foxy

Is it possible to hate your dad, and to have that favor returned? I don't think its possible. But I stand corrected.

First, I was furious. Furiously mad. So mad, I could punch a wall. Yet, so sad I could cry. Evidently, I did both.
I was fucking pissed off, because he goes off assuming. Since I'm the stupidest, youngest, naive girl of the household, and since I was the last person he saw using the computer, he goes and blames me for breaking it. He just fixed the sound yesterday. Then this morning, I go check my mail. That's all. Just my email.
Then, recently, he gets all up in my face, and blames me for breaking it. "Look what you did!!! What did you do to the computer?!?!?!?!?!"
I'm pissed the fuck off. He assumes its me. Apparently, I broke the speakers. I didn't even use the speakers for God's sake.
And I'm hurt. Because he automatically accuses me. He doesn't even ask.
Whenever anything is broken, dented, or scratched, he just goes off and yells at me. No second guessing, no logical thinking. All based on assumption.

I'm sick and tired of taking the blame. And I'm sick and tired of feeling like he doesn't even care about me. Like I'm just there. A complication in his life, a nuisance, and just another mouth to feed. Unwanted. Never a "Daddy's Little Girl".
I can't even explain it correctly.

We were suppose to go to the Bay Cities Synchronized competition held at Oakland together. But I don't even want to talk to him.
I mean, this is normal, right? Teenager hates parent. Parent thinks teenager is irresponsible, and ungrateful. Completely normal. So, whatever.

It hurts when someone you really care about goes after someone who is way out of their league. Someone who isn't good enough for them. Like you know you can do them better, and you had your chance.. but you blew it. And now sloppy fourths are being passed around.
I can't word it without hurting a few in the process. Naming names, pointing fingers.. I don't want to, yet thats exactly what I want. I want to blame someone else. Point fingers, and blame them. But then I'd just be a hypocrite.
Stereotypical scenario. You go out with a guy, get dumped, then he heads for your friend. Same thing, just a little tweaked. Then he goes for someone you absolutely hate, on and off. Dumps her, then goes for your friend again. Sloppy fourths.
And it all happens within a year time frame. And here, you thought he was a nice guy. Someone honestly nice, and genuine. Someone who would listen. But he fucking goes for someone else. Someone who doesn't deserve him. Then again, maybe they do for the shitty things he's done. Perfect match.

It hurts, for some odd reason. You've both moved on, but whenever you see him with another girl around his arm, its.. weird. Almost to a point of it being awkward. Even though you were the one to break it off, things between both of you are confusing. A no talking bases.
You gained experience, but lost a friend through the process. Not one friend, but two.
An emotional battle every time you see him.

How did this come up? I dunno. But with Snow Ball this Friday, everyone's getting pretty hectic. Boys are asking girls, girls are asking boys. Then there are the people who just go with their friends.
Sharon's going with Mariana, Jade's going with Brooks. Thats the problem of being a circle of five friends. Someone's always left out. A fifth wheel.
On the other hand, I bought a dress I actually like. Which I didn't think was possible, 'cause I don't really like dresses. OK, my inner girl loves dresses. Dressing up, and all that crap. But some other part of me thinks its such a hassle.

I wonder if its a sin to hug and make friends with a dude who looks like Marilyn Manson, and works at Hot Topic. Because thats exactly what happened. He was tall, pale, British accent-ish, leather platform boots, long leather jacket, long nails.. and to top it all off: black lipstick.
*Shudder*. Gotta be in his thirties. Although I was really creeped out, the benefits outweigh them. I was thinking something along the lines of discounts and stuff..

New resolution for debate. "Resolved: It is just for the United States to use military force to prevent the acquisition of nuclear weapons by nations that pose a military threat."
Its an interesting topic, and what's good is that I can already think of multiple arguments for it. Which never happened with the other two resolutions, so this is a good sign. Its going to be a bitch writing another case and coming up with a really good value criterion/sole contention. But its not like I didn't have this problem before.

