foxy

I'm in china right now, on my brothers MacBook. its 10 PM. almost 11. our hotels crammed, the flight here was horrible, and its raining hard.
Our hotel is really nice, but they crammed an extra bed right smack dab in the middle of the room. The flight was horrid! 2 little kids sat behind Dennis and I, and they were kicking the chairs, and playing with the tables. i was like GODAMMIT! i barely got any sleep, but at least i didnt get too bad of a headache :]
The rain is pouring outside, and its thunder and lighting every 10 seconds. i guess its a good thing im not afraid of thunder, or else i'd be scared crapless.

so far, i've had way too many encounters with stereotypical asian men. they are so rude!! when boarding the plane, a couple just "brushed" right past me, and cut like 10 people in line so they could board first. They sneeze everywhere, dont say sorry or thank you, and just.. UGH! i cant even explain it. i so wish i was on a plan to Europe instead. although, that might've been somewhat the same.

When i first walked through the gate, i could just smell china. its not a smell i can describe, but it was a nostalgic kind of smell. reminds me of sleepless nights, eating sprite with 'nilla wafers, and watching soccer on tv. all those things happened at my stay in China when i was 6. i just guess there's no way to describe it.

we ate dinner with a bunch of other people. me, eating very little. i was thinking way to much, and i was pooped out. i miss everyone at home! i started tearing up on the plane. i know, i know. im such a wussy!!

i'm surprised at the fact that this hotel has internet connection. its almost too good to be true. i feel like, any second, God could just take it all away. when something good happens, i just feel like it can be taken away just like that. thats why every moment is something i try to savor.. although, i forget at times.

i dont have much to look forward to when i get back home. just reunions with a couple of friends, which im VERY much looking forward to. but then there's school. so that means: little computer contact as possible, and sleeping early.

so, i guess this entry proves that im not dead. i was just gonna update on what was happening here, but i guess i got a little carried away huh?

as i look out my hotel window, i see the spectacular view of the suburban China. i stuck my head (that was wet after taking a shower) out into the humid hot air, and heard the sounds of cars bustling like crazy, honking their horns at the jaywalking pedestrians. i saw the amazing lights of the City Gate, lit up to perfection, with the corney touch of a flute playing in the background. it wasnt much, but its moments like those, that just makes me so damn happy to be alive. its like i just feel so wanted, loved, and happy. i just hope that i can savor such a moment, because nothing good lasts forever.

with that opening paragraph said and done; hi :D
the people here are meanies. ok, not all of them, but most. i almost got ran over by a bus twice, and people just stare at you even when they know you know. the people that drive are impatient as hell, and almost everyone has the talent of being a 'con artist'. they just love selling you things that are such a rip off. but, they're just so good at it, that you buy it anyways.

the only 2 things i like about china are: the fact that the humid weather always gives me a good excuse to eat ice cream, wherever, whenever. and the realization that im not the shortest person in the crowd!
gotta love it.

being left handed and not being able to speak chinese aint to walk in the park either. when i eat, people just stare at my left hand. its like, they still believe that left handed people are evil, and i hate it. when my mom was little, she was left handed also. but, her school/parents made her switch to being right handed.
people ask me in chinese "do you speak chinese?" and i dont know what to say. all i do, is nod my head no. i mean, i can say a few phrases that'll get me places, but nothing significant. i even have the american accent when i speak chinese sometimes.
either that, or the shanghai-nese accent. whatever, i dont know much about accents anyways. all i know are that the british ones are hott ;]

i'd talk about what i saw today and other stuff.. but i dont feel like it. im just here because my dad dragged me along.

the only thing i thought that was special, was the Emperor and his Concubine (yea, his CONCUBINE. eww..) and how much he was in love with her. i forget what dynasty this was.. but i think the concubine's name was Qei Yang Fei - something. she was one of four of the prettiest something in chinese history. i dk, i tuned out.
but anyways, i forget the story, but it was really really really utterly romantic. ok, maybe not like "The Notebook" romantic. or "A Walk to Remember", but it was still romantic.. for chinese people.
the only corney lovey dovey movies you see about chinese people, are the dramatic soap operas, which are pretty good. well, sort of.

