foxy

huh. i guess this'll be my first ever post here. I'm still get the hang of all this, so forgive me of my blog thing looks crappy :]
umm.. so, i guess i'll start off the with the fact that i have blogged before. but, the only hosts i've used were xanga and myspace. err, yeah.

i would write about my last day in TIC '07. and i think i will. but, since i read everyones blog about the last day, i'd feel embarrassed by my crappy writing skills.
again, i apologize in advance, for not using big smart words in my blogs. my intellect is quite low. especially during the summer ;]

today, went on like any other. i skipped breakfast after a rude awakening, and headed straight for my computer. which is always the first thing i turn on.

yesterday, i wondered, "why havent i cried yet? its the last day of ATDP". maybe i was bottling it up. maybe i just didnt realize it. maybe i just was too happy to cry. i dont know the answer, but all i knew, was that there was no more TIC '07.
this was the same exact feeling i had, when i left DC in Feb. with some classmates, and a few other kids from different schools. i spent a week with the most snobbiest girls, and hottest guys, one guy in particular, who turned out to be a complete man-whore. i left the airport, and i surprisingly didnt cry. i then fell asleep, not knowing that the next day would bring me shear heartbreak. i guess you could say i live life in the moment. or maybe in the past.

i wont get all sappy, but.. i spent a couple weeks, with the most wonderful people i've ever met. i should've been crying a lot more today, then i did a couple months ago regarding the DC trip. but, i didnt today. because i knew i'd see them again.. eventually.
i spent my last day inside of Tolman Hall, talking, and bonding with the people i cared and cherished most. we had fun, shared laughs (mainly at the people who got wet from water balloons) and we sneaked around the facility. I'll never forget my first year at ATDP. its amazing how one little summer course, can change your life.
I also saved Tif and Natalie's life :D

my first friend that i ever made in TIC was Wendy. she was in my group, and we decided to do our project together. we had everything planned out. but then, on a Monday (or at least i think), we had the Google exercise, using external style sheets. as they were talking about the exercise, i was thinking.. "NO. i dont wanna do it." so when they told us to go to work, i sat in front of the computer, just staring.. i felt like crying. and i admit, some tears fell. but i got a hold of myself, and went to work. i didnt know where to start, or what to do. but i started.
luckily for me, i got the hang of it. but, unfortunately, Wendy didn't. she quit the class the following day. it devastated me. there i was, with someone i could talk to.. and she quit. i heard on Wednesday, while the project presentations were on Friday. looking back on that moment, I'm glad i didn't quit the class.

anyways, i hope this blog doesn't bore you to death. my life isnt significantly interesting, but its pretty spontaneous.

i know, its only been like 3 hours since i last posted. but.. sometimes i just get these urges to blog. i dont know where it comes from either. i just have to.
so, while in PChat, i read some other people's blogs. the new ones like mine at least. and they all seemed like they were trying to hard to be deep, and emotional. just reading it, made me wince. but, i also noticed their usage of big words. makes me feel like some dumb stupid looking bimbo who knows nothing; which at times, is true.

right now, my friends are all talking in a chatroom. they asked me if i wanted to hang out tomorrow/later on today. im glad i wont be able to, because i actually dont like hanging out with them. as sad as it sounds.. i feel as though i've drifted far away from them this summer. but all they ever do is gossip. stereotypically speaking, i guess i cant blame them. its their nature to gossip and cause drama. although my morals are totally different from theirs, im still friends with them. me and my group of friends have nothing in common, but we stick together, just because of the company. we've known each other too long, and we've grown in such a way, that we cant possibly just, abandon one us.
even though this is true, i feel isolated from them. they talk, and talk, and talk. all i do, is just stare, with inputs like "wow.. or lol" because i have nothing better to say. im quite ashamed to even call them friends. their days consist of going to someones house.. and, well... do 'bad stuff'. which i have never taken a part of.