I'm really tired, but I can't sleep. I have a lot of thinks left undone, and its really hard for me to sleep knowing that I left things unfinished. Almost like guilt for not finishing it. *Sigh* But I should try nonetheless.

So I just finished reading Deathly Hallows. Yup, thats right. THE last book of Harry Potter, and I just finished reading it. It came out like, June? Around then. I guess I just put it off for a while. I didn't like the idea of finishing it, because that meant no more Harry Potter books :[
I honestly don't find closure in the ending. Its.. bleh. I mean, WHO DOES DRACO MARRY?! Gah! I really want to know!! And then he has "somewhat" receding hair? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! And all the names are so confusing. So many little kids running around.. jeez.

Well, I'm definitely dizzy after reading that much in four hours. I feel like I've accomplished something. Something I didn't really want to accomplish. I mean, there's no more books after this!
Hah, the reality of this is just hitting me. Four months too late that is. No more HP books after this. Only HP movies... which I can live it. For the time being.

Parents just love making their kids play piano, don't they? They just always find a way to make things horrible. I like playing piano. When I'm not made to. And I'm made to more then half the time. And if they didn't make me, I'd then be playing piano out of the enjoyment of myself. Not for them.
My mom just made me play piano, this late at night. I have to get up at 4 tomorrow morning, and she really didn't care. She used the Recital coming up Sunday as an excuse to make me, but I know that even if there wasn't a Recital this Sunday, she'd still fucking make me.
Just the fact that she insulted my ice skating made it that much worse. She said she didn't care if I didn't go ice skating the next morning, and she didn't care if I quit. She said I was bad enough as it is.. so why should it matter?.. That was a low blow.
I don't find it fair, how I just learned a new song barely a month ago, and my mom expects me to play it perfectly.
Now, I REALLY need sleep.

A bay-gull! Haha, bagel... XD
Speaking of seagulls.. one pooped on me during lunch today. >:[
Its a good thing this morning I went, "Ya know, maybe I'll wear a headband today." And that headband saved my life.. and my hair. The poop landed on the headband, so all's well.
Stupid seagull.

Last night was Snow Ball. It was pretty cool. Free food and drinks, and dancing and screaming. So my feet are bruised, and my voice is dead. Its also.. awkward. Seeing people you know.. freaking with other people you know. Blegh.

I watch tv and read, because they bring me out of reality. They bring me into another world, where I'm drawn away from reality, and where I can just imagine, and watch other people's life instead of mine. It pulls me away from what I don't want to deal with. But when the tv's off, and the book's closed, I get blasted back to reality. And I hate it.
I keep on fading away from people. From everyone. Whether it be family, or school friends, to church friends or ATDP friends.
*Sigh* Sometimes, people act differently to one person, than to another. Its kinda like, special treatment to one person, while the other person get the shorter end of the stick. Or something like that. And yea, everyone does that. But it hurts when you're the one getting the shorter end. It makes me realize, that things change. Things don't just stay the same. They either go down, or up.
Am I not a comfortable person to be with? I'm starting to get that image from everyone. Like maybe I'm too uptight, or quiet, or crazy, or just plain weird. I don't understand.
They say High School is the best time of your life. But right now, it just sucks.

"Life can show no mercy,
It can tear your soul apart.
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy,
But you're not."

Mm.. I love Michael Buble.

.. Seems like its taking me forever.

Maybe I'll start entries with song lyrics now. In half the time I write this, I can spend on thinking of a title for my entry, and still not succeed. So, song title's it is :D

*Sigh* I've been sitting infront of this computer from 3:30 to 11:30. Thats eight hours of trying to type my case for debate. And still, I only have the major points. I need more cards, and more warranting. God! Is eight hours not enough?! I honestly dislike, wait no, hate case writing. It takes so much out of me. I still haven't finished all the other homework I have, and its already almost midnight.
I'm suppose to get up in four and a half hours to go ice skating. I should've been asleep four hours ago. Actually, since this week started, I've gotten the littlest sleep. So, count Sunday night, thats five hours of sleep.. Monday, seven. Tonight... four.
But mm.. I shouldn't complain. It is my fault anyways. Not balancing my workload really does take its toll.

