foxy

Whoa. Today is Wednesday! I thought it was Thursday. Darn. I can't say, "TGIF. Thank God Its Friday!" Grrrr.

Well, we got yearbooks yesterday. Or was that the day before yesterday? Gaah I've lost track of time. They look nice. Already got some yearbook signings. It seems to me that I always write more than the other person who writes in mine does. Hmph.

Orientation is this Saturday! Ugh, how can orientation be before I even end school? I even forgot what days I go. And.. oh wait, I need books for my classes too. Whoops. I played speed today, and I blanked out for a good 5 seconds. My brain is being weird.

End of school in 9 days.
Warped Tour in 17 days.
Breaking Dawn in 59 days.

When I'm angry, its like the emotion anger is hot wired to my tear ducts. When I'm stressed, I just cry. When I feel overwhelmed, I cry. Even when I don't want to cry, I cry. I crack under pressure and stress... and I cry.
I hate crying too. But I can't stop myself once I start. Its not like I cry all the time. Just when I get incredibly frustrated from a bad day. And bad day's are a force I can't control.

After a day full of holding everything in, its hard not to let it out. So there's lots of wiping the nose, wet sleeves, and sniffing. After our english teacher assigned us the english final, (which consists of a list of 3 AP Literature prompts, and an essay of 2 days of work, which is very vague on length) everything started going downhill. My friends ditched me during lunch (which actually happens a lot these days), I didn't finish my math homework on time, I don't understand half of the things thats gonna be on the math final tomorrow, I'm behind on my French final project, and I don't understand all these -IR verbs and I won't in time for the French final, and on top of it all... well, forget it. Its too embarrassing.
I already have homework from my ATDP class. Which definitely isn't something I'm used to.

I guess I better catch up on lost time. After my too-embarrassing-to-mention moment, my mom had to pick me up. Then she wanted to get gas at Costco. She picked the wrong line full of old people who were incredibly slow. So now I'm an hour behind. Yay, thats an hour less of sleep!

I always thought the last week of school was the funnest week of school. :/
Welcome to High School.

Wow. Only 12 hours since school ended, and I'm already bored outta my mind. I keep opening new tabs with nowhere to go. And the places I do go, I've already been to ten times today. Even watching TV is boring. Well, except now. House is on :D
I'm happy with not being busy, but there's a certain point I get to where I can't not be busy. Its driving me crazy.

The last day of school wasn't actually all that great. Despite the fact that everyone is happy that theres no more school, our lives are just boring. My social life is boring. Actually, no, my life in general is boring.

Sometimes I feel like I live double lives. Like one part of me can be completely hyper, loud, and social. But the other part of me can be quiet, shy, and timid. But how I act depends on who I'm with. Its like I feed off of other people's energy. Its way weird. OMG, am I bipolar?! O_O

I can't say I'm not looking forward to summer. But I wish my summer was, I guess, better set up. It looks like it'll be a boring summer. Hopefully not. Maybe I'll make new friends. I hope I make new friends. But I have a feeling thats going to be pretty hard.

Another week until Warped Tour!

Ugh, I'm not quite sure if karma really exists or anything. Well, to be quite honest, I'm not sure if anything like destiny or fate exists either. But after Friday, I feel like I should be bracing myself for whatever life throws at me. Even though the decision I made was a stupid one, I didn't realize how bad it was until after the damage was done. It was another one of those regretful decisions.

You'd think that after two and a half years of this, I could tell myself not to do it. Yet, I keep putting myself in situations where refusing would be incredibly loserish. The people I hang out with just seem to attract this kind of behavior. And I would be lying if I said I enjoyed hanging out with them. I just put up with it because I'm trying really hard to put myself out in the open, and become social. Sometimes I wish I could change High School's, and start all over again.

Hmm, maybe sometimes what goes around really doesn't come back around. Maybe nothing bad will happen to me after all. But then again, its only been a day.

My PM class hasn't even started yet, and my palms are already clammy from sweat, and my heartbeat is through the roof. I.Can't.Speak.Well.In.Front.Of.A.Crowd. Even in TIC last year when I presented websites, I had exactly what I wanted to say in my head. Perfectly planned out. But when I got up there, I froze. I forgot what I was going to say, and I didn't present well. I was just thinking Don't mess up, don't mess up. Get out of there as fast as you can.

I never liked first days. I actually went crazy last night trying to figure out what to wear. Which shouldn't necessarily be a priority. But I want to dress to impress, but not look like I'm trying too hard. Ugh, the mind of a girl.

