting straight A's anymore, and that I might barely make it past AP Chem with a B-, possibly lower. I've adjusted in that sense. I haven't adjusted my work habits though.

I feel like I'm trying to diagnose myself. What do I have? What's wrong with me? Did I bonk my head over the summer and knock out all the smart brain cells? Why do I have problems with things I've never had problems with before? WHY AM I SO EASILY DISTRACTED?! I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that I am a student. My priorities as a student are to focus on studying, not looking good everyday for that possible boy who looks at me from afar and wishes I knew his name. Daydreams and thoughts like that kill me! Tiffany, get your head out of LaLa Land and into SAT Prep Land. You have the rest of your life to worry about boys!!!! Way to go Narcissistic Tiffany.

So today, I woke up thinking I had pink eye. I then mildly freaked out, stared at myself for about a minute, and remembered that I have the internet. Googled pink eye and looked at some pictures (one in particular that looked like my eye), and concluded that, I did, in fact, have pink eye.
I then woke my mommy up and told her I had pink eye. She said I couldn't go to school, and I did a happy little dance before I realized that that was a bad thing. She got up, checked out my eye, and told me that no, I didn't have pink eye. I just scratched my eye too hard.

I felt cool anyways, walking down the hallways in my sunglasses. I felt even cooler when I told this one guy I got a black eye and he believed me. But.. later in the day, I took my shades off because my eye wasn't pink anymore, and the guy walked past me. He then called me a liar :(

When everyone told me that junior year was the hardest year, I was sure that I could handle it. But.. I'm barely managing. Not only did I forget my password to my own blogging account (from weeks of inactivity, I'm sure) I got an F on my first AP Chem test. BUTTT.. that was a while ago. Since then, I've moved up from an F, to a C-, then to a B+. These are only quiz grades, and being such a horrible test taker, I can't rely solely on those to record my improvement. However, having chemistry improve means having calculus decline.

But how ever did I improve in chemistry? Well, lets say that my mom went on Super Mommy mode, threw a tantrum when she found out I was having a hard time in chemistry, and proceeded to hired us a tutor- our cousin. I admire her ability to talk forever and ever, but I also can't stand it. She tells me all the family gossip, my mother's past (which I really did not want to know), and then she tells me that I need therapy. THEN she rambles about her own "crappy life", crying about her own problems when I'm already crying about mine. She talks a lot, but through all the junk she says, there are some very wise parts.

My mother has always been one to overreact. The reason why I feel like I'm never good enough. When I had my second chemistry test, before she asked me how I felt I did, she threatened to take away my ice skating, my computer, my phone, cut the cable, and have my father babysit me while I read my Zumdahl chemistry book. Thus, bringing me to tears, having my tutor tell me I need therapy, rambling about her own problems.. blah blah blah. She's also the reason why I ended up quitting ice skating, and the reason why I'm so unsure of myself. The one person I hold a deep grudge against, is my mother.

At ice skating competitions, when you get 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place, you take pictures together on a podium. I remember one time, getting off the ice and having my mom tell me to take off my make up and change into my normal clothes. She knew I wouldn't get anything higher than fourth place. It was her way of saying, "You disappoint me, what waste of money and time, that was a crappy skate." I remember stretching every morning before ice skating practice, nearly in tears because my mom was over-stretching my legs, pushing me to my physical limits. She wanted me to be perfect. And her expectations were high. (They still are!) I soon dreaded waking up every morning at 4 AM to go to ice skating practice. What was the point? But behind the stress, the expectations, the need for perfection, the pain, I loved ice skating. Of course, I still do.

If only my parents weren't crazy. If only they weren't expecting so much, if only my mom didn't yell at me every time I got fourth or third place, if only... I know I'd still be ice skating. And I'd be good at it. So, yes, I hold a grudge against my mom. For ruining the only thing I could've been really good at. But I respect, love, and listen to her. Not because I like her personally, (because frankly, I hate her morals, priorities, values, methods, temper, stubborn and hypocritical self), but because I respect what she's done for me, I love her as a mother, and I listen to her because no one else in this darn family will. If she died, I don't know what I'd do. But there's this part of me that gets angry. Angry whenever I see a fellow skater friend who, honestly, sucked before I quit, but has magically surpassed my skating abilities. I'm angry that I quit. That I wasn't strong enough to endure the pressure. And I guess.. I blame it on my mom. Thus, the (some what) unreasonable and unfair grudge. But you have to admit.. she did some pretty inhuman/child service worthy things during my ice skating career.

