foxy

I did a pretty shitty thing today. A couple, actually. Funny thing is, I'm so used to guilt, that this sort of thing doesn't really bother me that much anymore. Have I finally become a compulsive liar?!
Lying is just one of the many things I should be feeling guilty for. Hmm, its more like I'm feeling bad for not feeling guilty. Kind of worried almost.
I ditched class. *Gasp*!!! Sometimes I don't know if this is as bad as I think it is. I'm so fed up with my classes, something I'm usually good at dealing with. But it was only one class. Right?
Maybe I'm just having a rebellious phase.

I hate French. I hate Mrs. Bloomer, and she hates me. I'm starting to drift farther and farther away from everyone. Like it takes so much of my effort to be social and talkative, that a lot of times, I'd rather be alone. I'm tired of awkward moments that come along with meeting new people and making new friends. I'm tired of having to make myself speak. Finding the right words to say at the right moment is hard enough. Actually speaking it is even harder.
I find it stupid how I say how tired I am of things, yet I do nothing to change them. I'm a quitter. Thats what I am. And yet again, I do nothing to change that. Ah, the endless cycle.

I have a feeling I bit off more than I can chew for this upcoming Summer. I mean, Writing For College?! What was I thinking?! I bet if I took Writing For High School, I'd barely pass that.

By the end of the day, all I'm feeling is guilt. Especially with each passing day. A different kind of guilt then I'd expect.

I was freaking out for the Piano Certificate of Merit this morning, but now thats its over, I feel relieved but sad. The next level is gonna be even harder! I wish I could stay at this level forever. Then again, I hope not. I completely failed the sight reading. Totally flubbed really badly. And the written part.. I know I got at least 2 wrong.

Yesterday, I had a Brady Bunch scenario. "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" sorta thing. When the Brady's were thinking up of ways to raise enough money to keep their house, Jan said, "I know! What about that Singing Stars thingy! Winner gets 50,000!" or something like that. And all the Brady's ignore her. Then Marsha says, "How about the Singing Stars thingy!" and everyone goes, "What a great idea Marsha!"
Same thing happened to me. We were eating lunch, and I said something I noticed and everyone ignored me. I repeated it again, and still, no reaction. Next day, someone said the exact same thing as I did, and everyone cracked up. Laughing their butts off for what seemed like eternity. I just sat there, shocked and amazed.

Trying to get into a group of friends is hard. Getting out, is even harder. Like gangs. You have to prove yourself worthy to get in. But if you try to get out? They hunt you down. If you leave a group of friends, its like they think you've betrayed them. Back-stabbed them or something.
I don't wanna seem like a person that tails around a group of people, desperately wanting in.
It'd just be nice to be able to have a group of friends I'm immensely close with. If not, at least someone.

Having a blog is sorta like talking to myself. Like having conversations in my head where only I can hear, but instead, anyone can hear! Or.. err, see. OK maybe the conversations in my head thing is a bad analogy. Makes me sound crazy. Having two blogs makes me wonder why I don't write the same things in both. Maybe its the audience it attracts. Or maybe its the audience I don't want to attract.

I really like the idea of Lucid Dreams. Ones where you can control what happens. Dreams feel so real, that controlling them is like putting yourself in a scenario thats real. I think thats really cool, and heck, I might try that tonight. Hmm, more like this morning. Dreams amaze me. Yet they creep me out. The thought of nightmares makes me turn my head over my shoulder to check nothings behind me. Eek! Talk about paranoid.

New favorite TV show, The Human Body: Pushing The Limits.
Also recently found out I passed my CM! Thats one less thing to worry about...

Blogging kinda sorta.. magnifies emotions and feelings. Thats the case for me at least. When I think of magnify, I think of burning ants with a magnifying glass. Hahaha, thats just how cruel I am. No wait, thats just how much I hate ants.