I'm also not gonna complain anymore about the fact that I "feel alone" or whatever. Because I'm not, and I know it. And its my fault I feel that way. I shouldn't sit back, and watch things just pass by. If I want things to change, I need to take action. Pounce on every chance I get. But, its still a process in the making.

Gah.. When I start scratching my eyes out, I really, really think its time to drop what I'm doing, and sleep.

Haha, odd title don't ya think? Well, I have a good explanation, I swear. Or.. sorta.
During debate, I said how much I hated Wednesdays, and my friend went, "Hump Day" and I go, "Hump Day?" And she goes, "Yeah! You see, Sunday you start out at the bottom, then you gradually get to the peak- Wednesday. Then you go back down. Hump Day!" And I go, "Ooohhh.. That probably explains it... "
Mmm... that probably wasn't necessary for me to say all that..

When all the papers, and tests and studying are done, I just love this feeling. Like, everything, all the weight on my shoulders is now gone. I now can just wait for this week to finish, knowing that next week brings even more stuff. Which is discouraging to say the least, but I've gotten used to it.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend! I simply can't wait. And I mean, I don't even know why I'm excited. I'm probably gonna be bored out of my mind.. but I'll be on my laptop all the time. Which will probably make my mom exasperated.
Jeez, another week 'till Winter Break. I don't know if I can wait any longer! I haven't slept in, in so long. I can't sleep in Saturday's 'cause mom gets all mad if I do, and I can't Sunday's either.

The extremely weird weather is making my mood shift a lot too. Its sunny, so sunny it blinds me, yet the wind and coldness bites my nose.
Jack Frost is being a big meany this year.

13 more days until Christmas!!!

Well, after packing all day yesterday, we're leaving soon. My mom and I. Kinda like a mother daughter trip? Except my dad's really mad that I'm missing school today. But I've already made up all the work, so I don't see why he has to worry so much.

I was stargazing last night.. and I came across eight shooting stars, 13 planes, and after a long, long time, I could make out the Little Dipper. But that was probably just my imagination. I wish I could've been able to see Gemini though.
Mars is suppose to be really close tonight. I don't know, I'm looking forward to that. Its like I've become some sort of astrology freak.

I'm not excited anymore, actually. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave home. The last time I was on a plane, I was going to China. Wow, that wasn't all that long ago either.

I'll bring my laptop, of course. But its not a sure bet whether or not they'll have internet connection. Hopefully they do. If not, I'm totally and completely screwed. I can't (believe it or not) live without the computer for more then three days. I feel lost, and disconnected. Plus, I need the internet to finish homework.

I don't want to leave home. Sure it'll only be for like, two days.. but I'm definitely gonna be homesick. I mean, there's nothing really there for me to be homesick for, nothing worth being homesick for. But yet, I am.

On the bright side, the weather over there is... well, horrible. Isolated thunderstorms. See, if you were a normal person/average person, you'd probably be like, "WTF? Thunderstorms?! Dammit." But I'm totally the opposite. I love thunderstorms. They're dangerous, loud, and fun.
At least thats one thing to look forward to.

Hey! I'm in Texas right now, and we're staying at this amazing hotel in downtown Houston. The Hilton.. Holy crap its amazing. I'm in the lobby's bar (sipping cranberry juice ;]) with free wifi, and listening to a pianist playing music on a grand piano. Damn. This is so relaxing..
I love this hotel! Spa, pool, ballroom, and probably a gym. Jeez.. Too bad I'm only staying for two days. Barely two days.