I miss home!!! barely a week to go...

nothing much has happened here in Shanghai. just the same old thing. we've visited what little relatives we have left here, and my dad's friends.

my dad's friends.. err, well... they're loud, obnoxious, and love to drink and smoke. talk about stereotypical chinese men. we ate lunch with them the other day, and i kept noticing one of the dudes staring at me. it was so disturbing, and uncomfortable. so, the whole time i was eating lunch (or what little food i was eating) i kept my head down. that gave me a good hour to think about things.. and i eventually started crying. or well, more like tearing up. i had to yawn continuously, to hide the fact that my eyes were all glassy looking, which got the people at the table suspicious.
i got up and walked straight to the bathroom. thats where i full out sobbed. like, the gasping for air-omg kind. i have no clue where the hell it came from, and it was scary.

hahaha, i cry a lot. a little too much for my liking.
being stuck with two males for 2 weeks, sucks. i have no personal space, and no privacy. that means, no emotional outlet.
i've been missing home ever since i got here, but i guess during the middle of the week, i kinda got used to all the thoughts of home in my head. or maybe, i was too busy 'sight seeing' to even really really think about it.

these past days we've been here leisurely, or whatever. we can go where we want, whenever we want. as opposed to earlier: a tour guide.
at the beginning of the trip, i was so confused as to what we were gonna be doing. now, i actually know.
10 days: tour guides. beijing, xi'an, hangzhou, this other place, another place, then shanghai.
3 days: leisure time, meeting/visiting relatives and friends.

these last 3 days are SO useless. those are 3 days that i could spend at home. i feel like im wasting my time being here.
when i complain, or if i get my dad all mad, he says, "If your going to act that way, why are you even here?! you act like i owe you something."
i've never said it, but in my head, its always the same reply. "YOU dragged me along. YOU were the one who never even asked if i wanted to go. and yes, you DO owe me something; 3 days i'll never get back"

looking back at the entries i've written before.. its kinda like "omg, did i really say that? ew." i suppose i could go back and edit them.. but i'm too lazy -_-

im back home from china! im so incredibly happy, but i miss being able to avoid piano, or everyday stress. its like, i dreaded going, and i couldnt wait to be back home. but now, i sort of regret not using those 2 weeks to my advantage. a two week "vacation", and all i was thinking about was what i'd do when i get back home. i always do that. i do things without thoroughly thinking them through, then i end up regretting everything.

the tummy-aches just never cease. this is about the 5th time today, i've had a SHOOTING pain in my stomach. its unbearable! i feel like im about to die, its that painful. although, i wouldnt be able to compare a sword being stabbed in me, with this kind of pain. but i imagine the pain to be on somewhat the same level.

on the plane back to SF, i noticed there were a lot of asian mixed kids. most, asian-white. they spoke english and chinese, and i was really impressed. although, during the 10-hour flight, they talked about Family Guy (which they shouldnt even be watching in the first place) and guns. while everyone was sleeping, they'd open the airplane window, waking everyone in light-reaching distance, which included me. so, during the whole 10 hours, i got at the least, 4 hours of sleep, which were still on and off.
but the kids were really cute. asian faces, brown hair.. i dk. mixed kids are really good looking, and i envy them.
people say airline food stinks. i'd have to agree with them. chicken w. rice, or beef w. noodle. disgusting food equals tummy-aches? im assuming thats the reason to the horrible pain.

another random thing i noticed, was that the whole time i was in China, i didnt sneeze. not once. 2 weeks without sneezing.. is that possible?
i also didnt get sunburn, which really surprises me. i spent one day in Great America, and the tops of my cheeks were all pink. so i dont get how 2 weeks in China didnt effect me. maybe it was all the smog covering the sun?
i also started breaking out. polluted air does no wonder for my skin.

relatives like to criticize. i guess thats where my mom got it from. i thought that after going through so much of it through my mom, i could handle getting it from my relatives. but thats not the case. they like the point out the bad things. always the bad things, never the good things.

even at home, i get no privacy. i lock my door, hoping to shut things out. but they always come back knocking.. literally. the times i do have privacy, im bottled up in my thoughts. over-analyzing, and being my own critic. the things that bring me joy, never seem to last long enough.