I've been shopping for ice skating dresses online. I packed away my old dresses in my closet. They're so tiny! Lets see.. I have about 5 or 7? That should sell pretty well on eBay. If I don't plan to keep them as mementos.
My last and final test for ice skating is my Senior Moves In The Field. I've basically quit any freestyle stuff. In simpler terms, I haven't done any jumps or spins in almost half a year. The test is May 21, and theres a high possibility that after that, I'll probably never touch my skates again. Its hard to think about.
I feel like a hasbeen. I'm not sure what part of ice skating I'm gonna miss. The ice skating part, or what ice skating makes me. I feel like I've used all that time, and I have nothing to show for it.
Maybe I'll feel differently about it when I actually stop.

Wtf is up with all these skating movies now? First they show The Cutting Edge 1 and 2, 3 tonight, then Ice Castles, and now Ice Princess?! Gee, TV stations, thanks for all these constant reminders.
And all the main characters end up with happy endings. Like they win those National Gold Medals or whatever. Its like the Olympics are the biggest things in the world! Bullshit. But then again, movies never portray real life.

Hmm.. I wonder how much On Ice shows pay.. Back up job for me? :D
Ooo.. Howl's Moving Castle is gonna be on tonight. YAY!
Phew, I've been watching TV too much.

WOO! Warped Tour!! Ahhhhh.. Can't wait! The last time I went was in 2006. Ack, 3 years. Gotta change that soon. Which will definitely happen because I got tickets! Heeee. Happy :]

I had the funkiest dream. OK, maybe it wasn't that funky, but I've never had this kind of dream before. I don't usually remember dreams either, but this time I did. Maybe it was the burning sensation I 'felt' when I drank during my dream. Yeah... I was drinking AND smoking pot. Its not a good combination either.. So why would I dream that? I've been pondering on what the hidden meaning is behind this the whole day. If there is a hidden meaning, or any meaning in general. I guess dreams are a big thing with me.
I was also chased by unicorns later on. Probably a separate dream.. I hope.

Moving on.. Happy St. Patrick's Day! I almost forgot to wear green :x
Pinching hasn't been a big thing anymore. Or at least this year. But its Spirit Week! Yay?

Anyway, grr.. he was right in front of me during lunch today. I didn't say hi though. This is, what? The fifth time he's been right in front of me, and I didn't say anything. This always happens. I always look from afar, and do nothing. I get opportunities to say,"Hello." but nothing comes out of my mouth. I keep telling myself, "OK Tiffany, next time. Next time for sure." Next time comes around, and I do nothing. I'm such a baby. I keep chickening out. I guess its just not me to do anything bold. But its not like I want to do anything bold, right? I don't even know what I want from this. Its like cat and mouse. I'm trying to "kill" the mouse, but I'm not looking for the satisfaction of "eating" it.
Ahaha, that sounds so wrong.

Gah I feel like a bitch.

I'm noticing how so many of those innocent, cute, little kids I went to Elementary School with have turned bad. Including me. The whole "trying to be cool in High School" all of a sudden turns into who can be the most rebellious. And no matter who we are, we still succumb to it. Even if just a little.
One of my best friends in Kindergarten got suspended for 3 days because she was drunk at the Spring Fling. If your gonna get drunk, at least do it well concealed. Its better not to get drunk at all.

I'm noticing I'm a huge hypocrite. I'll say one thing, then do another. Or I'll say something, then say the exact opposite a couple days later. Especially with this whole drinking and smoking dilemma. Sometimes I'll scold it. Then some other times, I'll want to do it. My musical taste is almost the same. I'll sometimes say, "I hate Paramore. They're too mainstream." But then, I'll listen to Paramore.

Anyways, happy National Hug A Tennis Player Day.

We had an Easter egg hunt. First time since I was 10. Got tons of candy!

I feel like I'm watching people, one by one, getting baptized. One by one they go. People I've grown up with, taking that next step. What about me?! I feel like the ugly duckling in a batch of white swimming freely ducks. Or swans. Its like they've all somehow made it so far, and I'm left behind.