A two hour time difference from home. Not much, but its 9 here, 7 at home. Only 7! And I'm exhausted already.
I'd love to be able to really, really enjoy this "vacation". But I can't. Knowing I have to have my revised cases in, fully finished, ready to go, by Monday. I'll barely have time tomorrow and Sunday. I really wish I could just relax. Relax everything; my mind, my heart, my body.. everything. By Wednesday, I was relaxed fully. I had my cases turned in, and I just had to wait for them to be critiqued. But when I got my critique back, it was anything but "constructive criticism." I basically have to start over from scratch because its so bad. Just when I thought I'd be able to enjoy this weekend away fully, work just hits me in the face. And it hurts like hell.
But I guess this is as good as its gonna get. The vacation part I mean. But then there's Winter Break. Oh God.. just another week. Fuck, then there's another debate tournament during the first weekend of break.
Jeez.. Can I just like.. quit?!

I'm a little frustrated because I can't see the sky here. Its too foggy! Its making the sky look like its covered in smog. How disgusting. But there's no thunderstorms, no rain. Just humid and cold. Now I can't see Mars. But I'll be able to see Mars throughout Christmas and New Years.

I'll try to get a post in tomorrow. Hopefully this too good to be true free wifi lasts that long.

I'm not one to complain (maybe..) but I feel like crap. I woke up feeling sick, and I still do, even though its gotten better a little bit. Numerous things are making me go bonkers. My case that I haven't even started on yet, my sore, sore throat, and the fact that I can barely stand. I wish I was home.
Its so odd how I was sick before Thanksgiving Break, and now I'm sick just before Winter Break.
I usually don't get sick. Or maybe I'm not sick, and I'm just overreacting. Yea, thats probably it.

I guess I just have to wait for Christmas to come. All the days leading up to Christmas are so slow, but when Christmas comes, it just zips by.
I feel homesick again. But I don't have anything to look forward to when I get back home, except Christmas. But the debate tournament's before Christmas, so thats basically preventing me from wanting Christmas to come.

God I really should stop complaining, and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that could be a New Year's Resolution. But no one ever keeps up with those. I don't think.
Now that I think about it, today was exhausting. Probably not to any normal person, but I think its safe to say that I'm probably not normal.

Hopefully I'm just having growing pains. Yes! Growing pains!! Its like a bittersweet word. Growing (yay!). Pains (eww.)

*Sigh* Maybe I'll sleep now. Tomorrow's gonna be full of shopping (that'll be interesting), flying, and working on my stupid cases. Lets just hope that jet lag doesn't kick in tomorrow night.

10 more days until Christmas.

80%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Eek! Am I really that addicted to blogging?! Crap..
I'm wasting a lot of time blogging. Maybe its time to stop blogging. A hiatus. We'll see how that goes. It probably won't last that long.

I don't think this whole hiatus thing is gonna work out all that well. Well I mean, obviously, considering the fact that I'm breaking it right now. No durr.
*Sigh* Blogging. Sure, its okay to blog consistently when you have something worthwhile to blog about. And I sure as heck don't. So then, why am I blogging? Writing hasn't made much progress, therefore, I don't think blogging will either. But then again, what kind of "progress" am I expecting?

A whole bunch of my entries have been boring. Seriously, seriously boring. How exactly then, do I spice up my blog? I could start by making it look prettier. Catch the eye, if not with images, colors and textures. I like art. Painting, mixing colors, and using clay. All of which I suck at. But since when did people succeed at things they love? I certainly haven't been able to.
Things we want talent for, we can't have. Things we don't want, we have talent for. This just seems to be the pattern in my life. Except, there's nothing I genuinely don't want. I can accept things with open arms, therefore, looking back at the pattern in my life, I don't have talent for anything.
Its hard to believe that everyone has a certain talent, when you yourself, can't find a talent to assert yourself to. But I can't exactly blame it on anything, or anyone. I haven't exactly tried all there is to try. So I can't be sure that I don't have a talent. Maybe my talent's something I'd never expect it to be. Something unique or amazing. Then again, thats probably just false hope.