today was my mom's birthday: Happy Birthday Mom!

the stuff i did today.. was almost an exact replay of yesterday, but a lot less exciting. we took a ferry thingy from San Rafael to SF, then, like yesterday, took Muni to Pier 39. i walked around Pier 39, lost in my thoughts. we got waffle cone stuff, but i got my ice cream in a cup.
it was barely half the day, and my mom just couldnt wait to criticize the woman taking our ice cream orders. the lady wasnt really smiling, or being polite, and i guess my mom likes being catered to.. smiles and all. so she lashed out on the poor lady. didnt take dennis and i long enough to back away as if we didnt know her.
i walked past Wetzel Pretzel stand, and my eyes just started lingering on the sign. we walked some more to the arcade. as always, there were people going crazy on DDR, but unfortunately, the people playing the guitar thing sucked. so, we moved on, got clam chowder and fish & chips. thats when i had ANOTHER shot of pain in my stomach, making it the 3rd time that day.
then we watched the sea lions laying on the dock. so laid back and whatnot.. lucky.

we then went out to dinner, with all the relatives on my mom's side. only 1 of my grandpa's son-in-laws was there.. making the mood a little depressing. chinese food in america is A LOT better then the chinese food in china, which is ironic. even still, my appetite didnt seem to be too fond.

all those stupid disorders i hear, are so damn stupid. im too educated in that stuff to even do that to myself. and if i ever do, someone, please please, knock some sense into me.
every kind of food i used to crave, doesnt appeal to me anymore. food used to bring me happiness and joy. maybe thats why i used to always eat: to fill up that empty space. but, maybe.. just maybe, something has already taken up that empty space, always making me feel full of happiness. but then again, i could be wrong.

my friend just IMed me this video she took of my friend and me. it was in 7th grade at the park, and we were rockin' to our ipods. or at least, i was. its embarassing.. but i think i should at least post it up: please, just dont laugh.
i know we look stupid, but it reminds me of the times when i was carefree, and full of life. why am i not that free-spirited girl anymore? is it because i've matured? or maybe, because im too conscious of my surroundings. whatever it is, i feel like i've been holding back all my actions. im always afraid of what people will think of me, and im afraid to unleash my wild side.
maybe its a phase, or maybe i've changed. i dont know why im so bottled up these days. but, maybe its for the better.

being in China for 2 weeks, was a great vacation. but, that also meant neglecting my ice skating practices. to really get the whole point of this entry, i guess im gonna have to reach into my past with this particular hobby of mine.

i started ice skating when i was around 4, because i had taken ballet. but the class just shut down, and i loved dancing around the living room when i was little. so my parents thought "gymnastics" but no, that'd be too dangerous. in the end, they settled with ice skating.
they took me to Berkeley Iceland, and i started skating there. i loved it. gliding so freely, the wind in your face.. i felt so happy. so, they signed me up for lessons. i learned really fast, and i enjoyed every moment i had ice skating.
around the age of 6, i joined their Synchronized Ice Skating Team (Berkeley Blades, soon changed to Ice Mystique in later years). i was the youngest member and the shortest. we traveled to different states, competing in Regionals and Nationals.
our coaches were tough, but they were tough because they wanted to win. even though we werent the best of the best, we were still pretty good. i made so many memories there.. but not a single best friend.
we had 2 teams: Ice Mystique Juvenile, and Ice Mystique Jr. i was on the Jr. one, with all the older girls who were 7 more years ahead of me. by that time, i was 10. the Juvenile team had kids my age too, but my level at ice skating at the time, exceeded theres.
i remember sitting alone in the back of the bus that took us to our practices during Regionals and Nationals. we've been to Alabama, Michigan, Mass., Colorado, Utah.. and so many other places. we'd stay in hotels, with chaperons. we'd get up early in the morning, dress up, then head for practice at the local rink. i'll always remember just sitting in the back, staring at the snow on the ground. i never quite fit in, because i was so quiet. and being the runt of the group, i was known to be innocent. if i ever was involved in any conversation, people would literally cover my ears, so they could say cuss words, and not ruin my 'innocence'.