I feel like such a late bloomer. Always the shortest, slowest, and just not able to tie even with everyone. I feel like I'm always the baby of a group. The runt. Sure, it assures me a spot in the group, but when am I ever going to grow up?
*Sigh* I guess I just have to continue being the littlest.. for now. Hopefully.

Saturday was quite interesting. We went to a friend's house, and he was there. Awkward. He acts as though there's still something, when in fact, there's nothing. He acts differently towards me, and I don't like. Different, as in immature. Yet I can't get my mind off of it. But it'll go away. If not, I'll make it.
Her parents, as well as him, were gone for a good 4 hours...

Day 2 of Spring Break. Got lots done. Thats a plus. Finally ordered an ice skating dress online. Its not great, but its at a good price considering the fact that it'll be the last figure skating dress I'll ever wear. And actually skate in. 'Cause well, we all know.. I'm probably gonna be wearing my old dresses daydreaming about the good ol' days. Playing dress up. :]

Went to the museum in San Jose. And finally ate my first real In-n-Out burger. It was unbelievably good. Yumm.. My mouth waters just thinking about it. Ben & Jerry's ice cream later on. I always take so long ordering food. Especially ice cream. I don't want to have to regret the decision I make, so I try to think really hard. But, in the end.. I regret it.

Almost ate duck tongue today. That was nasty. So far, my encounters with "foreign" body parts and eating isn't so good. Chicken feet, pig feet, duck tongue, duck head, fish eyes... All make me want to turn vegetarian. Especially realizing how cruel it is to the animals. I almost turned vegetarian. But that was pretty hard, considering the fact that half the food I eat is pork or chicken. And my mommy won't let me... :[

Eh... I like meat to much. Oh wow, that sounded a bit sadistic. ;]

Only 3 more days until we all turn off our lights for one hour. At 8pm, anywhere, we turn off our lights for one hour. Cities like San Francisco, Chicago, Atlanta, Phoenix are all taking part.
If Australia could do it, so can we!

Earth Hour. It'll be great for the environment!

I know I keep complaining about how quiet I am, but with each new experience of me not being social just adds fuel to the fire. Am I like, a social retard? I don't get it. I keep telling myself that it'll pass, and I'll eventually get over it. But I'm starting to grow impatient, and I don't believe it anymore.
I think my fear of growing old, alone, bitter, with 70 cats around me might just come true. Theres probably not a big enough time span to really tell the scope of this whole "quiet" dilemma, if not, a phase. But it worries me incredibly. Also, my temper. My very short, somewhat unbearable temper. Who loves a snappy yell-y rude kid? I'm surprised my parents haven't thrown me out by now. I wouldn't blame them if they did.

Its funny how in a second, my temper can flare. But in a couple of minutes, I'll be an incredibly quiet shy kid, who watches the party from afar. Everyone laughs together, while I sit in another room, wondering what they're laughing about, wasting my time on this fucking computer, listening to music, while I debate whether or not to just call it a night.
Maybe I will just call it a night, and leave it at that.

I was out eating dinner when it turned 8. Damn, now I feel like a huge hypocrite. But once I got home, which was 8:10, I turned everything off. Or I tried.

Went to SF yesterday, and today. Shopping at Westfield yesterday, hanging around Japan town (one word?) with my cousin today. Saw Cindy today :D
That was a huge cooinky dink. Cindy and Dennis talked a lot... like OLD PEOPLE.

Seeing my 13 years older than me cousin made me pretty happy. Although, seeing everything shes going through makes me a little worried to grow up.
Hmm... I wonder if I could join Peter Pan.
School starts again soon D:

*Sigh* A little disappointed in getting into a PM class instead of an AM one. But its good I got in.. seeing as how I'm definitely not cut out for that class. I'm gonna die for sure.