Things I've aspired, I couldn't do because I was too short, or too petite. Yet, things that require the positions of being short, or being petite, I'm not good at. Maybe I should stop looking at talent from a sports point of view. Rather, an intellectual point of view would be better. Even then, I'm a slacker, and I'm definitely lazy. And not being lazy, but being determined is a prerequisite to working hard, and being intellectually talented.

So I've come to the conclusion that I have no talent. Instead, just a non normal, yet average teenage kid who sits around, wasting her life away. Waiting until some miracle happens.

Its pouring rain! Hehe, I'm kinda enjoying it. But I wish it would snow..

I got two hours of sleep last night. Yup, thats right. Only two hours. I stayed up 'til 2 AM, then had to get up later around 4 for ice skating practice. Why stay up until 2? The reason is simple: poor time management. I went gift shopping with Dennis at the Westfield Mall (Evidently, I ended up spending none of my money. I bought nothing.) and we got home around 7. Then I did some stuff that wasn't necessary, like organize my closet, or shift through my messy drawer. By the time I know it, BOOM its already 9! So I panic, and start getting homework started. Oop, then there's piano. Finish that, rush rush rush homework. Cram cram cram notes. Study, then its almost midnight. Oh no! So I open my already typed, crappy cases. Then I start working on that, revising, re-reading, editing, copying and pasting (No, it was plagarism.), then I save. Get ready for bed, when I remember I need to print them. So I walk out of my solitary confinement of a room, and step onto the cold floor and into the (haha, you'll laugh at this) computer room. Then I use my little Kingston data traveler thing I got for TIC, and viola! Print! I think I'm done, but nooo.. the computer printer goes wacko.
By the time everything is done, its 2. *Sigh*

It also doesn't help that the advertisement above the AIM buddylist is the one for One Missed Call. I watched the sequal, and I nearly died. I couldn't watch, hear, or see anything without screaming. Grr... I hate horror movies.

Even as I'm typing this, its almost midnight. I tell myself I'll sleep early, yet when "early" comes, I'm too preoccupied.
Gosh, I can't wait until this weekend is over. Then, and only then, I can finally call it Winter Break.

Alarm didn't go off this morning. Accidentally set it for PM instead of AM, so I was late to school. Great way to start off the day.

I watched I Am Legend today, with Will Smith in it. It was soooo scary. Everyone else thought it wasn't scary at all, but I mean come on! Gah.. gonna have nightmares tonight.

Today's the last day I'll probably ever write 2007 on a school paper. Its kinda sad. Today's also the last day before Winter Break. Technically for me, I don't start until next Monday. I still have to do the debate tournament tomorrow at CPS. Its three days long because of how many rounds there are, which is so intimidating.

I've stayed up past midnight five days in a row (not for no reason). I also have ice skating tomorrow morning, so you know what? Screw whatever I'm doing right now. I'm just gonna drop everything, skip piano practice, and sleep.
... after I print something out.

Woooo!!! I'm exhausted and tired, but I'm too happy to contain myself! There were only two rounds today, four tomorrow. And I won all two! I'm really happy, because I was actually starting to doubt my debating skills. Or, of what little skills I have.
The temperature outside was 40 degrees! It couldn't have been anymore bearable. But the school was absolutely beautiful. It makes me sad that we have a crappy school in portables.

I spent the whole day rushing around, preparing blocks, arguments, turns, and trying to know my cases really well. I must say, I still don't know them all that well. Its just the luck of the draw that helped me win those rounds.
Phew. I should be sleeping, seeing as how we have to be at the BART station by 7:15. Maybe I will sleep. Need to prepare for tomorrow.
Even if I don't win the tournament, I'll still be happy that I at least won two rounds. That to me, is a big enough accomplishment already. Still, I'm jealous how everyone's on Winter Break. Technically I am, but I'm still doing school stuff.. so I won't count it.

Today's also the first day of Winter! There's a frost advisory for tonight. Ahh.. a great way to start Winter off.