i had my share of individual competitions. i'd bring home medals: bronze, silver.. but never gold. i have but only one gold medal. and thats from synchro. skating.
at those competitions, my mom would always say, "do your best. i dont care what place you get as long as you try your hardest." boy, did she totally lie to me. after getting numerous bronze medals, my mom just quit on me. she'd scream her head off each time, "why didnt you get gold?! you didnt try your hardest!! you need to practice more!!" she criticized me, and pointed out why i didnt win. at that time, i wanted to impress her really badly. but i failed, making me feel like a failure. that took its toll on me.
after a while, she didnt even bother coming to my competitions. she'd purposely schedule work that day, and miss it. even then, my dad replaced the spot of my mom. now it was his turn to be mad, "your wasting our money on this! why do you even bother ice skating anymore? you're never going to get first place, because you never practice as hard as those other girls out there." stereotypical. my parents loved comparing me to other better people out there.
this kept on continuing through ages 10 to 12. i finally got fed up from disappointment after disappointment. age 10 was when i first got my own taste of failure: last place. i was so mad at myself, but i kept on competing, hoping that i could restore some sort of confidence in my ability.
after that, i never quite did, and i quit competing. now all i do are the ice skating tests. stuff to do with edges, balance.. crappy stuff that no one thinks is worth it.

Berkeley Iceland soon closed down. it literally broke my heart. i grew up skating there. i had numerous birthday parties held there. thats where i learned my first jump, and the first place i've ever skated.

i dont even know why i continued to skate after that, but i moved to Oakland. maybe the reason why i still skate, is because i've been doing it for half my life. its become a part of me, and leaving it would be like leaving a peice of me behind.
at school, im known as the 'figure skater'. i've gained some sort of reputation for it, and people constantly say that if i ever make it to the 'olympics' that i remember them. yeah.. whatever.
going back to school, i'd hate to answer people's questions. because, i know people are still going to ask, "so do you still ice skate?" it would literally kill me inside if i said, "no, i dont anymore". i dont want to be looked at as a quitter, but then again.. its like, if i dont quit sooner or later, how am i going to move on in my life? how am i ever going to find another hobby or sport that interests me? theres so much to think about.
if i continue ice skating, i'll just be wasting valuable sleep time, my parents' money, and the username "foxyfigureskater" will no longer apply to me. i'd be living a lie.
but, if i dont quit now.. i could be missing out on another sport that i could be really good at. i know theres some sort of hobby/sport out there, thats calling for me.

or, maybe i'll just live a life of no hobbies. no sport to commit to, and nothing to pass the time. that could always work.. but then, what would make ME special? i dont excel in school, im not a "beauty queen", and im not that great of a person. i know so many people out there that are unique because they use their talents to good use, but me? hah, i fail at everything.

comparing the feelings i got from when i skated when i was little, to the feeling i get now.. its not the same. i still like ice skating, but changing environments really changed all that. at Berkeley, i'd skate in the morning, and there would only be a couple of people out there with me. Berkeley was so pretty in the morning, calm, and peaceful. i could skate to my hearts content without anyone judging me.
at Oakland, there are about a million other people out there with you. all crammed, fighting for spots where they can jump or spin. i have no freedom, and the coaches there are so hardcore. if they find you slacking off, they'll immediately get on your back for that.
and i admit.. i still love competing. skating to music, doing jumps and spins where everyone can watch you. but thats the problem: everyone can watch you. so, if you fall.. you're basically having what seems like the world, watching you fall.

there are so many ups and downs to ice skating. it just depends on how much you love a challenge, and how devoted you are. me? im not too fond of challenges, and my devotion for ice skating vanished a long time ago. maybe the screwed up experiences i've had with ice skating is seriously catching up.

i'd love to be able to say that i spent my summer to its fullest. that i did something wild and memorable. unfortunately, i cant say i've done anything super spontaneous and rebellious.
but, there'll always be many more summers to go. i just hope my future summer's will consist of more productivity, and stuff worth doing. yesterday, i decided that i needed something to do. so i decided to clean. and clean i did. i vacuumed my room, organized my crap, and even fished out my elementary school yearbook.