before this week, my days on AIM consisted of talking to no one. i was lonely for a couple of months. and i guess, i put myself up in that situation. i'd say it was my fault for not talking to anyone.. but i hate the thought of having bothered anyone.
with that said, even when its my friends that strike up the conversation, i still dont like talking to them. all they do is gossip. "omg, did you hear what he said?!" or "that bitch! i cant believe she said that. Cuss her out for me!" in which case, both answers to those questions are and still is: NO. i dont believe i should do my friends' evil work. unless its something so serious, it has to involve me.
im not saying i have no experience with things like that. i've gotten into a fist fight before, and might i add.. i won. it was against this boy, but it was in the fifth grade. and it wasnt one of those stupid slappy-scratch-pull your hair kind of fight. it was a real fist fight. however, the principal saw it. but i knew her pretty well, so she let me off the hook.
anyways, i've done my share of stupid cussing out. i sabatoged this one girl, back in 7th grade. i made her life miserable, and just because i didnt like her as a person. i've learned from that, and i dont even bother with people like that anymore. let them be who they are. karma will eventually bit 'em in the ass.

so far, this seems to be a very bad start to my freshman year. sometimes i daydream different scenarios, of what could possibly happen. maybe i'd find the guy of my dreams.. nah, too early. maybe i'd finally get straight A's. thats always possible. or, maybe i'd just be the lonely girl at lunch, eating in the corner. i know my friends are merciful, but i've seen what they do to people who change, and who grow distant. and its not pretty. the social monarchy which we call High School, isnt always cliche. but, in some cases it can be. those people can chew you up, then spit you right back out, into a tumbling mess.
i dont know where im going exactly with this blog. i just felt like typing something. something that i could confess, or get off my chest. apparently, i doubt anything i've written has made any sense.

thinking ahead, into the future, always scares me. i wonder who i'll marry. i mean, i've thought about it before, but i guess it gets scarrier each time i think about it. i dont wanna date this sweet guy, but then when i marry him, hes a totally different person. but, i guess that's still yet to be decided. i plan on having a baby, and raising a family. i could never live by myself. i NEVER could. im scared of being lonely when i grow up. like, if every single one of my relatives died, and i was the only 'Shem' left.. i'd be devastated.

just thinking about the future.. it makes me so scared, yet, so happy. i wonder what kind of person i'll be like when i grow up. and if i'll become a bitter old lady living with 60 cats, or a sweet lady, with grandkids and a loving family. or if i'll marry the right guy, or what kind of job i'll have, and the money i'd make.
just thinking about life in the outside world.. life in reality. it just hits you.
but, what do i know? im still young. i shouldnt even worry about this stuff.

besides, what happens now, is what determines my future.

Yesterday was tons of fun. although, i didnt write an entry because i was too tired.
i woke up around 11 AM yesterday. with little interruptions by my stupid cellphone. 4 people called me. 2: wrong numbers, 2: brother. but, other then those 'minor' wake up calls, i still slept soundly.

so, i went to the Metreon yesterday with Dennis, Kyle, Cindy, Max, and Ullysses. i was the only 'student' and yet, the shortest person again. which doesnt bother me much, but its something that doesnt go unnoticed. Transformers was actually, better then i expected. that Shia dude was weird at acting, Megan Fox was almost too pretty to even be with him, but it was good anyways :]

last night, my AIM was down. its as though, the one time i feel like im on an all time high, it gets taken away. funny how life changes directions at you so fast. i guessing it was just an omen for me to go to sleep? but its oh so early!! besides, i had time to go to sleep on the 12-ish hour plane ride the China, which im dreading. i really dont want to go to China for 2 weeks. well, 10 days, but rounded to 2 weeks. i should feel privilaged. i mean, there are people out there in the world, dying to take a "vacation" to China.
we never even talked about going to China. well, we did last year. but it was still in process. all my dad did was say "ok kids, we're going to China in August!". he didnt even run the plan through with us. i dont even know when we're leaving, how we're getting there, what hotel, which part of China we're going to, and what we'll be doing the whole time. im left clueless here!

people say "embrace your culture". sure, i embrace it. i embrace it with open arms. but whats there to embrace, if you can't even speak the language?! i know a bit of Mandarin. but thats it. i know diddly squat. i dont even want to learn it. im much more infatuated with Paris, France. i'm taking French classes this year, and i plan on maybe being a foreign exchange student there once, maybe jr. year. i'm not so sure if i want to live there when i grow up yet. i highly doubt it, but we'll see.

after Transformers, we went to the Bloomingdales, and got food. i got fries. they were.. kinda bland and dry. not the best tasting fries i guess you could say. i've had better, but im not one to complain :]
Cindy got this peach/mango ice cream thingy, that was to die for!! it was insanely good. she got it from Tease Me Tea. i've always wanted to get something there, but i was too concious to spend my money, and i was too lazy to get up. I drank most of Cindy's thing, because it was TOO good to put down.
hmm.. im still wondering: Why do guys sometimes not wear jackets? if anyone can answer that, (besides Max's answer of guys showing their arms) please, let me know. i'm just curious.

well, after eating, the people started doing stuff.. with their laptops. i dk what they were doing, but it was something. So, we spent half our afternoon, in little kiddy chairs with a mini-green table. Me, sipping Cindy's drink thingy.