Of course, when I can drive myself, I'll get up in the mornings before school and go ice skating myself because I want to. I want to ice skate, seriously, again. I want to get good again. I know I probably won't be as good as I used to be, but I miss my axel and triple toe.. which I haven't done in over a year...
Driving opens up a whole bunch of possibilities.
Like another way to die. But I will use my abilities for good, like going grocery shopping and running cool errands like picking up dry cleaning and going to get gas. But I most definitely look forward to the freedom. Only 6 more months!!!

Oh, and that story about how my mom told me to change back into my normal clothes? Yeah, I ended up getting fourth place. The people standing at the podium were staring at me wondering why I wasn't standing with them. HAH, MOM. Stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT.

... And its not going so well. But the great thing about best friends is that they just know when you're feeling down. Another plus is that they know how to cheer you up!

Lately, junior year has been tough. I'm not used to feeling this stressed every night. And on top of that stress, my classes, as well as everyone else's, are totally messed up. I didn't sign up for photography, nor do I need the art credits. ATDP covered that for me. So now my dad is mad at me for not getting my classes changed quick enough because I might be missing important stuff from another class I actually need credits from when I clearly told him that I can't possibly do it because there are a million other kids who have worse problems than me. There's a freaking waiting list to see the counselor! Then he yells at me AGAIN for not knowing which counselor is mine because they changed it this year. Well, sheesh. I just forgot. Its not my fault there's so much on my mind.

I miss summer a lot. I guess you could say I'm not transitioning from summer mode to work mode very well. And I think I'm suppose to start studying for the SATs? Which I am completely terrified of.

Also kinda stressed about my health. Lately, well.. actually, its been going on for a long time.. but I'm starting to confuse d's with b's, and writing 4 instead of 7, and writing ODD instead of ALL (which cost me when I turned in my math homework..) and forgetting people's names and other things. Maybe that's normal? And my tummy aches every morning :(

I think I'm being paranoid. Anyways, I'm done complaining about what's on my mind. I really need to get more sleep

I don't know why, but it really hurts me when I see people bashing God and religion. Saying stuff like "He's a sick, bloodthirsty sadist! How could you worship such a thing." Its painful. They watch videos about anti-Christ and anti-God or stuff like that, and instantly believe what they watch. And it really just tears me apart.

During school in June, we had group presentations. There were two groups who were aiming to disprove Jesus, and bash Christians. The whole time I was watching, I felt sorrow and pain. A little bit hurt personally, but overall torn because they don't even know God created them. They don't know the love of Jesus and how much God loves them. Its like being given everlasting love and forgiveness, but throwing it all away. It makes me angry and wretched. I know God's working in them, and that He knows why they're doing it, but for a person that God created with love to throw it all away? How can you? And we're not even deserving of it!

This all started when I was youtubing some worship songs. I was instantly moved by one of the songs, and started reading the comments. (I always do that for some reason..) A buddhist commented saying how they were extremely moved and inspired by the song, feeling something they've never felt before. Another user replied saying, "That's the work of God's love in you!" The original poster said, "Well, I wouldn't go that far."
I really can't get over how horrible I felt after reading that. As a Christian, what am I doing to help spread God's love? To help expand His kingdom? When His time comes, when judgement day arrives, what do I have to show for it? I want more people to know how much God loves us, but... I feel like I keep failing. I know I get caught up in every day things and such, like.. is cussing a sin? I do that too often...

Anyways, I think I'm having an emotional overload. One thing's for sure, I'm not scared of the future. If I lay all my worries on God, then everything will be okay :)
Goodnight and God bless!

Seriously, have I grown? Physically and in maturity? I can't tell if I've changed from the person I was last year to the person I am today. The things I do notice, however, are very little things. Like the fact that I don't say "lol" so much when I type, and.. wait no, thats about all I notice.

At gatherings where I don't really know anyone, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to interact with people, or what topics to talk about. Conversations usually stop after the introductions. What's your name, how old are you, what school do you go to, what's your job.. etc. I feel helpless in those situations. I'm more of an asking questions converser than an answering questions one.

As I'm growing older, (hopefully taller) I think I'm starting to lose my bouncy childish playfulness. Am I maturing too fast?
To be honest, I don't think I'm mature at all. I'm still a kid. I don't know how to make decisions, or what I want to do with my life. I believe I can keep my emotions in check, but I really can't. I'm fooling myself into believing that I'm mature. But once people ask me how old I am, and I answer with a, "15, almost 16!" I feel so young and babyish. Sometimes I think I'm lying about my age when I say 15. Like I'm a middle aged women lying by telling everyone I'm 23 or something.