i kinda fell asleep on top of my bed, with my task left unfinished. when i woke up this morning, i forgot where i put everything, and i was starting to feel the pain in my lower back again from bending down to pick up stuff. i wanted to get up and work out. but it seemed impossible to me, because i didnt have enough energy to go outside and run. plus, i dont have any running shoes or whatever. so running really hurts my feet, because the shoes i have right now dont have any arch support :[

nothing significant has happened this past week. i emailed my coach to tell him my thoughts about ice skating, and i even told my mom. of course, with some sprigs of tears here and there.
its funny. this isnt the first time i've thought about quitting. when i was 11, i was thinking the same thing. and whenever i talked about quitting, i'd always cry. it still happens to this day.
my coach emailed me back, with a "i dont think you should quit. not until you finish your senior moves-in-the-field." my mom said the same, despite the fact that she used to say i should just give up.
i havent gone skating in 3 weeks, counting this week. i was suppose to go this morning, but my mom forgot, and i didnt even bother reminding her.
maybe when school starts, i'll start ice skating again. but of course.. i'll have to wake up at 4 in the morning to skate, since school starts at 8:30. but im pretty used to it by now.

mm.. i got the results back.. i think, friday? yea. right after my last blog..
can't say im happy with them, but i did better then i expected. always proficient, never advanced. i did better in math then english, which is ironic, because i suck at math. i also sucked at history.. even though i like history. wait, come to think of it, i failed science too.

my overall results are a lot better looking then my "detailed" results.
overall, i got 371-389: proficient range. but, it looks terrible compared to advanced. the highest possible score is a 600. um, 389 compared to a 600.. i fail.
ah, and then theres the "detailed" part of the results. kinda sad how overall, the highest percentage of right answers i got was a 94%

i mean, im not one to beat myself up for doing poorly. it is afterall, my fault for not doing my best in school. i know i can do better.. or, at least i think. procrastination is NOT going to get the best of me this year, and i plan on doing my homework every night.

oh gosh, i planned on doing the same exact thing last year. it didnt turn out as good as i hoped. all the work i turned in was copied work. but this time, i plan on doing it myself! i really need to set my priorities straight.

highschool is definitely gonna open new opportunities. but with new opportunities, comes a lot more pressure. peer-pressure, self-pressure, and just pressure in general. also, temptation.
ahh.. the vast world of high school. i just cant wait to get my first taste of it on tuesday.

i woke up at 4AM this morning, to find out that i just missed the Lunar Eclipse by an hour..
or was it half an hour? i dont remember. but, when i looked outside my window, i noticed a massive amount of fog everywhere. kinda created an eerie sorta effect, which scared the crap outta me.
4AM was actually just the time i turned the computer on. i've been sleeping on and off since 8:55 PM. well.. more like i laid in bed trying my hardest to sleep, but didnt actually succeed until 10:20. then, i woke up at 12, again at 1, then again at 2.
i kept on tossing and turning, which really really started annoying me. maybe it was the fact that i was really angry (no thanks to my parents) and maybe i was nervous for school. i got a new backpack/messenger bag, new supplies and everything. i still dont know what im gonna be wearing tomorrow, and i have no more shampoo left! grrrr... >:[
i wanted to go diary/calender shopping yesterday after stopping off at Staples, but dad just drove right home after dennis and i requested to go to Barnes and Noble. life seems so much more tense when he's around. he came back from China on Saturday, and things around here are so much more different, and i hate it.

mm.. first day of school starts in 4 hours. great.

i walked to school with my friend this morning, and we were talking about how depressing it is to be going back to school. but right now, its even more depressing.
last night, i was almost excited to go back to school. i was so nervous, but surprisingly, a little bit excited.
this half of the semester, i only have 3 blocks. Biology, Geometry, and Geography. sounds reasonable. my second half of the year consists of PE, English, and French. im really looking forward to French. i checked out the French classroom, and its full of black and white pictures of France.

even thinking about French right now is not making me any happier. i guess today just didnt meet my expectations. no matter how hard i try not to have expectations, they just happen. im actually dreading school so much right now.

maybe day 2 of highschool will be better...
bleh, just thinking about it makes me wanna fake sick tomorrow.