4 more days until Christmas.

Grr.. it seems as though my good luck didn't last very long. Either that, or my sudden wave of skills was.. a little too sudden. As always, I'm left discouraged. I didn't win enough to break, but I'm pretty sure I did 3-3. There were six rounds total, so doing half well isn't all that bad. Even though I didn't make it to elims, I'm still going tomorrow. Granted, I'm not debating. But I'll be able to experience how good the best of the best are. Plus, I need to be there to support the ones from our school that did break and make it to elims.

Usually during breaks, or even weekends, people complain about how bored they are. I do that too, but now I'm starting to realize how lucky I was. I've been debating nonstop; my voice is already scratchy. If its not debating, its pre-flowing. If its not pre-flowing, its thinking of counter responses and blocks. Even right now, I'm realizing how Christmas Eve is two days from now. How I didn't bake those cookies I planned to bake and leave for Santa, or how I didn't wrap that present, or wish someone a Happy Holidays. Things I should've realized a long, long time ago, I'm just realizing now. I even counted down the days until Christmas! How am I just realizing this now?!
I'm happy I'm not debating tomorrow. I'll still be flowing other people's rounds, but its not mandatory. Heck, its not even mandatory for me to be there tomorrow. My head is so debate filled, I'm actually willing to spend the first, real day of my Winter Break watching debate rounds.

On the bright side, they gave us free food! Whooo, I don't think I've drank this much soda in a while. Yummy scones, candy, sandwiches, Zachary's pizza.. *Sigh* Maybe thats another reason why I'm going tomorrow; free food. But the downside is that we have to get up hella early tomorrow morning. Well I guess thats the price to pay.

Technically, I didn't debate today. But that doesn't mean not a lot happened.
We watched the Varsity Final round, and the dude that was affirming totally didn't even debate. He threw his suitcase box thingy on the table, and said how debate was unfair, and how so many people cheat. Now, what motivated him to do such a thing? Well, I found out that not a lot of people like the person who was debating negative. He supposedly sucks at debating, but he only made it that far because his coaches wrote his cases, and his blocks. So he's not debating his own words. Which makes a lot of debaters pissy. Well.. as you can tell.
This made me question why I'm taking debate. Debate is incredibly biased, and totally arbitrary. Its damn near impossible to win, because you basically have to suck up to your judge. And a lot of people can cheat so easily.
On the bright-ish side, I got front row seats to what people are calling, "The Legendary Final Round". There was swearing, yelling, and people getting our of their seats. Some of the judges even refused to judge! It was unbelievable. That was probably the highlight of my day.

The only thing that passed the time today (besides the legendary final round), was following the school cat around. I heard Lexy call the cat "Tofu", so Susanna and I started following Tofu around. It was fun, until some other girls started harassing Tofu. Grr....

Everyone's seen the sunrise and the sunset. But has anyone seen the moon set? This morning, for the very first time, I did. I was in the car, when I saw how close the full moon was to us. Huge, bright, and yellow. Then it gradually touched the horizon, turning red on its way down. It was absolutely breathtaking. I'm a scenic type of person. I don't know why, but I love looking up into the sky. I'll do it subconsciously sometimes, too.

Each time I close my eyes, its a struggle to open them again. I'm looking forward to sleeping in extremely late tomorrow, but other then that, I have absolutely nothing to do. I'm grateful for that, but like I've said so many times before, it's impossible for me to do nothing.
We'll see how this break turns out.

"Today is a winding road,
that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go.
Whoa.
Today in the blink of an eye,
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why."

Hmph. I don't like Boys Like Girls, but I gotta admit.. they're starting to grow on me.