Anyways, I was just about to read, but I felt like blogging because I haven't done that at all this summer.
Quick update: Nothing is really happening.. Except that my friend's birthday was last Wednesday and my friends and I threw her a surprise party. It was stressful and now I have no more money. Needless to say, she cried with happiness and all's well that ends well. AP Lit homework is kicking my butt, and this is probably my most enjoyable summer. I had no expectations for this summer, unlike last summer, so I'm content. Happy as a clam right about now :)

To anyone who reads this, I hope your summer is going great! God bless <3

PS since I've been getting the College Board SAT Question of The Day by email every single day, I've noticed how my grammar is really... well, bad. So according to College Board, my english/writing/sentence structures suck. Sorry?

For fourth of July, my family and I went to my cousin's house because she had a baby girl. I guess Lia or Lea, the name of the girl, is called my "first cousin once removed". My blood-related cousin is asian, her husband is german. Together, they make what we younglings call nowadays, a "hapa" child. Half-asian, half-white. I can't help but to be so jealous of Rebecca and Frank (the interracial couple). Their child is so adorable, and I swore she had blue eyes. I can't help but to be incredibly envious of that little kid... and Rebecca.

So I'm not that great with kids. At least, I don't think I am. They're so tiring for me because I try really hard to impress them, entertain them, you know? I feel like I have to impress kids because I want them to like me, to laugh and to smile. The way I do that is by turning that happy playfulness on high. So high that I end up crashing in an hour. Then I thought, maybe this reflects the way I act with people in general. I want to be liked, I want to impress. The way I figure is that ever since I was born, my life has been all about living up to expectations. My mom is pretty, so I feel like I was expected to be pretty. That's pretty much shot to hell. I have a genius brother, I feel like I'm expected to make it to some big time college. Fat chance. My parents bragged about my wonderful ice skating skills, I feel like people expected me to be some mini-Michelle Kwan that made it to the Olympics. And I know that one's true since thats what everyone told me when I was 9.
Ice skating competitions were so I could make my parents proud of me. Since my mom would always yell at me for taking third place (which, I realized as I got older, is a damn good place) I never felt good enough. Impressing others was the only way I could feel accepted. I realize that I could only feel proud of myself by getting praise from others. Its affected me so much because now I don't even know if what I do is a good job or a bad job. It happens quite often actually. I'll think I did a great job, but someone tells me I did a crappy job. I'll think I did a horrible job, someone will think I did a wonderful job. One day I'll feel really pretty and confident, then someone tells me I look ugly. I can't tell what's what anymore.

Anyways, back to the little kid thing, the same thing goes for older people/relatives. I want them to like me a lot, so I try to act mature. I don't know what's with me and smiling, but I need people to smile at me. People smile when they accept someone, or are entertained and happy. Since smiles are usually contagious, I smile like a dumbass around people I want accepting me. And I laugh at what my relatives say in chinese. Maybe its because I don't fully understand chinese, and of what little I do understand, when it translates into english, it sounds funny. Then my relatives just say, "Why are you laughing?" and I feel like an idiot.

I wish I was funny. Then I could make people laugh, and laughing is one of the easiest ways for people to instantly like you. Thats why I do stupid things, so I can make people laugh. It usually doesn't work, and I make a complete fool of myself, leaving people thinking What the hell is she doing?
The only exception are the people I don't necessarily like. If I don't like them, then I don't care about what they think of me. But thats really rare. For me, a small remark like "You're so stupid" or "Stop being so loud and immature!" really affects me. Its like a fatal blow. I'm really sensitive to harsh words and mean glances. So sensitive that I get too scared to initiate conversations. I feel that if I were to ever quarrel with my boyfriend in the future (God knows when that'll happen), it would go along the lines of something like this:

Boyfriend :"I always have to call you when I want to talk to you. I'm so sick and tired of it."
Me :"I'm really sorry! I'll try calling you more often and IM you first."
Bf: "You said that last time, and you never did it. Why can't you initiate stuff first?!"
Me: "Well dammit. Eff you, I want a divorce."
Bf: ".... We're not even married."
Me: "Oh..... shoot, right."
Initiating conversations is really hard for me. Its like I'm giving someone an invitation to reject me. I'm stupid. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I'm still dreaming that one day, I'll grow tall and beautiful and wonderful. One day, I'll just bloom. Just you wait!! All you people that look down on me. BWAHAH! One day I'll be looking down on you!! Literally!