After about 3 hours?.. we started heading out. i wanted to go window shopping, emphasis on the window part, but Cindy had to head back.. and Dennis and Max wanted to go to her house. or well, she invited them. and since my parents get so pissy about me taking BART by myself, i decided to go to Cindy's, even though Kyle offered to take me back. Which i thought would've been too much trouble.
Ullysses left while we were eating, which was sad because i might never see him or his british accent again. Then, Kyle left while we were about to take BART. him, in another direction.

At Cindy's, everyone had a computer infront of them. Cindy had her laptop, so did Max, and Dennis used Cindy's PC. so, i was left without a computer. which was fine by me, because i was then able to eavesdrop into other people's conversations :D
Cindy drew me, which turned out VERY cute. Max ended up getting picked up, and Cindy's sister drove Dennis and i to BART. While on BART, i fell asleep. which, usually doesnt happen. only twice so far. i think i had a dream, but i forgot it. its hard to dream when people around you talk nonstop, and you're ears are popping.
my dad picked us up, and started ranting about how "tomorrow, you have to pack... blah blah blah" i forget what he said. it was something important though.
i started REALLY not wanting to go to China after a while. but i soon eventually fell asleep.. infront of the computer too. which is the fourth time so far.

i woke up this morning, DREADING to pack, but enthusiastic none the less.
my day today, will consist of packing. packing all the stuff i can take.
usually, i love packing. but.. its only FUN to pack, when you're actually going somewhere you want to go. not because you're forced to. so far, im guessing my days in China are going to consist of visiting relatives, that pinch my cheek, and awkward-ness. how FUN!

the only part im looking forward to, is the Great Wall. which i havent seen yet. i've been to China before, when i was six. i went with my grandparents, and i cried a lot because i missed my mom.
we had a pet cricket in China, and 2 turtles. we stayed at my Aunt's house. who was surprisingly nice.
But, i feel like im on a mission this time. My aunt's husband gambled a lot, they fought constantly. she eventually kicked him out, leaving him on the streets. so, i guess my cousin and my aunt are gonna come with us back to the US. they'll live with us, or, at least until they find somewhere else.
*sigh* it'll be really awkward. well, at least i have one thing to look forward too: calling long distance! :D that's always fun.
i'm still hoping i can ditch packing today, and prolong it until tomorrow morning. which i doubt can happen.
Ugh, i also hate spending 2 weeks in a hotel/relatives house with my dad. my brother, i can handle. but my dad... ew. besides, i'll be the only girl :[
im not even sure if i can get wireless connection. which im hoping can happen, because Dennis is bringing his computer. he'll probably hog it, but maybe i can sneak on.
dad also said how we'll be outside all the time, so we wont have time to do 'stupid stuff' like that. whatever. its not like i listen to him anymore..

UGH! im leaving for China in 55 minutes. which is at 11 o'clock. and it just sucks, because i really dont want to go. i mean, i like airports. the whole checking in, security stuff. i think its uber cool. but, i HATE flying for such a long time. flying in general, is so uncomfortable for me. but, it could be worse.
last night, was probably the LONGEST i've ever talked on the phone. it was nice for lack of a better word, but it was fun nonetheless. i was packing in one hand, talking to another person in the other. for 4-ish hours, i was happy and content.

the only thing i have to look forward to, is more calling (which btw, costs a lot) and a 'reunion' when i get back. oh jeez, im gonna be so tired when i get back home. jet-lagged and what not. haha, but, i can pull myself together :]

i also hate hot weather. well, i dont hate it. a lil sunshine never hurt. but i dislike intense heat. that kind sucks. when the sun's beating down on you. bleh, just thinking about it makes me so uncomfortable.

*sigh* i'll miss everyone.
if anything happens to me, i want my Diary to be read out loud at my funeral, people that i mention in my diary can have my stuff, and... i want white and red roses :]
although, i highly doubt i'll "die" on the plane. from anything stupid like a hijacking, or terrorism thingy.
im scared now. isnt that just great?

i hope i dont miss people too much :[