Ever since school started, I've become extremely sensitive to rejection. Any form of it, and I'll wither away for a little bit. Rejection as in, I'll speak up for once, but when I do, people ignore me completely. Its like I don't have a voice anymore. So that leads to me critiquing every single thing that comes out of my mouth. I've never been a shy girl. I may look that way, but I used to be able to pounce at every change I got. Aggressive, and never quiet. Only quiet when I have to be. But it seems as though I'm always quiet at the wrong times.
I can tell my friends are trying to make it so I don't feel left out. They'll try to include me, and I'll try to show that I'm happy they care. But I don't want to be a burden to them. A burden.. thats what I always am. Here I go again, complaining about how I'm such a nuisance. I'll try to stop complaining.. but I don't know if I can bottle up emotions easily this time.

Instead of catching up on sleep I've been lacking, I got woken up suddenly, and got told to get ready in less then half an hour. WTF? Apparently, I forgot about the family lunch today. Which turned to be the family lunch AND dinner. But it wasn't all that bad. Karaoke, almost drunk uncles and aunts, playing with fire, and burning stuff. Pretty fun.

Its almost Christmas. I barely even had time to sneak peeks at my Christmas presents! Thats like.. tradition! AH! I need to sleep soon. Leave cookies for Santa. Then sleep. Hurry hurry hurry..!! He might come any minute. I hope I don't get any coal. Then again, I don't have an stockings. Bwahaha.

I can't wait for Christmas morning! Oh, but wait.. the rest of the day is gonna be boring. Great. The Christmas effects only last for the morning. Man.. The days after Christmas are always the bummer ones. Holy crap, then there's New Years. OMG! 2008.

Scared of future, and what it will bring.

Don't you try to take me down.
Don't you try to take me over,
won't you try to break me?
Disregarding my absence of memories,
it's perpetually blinding me of sanity,
and just when I'm giving in..

Its always sad to see a day like Christmas come to an end. All the decorations, presents, happiness.. they all happen this time of year because of Christmas, and because of the whole Holiday theme.

This morning wasn't really my ideal Christmas morning. Yet, that was the problem. I was expecting this morning to be perfect. So I was disappointed. Whenever I expect too much, I always get disappointed. Thats why I don't hold high expectations. I keep trying to remind myself that.. but its hard not to get your hopes up too high.
I didn't get much for Christmas. I didn't want much for Christmas. Money, J. Crew sweater, gift card, cute little coin purse.. not much, but its better then nothing. Besides, presents aren't all that matters, albeit, that was the highlight of my day. I spent the rest of the day reading. Yay for Christmas spirit.

There's something bothering me. I can't exactly pin point it, which makes it frustrating. Even if I could, I doubt I could change it. I don't think its something I can fix. I guess I'll just.. be patient. See how this goes. Maybe time will even it out, reward me for being patient. Just hope that it will. But then again, since when has hoping ever gotten me very far?
Still awaiting that Christmas miracle.

I know Christmas is suppose to be all cheery and happy. Usually, everybody else's happiness rubs off on me. But I guess it didn't work this year.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Happy Holidays.

.. love me sweet,
never let me go.
Love me tender,
love me true,
all my dreams fulfill...

Ugh. Brain malfunctions at 2:30 AM.

Kinda stuck. Is this lost cause, really all that lost?

Watched Never Been Kissed on Bravo. God, I love that movie.
Also watched The Princess Diaries 2. Thats where the title, and song lyrics come from. Norah Jones..

Haha, random jots. Just because I can't function well enough to blog correctly. Finals and homework to study for. Wait, other way around. Jeez I need sleep.
My eyes twitching! Should it be twitching? No, I don't think so. Gah, insanity.

Found this really cool title for a song, "Don't Turn My Brown Eyes Blue". Saw it while flipping through karaoke songs Christmas Eve. Thought it was ingenious!

Spent the day watching TV, and eating. Then trying, again, to wash out the scent of fire from my hair. (Blame all the playing with fire during Christmas Eve.) Yup, then had an incredibly weird urge to go shopping. So I window shopped.. online. :]

Anyone know any really good books? I'm kinda bookless and lonely.

like breathing.
Now half of me is left.
Don't know anything at all.
Who am I to say?..
Many moons have come and gone,
don't know why I'm still searching.