... I'm sorry. That was really lame and stupid.

^ Story of my life.

So I quit LD debate. Its tooooo hard and so competitive. Instead, I'm taking Student Congress, which is much more open. What's best about it is that I get to talk whenever I want, and its a better option than Policy. In Congress, we pass made up bills and resolutions. We can talk when we feel like it, and its more of a group thing, which I like :)

As stupid as it sounds, I wrote a resolution to ban fast food. I don't really know why, its just what popped in my head at the time. I've stumbled across some research thats mildly disgusting.
One-fifth of American kids age 1 or 2 drink soda from their baby bottles. 30% of public high schools offer brand named fast foods (Taco Bell, Subway, McDonalds), and childhood obesity has tripled in the past 2 decades. WTF.

July 4th is coming up. What's there to do? Absolutely nothing. Except for that World One thing at the park.. which happens every freaking year. I declined my friend's invitation to go camping so I could go see my cousin's new baby girl... She better be cute. I wonder what her name is... Anyways, today was very hectic. My mom couldn't decide what to do for our China trip in August. The only cheap tickets were on August 17 and 25. So I'm going to miss orientation, and possibly the first day of school.

Now that I have a solid group of friends this summer, my constant outings to Berkeley and late nights aren't initiating "boyfriend" like thoughts in my dad's head, thank God. But thats my dad. My mom the other hand believes otherwise. Whenever she picks me up or whenever I go somewhere, she insists I'm lying. "Tell me the truth!", she says. Funny thing is, she's always the one telling me that no boy would like me because they're scared of me. I'm too headstrong and weird.

I want to be happy, even without a romantic figure in my life. Its hard though, since I'm such a natural romance fanatic. Maybe not. I think that when couples feed each other, its just creepy. Maybe its romantic and cute to some, but I find it mildly disturbing. I seem to picture a mother feeding her child, not a boyfriend or girlfriend feeding his/her significant other. Wait, then again... I kinda like being fed. <- so lazy.
Super long ranting blog. My mind never stops thinking. I could probably stick a super confidential secret somewhere in here and no one would know. But I don't think I will- I only shower once a week- because I mean, there are crazy people on the internet!

So far, I've gotten a lot of things accomplished this summer. I'm starting to run more (ran 2 miles Saturday, and today), I've got a head start on debate and speech, I'm somewhat progressing in Drivers Ed, and I've gotten some things off my plate. Though.. I still need to grow. A growth spurt would be nice.
Summer's being hindered by those feelings and thoughts and emotions again. But I can't talk about those...

Twitter makes for easy stalking. :)))))

It sucks when you get a "I hate you" vibe from someone you barely know. It sucks because you have no idea what you did... except exist.
Is my existence that much of a pain to you? If you have a problem, confront me. Just don't hate me for a trivial and completely stupid reason.

Sometimes I wish I could be that nice, quiet, innocent girl next door. But I'm loud and annoying. I speak my mind and I don't care who hears me. That part of me comes from my mom, who always gets into fights with cashiers at Costco, flight attendants on an airplane, and Häagen-Dazs ladies who serve you your ice cream. I don't shut up, and when I do, I don't listen, I tune out. Jealousy is something I hate, but I'm jealous a lot. I'm weird and sometimes I think I have a mental issue/disease. But if you hate me, hate me because I did something personally and intentionally bitchy to you.

Anyways, I can't/don't want to end this entry on a bad note. So far, summer hasn't been what I thought it would be. Its only the middle of the second week and I still feel like I'm in school. But thats probably because of debate camp, which is going pretty damn well. I found a DI partner, and hopefully we'll win some trophies next year :)

... and I have no idea what I'm doing. Well, there's a general idea. But it hasn't really been set in stone. Last day of school was really fun though!
Hopefully this gets edited later today... with a full report of what I plan on doing Saturday.

EDIT
SO today was spent pretty well. Originally my friends and I were gonna go to the Golden Gate Bridge. But since it was so cold today, we decided to bundle up in blankets on the couch, drink hot chocolate, and watch a movie. Then my friends rummaged through my clothes and started picking out outfits...

First day of summer, and its so cold. It just feels like the weekend right now. And I'm super bored!!!