GAH. lifes a big mess right now. its a bit jumbled here and there.. and even my own thoughts confused me sometimes. school hasnt gotten any better, exept maybe my last block: foundations geography. i dont even know why the hell they call it that, but all i know is that that class is filled with cool people. i laughed the most in that class then the whole day combined. bleh.. maybe i just like it because she hasnt assigned any homework yet. or, well.. hard homework. ah! dont jinx it >_< *knock on wood*
i almost fell asleep in biology. the teacher did one of those projector lectures, where she turns off all the lights so you can see better. and i swear, as soon as those lights went off, so did the light in my head.
geometry isnt any better from yesterday. we have this stupid poster we have to do in groups, and the people in my group started talking about Freshman Friday's. AH, thats coming up soon.
the teacher has a horrible grading system (from what i heard) and she sorta sucks at teaching. she looks like she teaches kindergarten instead of at a high school. and all we do is take notes, and she doesnt even bother really explaining it. man.. im so changing out of her class.

im willing to learn. thats my main priority right now: learning. i really wanna be able to succeed in high school, and do well. but right now, its seeming a bit hard with so much other stuff going on outside of school. i decided to hang out with my friends after school, and we watched The Covenant. The Covenant a "HOT guy flick". its filled with hot guy-ness everywhere! Toby Hemingway is so cute in it too!! maybe even better then Draco Malfoy? ... hah! yea right.
annyywwayyss.. nothing like a good movie, and friends to pick up your mood. although, i did actually finish my geometry homework while the scary scenes in The Covenant were playing.
the movie isnt good, but that doesnt matter to me ;]

i kinda wanted to avoid going home, because i knew that if i went home, i'd have to deal with my dad about stuff that i dont wanna deal with. but when i eventually did go home, i totally did absolutely nothing. which never is a good thing, because then that leads to too much jumble-ness in the head.
so, i do what i normally do when i need to clear my head: go skateboarding. yea, it sounds superly stupid, but it works for me. i also took a walk, watched the sunset, and i even started talking to myself. i found it quite pitiful. i was so lonely, that i needed to talk out loud to no one in particular. even though it did actually work, im finding myself insane. not crazy babbling insane, just sort of out of control with my life.

it'll wear off. at least i hope so.

i havent felt this low, or hysterical in a long, long time..
i had to drag myself out of bed, and into the shower, when i realized i didnt finish my homework from last night. so i had to rush, which totally made me forget how today was Freshman Friday.
security and the school tried their hardest to make sure no one got hazed. but people still did it.

i changed into another geometry class. but they were taking a test the next day, and he expected me to do well on it! yet another expectation i can't meet.
lunch was terrifying. i saw seniors, even juniors, walking around carrying cartons of eggs behind their backs. i was so scared, but i just thought, "what are the chances of me getting egged?"

i went home right after school. ah, home. i had to fill out forms for tennis and stuff, because the meeting was in a couple of hours. the meeting wasnt bad. i felt excited to be doing tennis. it might also be a good sport for me to take out my frustration, which has reached such a level these days. as the coach was explaining the schedule, i noticed how busy i'd be this year. but i like being busy. it leaves little time for me to think, which will be good for me.

we went to the El Cerrito Plaza for food and Jamba Juice after the meeting. it totally was not a good idea. as i was walking, i got egged.
it was just me. none of my friends did, but me.. we didnt know them, but the lucky egg just happened to land on me. i didnt know how to react. i was so angry, yet so sad. part of me wanted to just break down and cry right there, and the other wanted to grab anything in sight, and chuck it at them. i just chose neither, and kept on walking. not until i was a safe distance away, did i check what damage was done.
that egg was just the icing ontop of a beautiful fucking day. its like, how your already close to the edge, but that one little thing just throws you right off.

i feel like going down to Baskin Robins, buying a quart of ice cream, then watching sad movies. its sorta cliche, people blubbering like idiots, face wet with tears, shoving mountains of ice cream into their mouths. makes me feel ashamed to even think about doing it.

maybe tomorrow will be better. then again.. i highly doubt it.