I hate time. There's never enough of it. Time changes people, changes circumstances. Its either too slow, or too fast. You can't rewind it, you can't fast-forward it. And you can't stop it.
I took a lot of things for granted. Doubted. God! Why am I so stupid? So naive, blind, and just.. why didn't I see it? Jeez, I was so.. selfish. I feel terrible. How stupid could I be.

Ugh, OK.. done beating myself up for something I regret not doing. I guess.. there's nothing I can do about it now. Fucking sucks.

You say you're looking for happiness,
but when it comes, you run away from it.
You tell yourself you don't deserve it.
There's not much more that I can do,
now the rest is up to you

This song is actually kind of inspirational. I dunno, I'm starting to find comfort in songs. That'll explain why I keep opening my entries with song lyrics :]
This one's from The Plain White T's, btw.

Mm, I really want to see 27 Dresses, Enchanted, P.S. I Love You, Juno, Atonement, and The Great Debaters. Well, of course I'd go out and see them myself.. but how lame is that? And I'm too paranoid to go out alone anymore..
Hmm.. maybe its time to buy some pepper spray XD

I'm starting to feel like I'm turning back to normal. Whatever that's suppose to mean. But I'm starting to feel.. not so quiet anymore. Hopefully, thats for the better.

It kinda sucks how the dorky, nerdy kid you knew from elementary school, suddenly turns hella hot. :/

Don't hang up on me 'cause I'm hung up on you
Don't tell me how to feel like you always do
I know you're right, I don't wanna fight
Is this how our story ends or a new chapter begins?

The first thing I thought of when I woke up, was, "Holy shit. Its the last day of 2007."
Ahh, a time of reminiscing, regretting, and moving on. Some more than others. But all in all, we're moving on. Moving onto a new beginning; 2008. Starting fresh? I hope.

"Be the best you, you can be." So cliché. I've been struggling with finding my identity. Who I am. Because, honestly? I have no fucking idea who the hell I am. I can no longer be hyper, bouncy, happy, and optimistic. Instead, I stare off into space, with a blank look on my face. Apparently, that blank look on my face makes me look sad. Thus, making everyone ask, "Hey, are you okay?"
I don't know how to answer to that sometimes. I can't tell if they're really wondering if I'm ok, (because if they are, I can blubber and cry on their shoulder), or if they're just saying it, because of common courtesy. Because if thats the case, then it'd be out of the question to blow up in their faces. If only I could read minds.
Even if they were asking because they really cared, I can't word it correctly. I just have this way, this curse, that allows me to fuck things up. Even when things can't be fucked up even more, you can depend on me to do that. So even the simplest things take all the power that I have to explain correctly.

Sometimes, this just takes so much out of me. I feel like giving up, and just be the way I really am. Even if that means I'll be a lot more quiet, and unhappy. So what will it be? Force life into my eyes, be who I'm not, and feel a lot more accepted? Or be who I really am, staying quiet, and feel unhappy with where I am?

This "problem" has been following me since the end of middle school. I've mentioned it before, but its never been a top priority problem. I thought it'd be something that would just.. go away. Waiting for time to take it away. But with more then half a year under that belt, I can't depend on time anymore. I don't want to be that girl who has nowhere to sit at lunch. Who's lonely, frail, vulnerable, and open to numerous teasing. If there's anything more to fear than losing who I am, its being alone.

I never would've thought that I would be ending 2007 with this kind of.. insecurity. Out of all of the other things I've encountered this year, I would've thought that they'd be coming up behind me, and biting me in the ass.

Well, focusing on the better things that happened this year, I definitely won't forget them. 2007 will absolutely be one of my favorite years. A lot of firsts, I'll admit that. :)
I don't want to move on from 2007. I feel a little bit sad even thinking about it. I don't want it to end.. but then there's 2008 to look forward to. Hopefully, 2008 will be even better than 2007.
Hopefully.