Luckily, I'm meeting up with some friends before. And they're actually nice enough to wait for me until I'm done with my class! That's definitely something I'm not used to.

Wish me luck!

♥ :]

Why do I write in a notebook? Why do I even bother carrying one? Why do I write in a Diary? Well, I think I've finally found the answer. We read "On Keeping a Notebook" by Joan Didion, and I could relate to it so much. Tim Wolcott (our teacher for my writing for college class) called it a hyperlink. Quotes, experiences, words all trigger some sort of memory. You click on it, and it leads you to a totally different world.

I read my Diary entry for June 18, 2007. That was the first day of TIC last year. Its amazing reading something that happened a year ago. Though there are embarrassing parts jammed in there, its nice knowing that this person writing it was me. And that person is still part of me in some ways. I can compare the writing I did last night, to the writing I did a year ago, and marvel at the difference in handwriting. The wording, the strokes of letters, and the experiences are different, but I can still feel a little bit of similarity in them. Though, I have to admit, the maturity level is completely different.
I record embarrassing moments, and ecstatic moments. Moments that made me feel sad, moments that made me happy. And even though I prefer reading the happy moments, I like reading the embarrassing and sad ones. Because the past never really is the past. Its never gone for good.

Maybe because I analyze every experience to its core, I record them. I learn from them, and I don't want to forget them, whether they be good or bad. I smile when I read moments where I was acting silly, and I laugh inside when I read funny ones. Its also like stepping into a time machine. I can dive into that specific time and place, and relive it. But of course, I only do this for the good moments. The fact that no one reads it makes me feel so much better. I can record thoughts and feelings, and not be judged. Whereas in this world, I constantly feel judged and never good enough.

TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL WARPED TOUR!
Let's hope I don't die in a mosh pit, or get lost in SF.

When I watch Japanese anime's, I'm amazed at their numerous and confusing plots. Especially the ones surrounding relationships and the opposite sex. Actually, the only anime's I watch are all about the opposite sex. So no wonder. Anyways, I know that anime's aren't things that actually happen in real life (rarely, if it ever does) but I'm taken back by how loosely they use the words "I love you." A girl likes a guy. She doesn't know him, but she likes him from stalking him. Then one day, she goes up to him and tells him, "I love you". Is it just me, or is that a little too much?

This just confuses me a lot. Ever since sixth grade, I've wondered what the hell is love? When do you know when to confess to someone you love them? What kind of feelings does it take for you to be assured? If you love someone, is it an obvious feeling? I'm not taking about motherly love. Something like husband and wife love. *Sigh* Maybe I am too young to understand.

I know I'm like, ten light-years away from ever reaching this level of "maturity" or whatever, but I gotta admit, I feel like I'm too mature for my age. Which can be a good thing, and bad. Good because it makes me liked by adults i.e. parents' friends. Bad because it means where do I fit into in High School?

Sometimes I wish I was more immature. Just sometimes.

Wow, I can't believe my last entry wasn't about Warped Tour! Sheesh. I should've known better.

So, when I left Berkeley on Friday, I wasn't really happy to be honest. I didn't want to go to Warped Tour, and I didn't want to ditch our Youth Group that was going to Marine World that same day. But I already payed for my ticket. I should've scalped them, but I didn't want to bother with that. So I basically forced myself to go. I was excited the days before Friday, but for some reason I just wasn't on that particular day.
When all four of us, including me, met up at BART, I'm pretty sure we were all sort of dreading it. Except maybe one of us. When we got to Embarcadero, we had to take Muni. And since I was the only one who has ever taken Muni before, everyone was scared I would get them lost. (Good thing I didn't.)
We just went to this random stage, waiting for Jefree Star, and a band called 3OH!3 started playing. They were the most adorablest guys ever! Dancing and stuff. It was cuttteeee. However, it turned out we were at the wrong stage. So by the time we actually GOT to the stage Jefree Star was preforming on, there was a huge crowd. But we pushed our way to the front, and I even touched... her/him.
Then we listened to Katy Perry, and ran to watch The Academy Is... We got to the front and I ALMOST touched William Beckett! Gosh.. he is so cute. We made eye contact. Even though I was crushed to death, and even though my shoulder is bruised from this bastard old guy's elbow who was protecting his wife or daughter, William Beckett is worth it.
Then we went to watch the Gym Class Hero's in their little acoustic thing. That was pretty cool. We wanted to stay for Cobra Starship, but they played too late for us to bear. However, we watched Reel Big Fish, and I did some serious skanking.

Warped Tour prices are ridiculous. Four dollars for a power drink?!
I have a ton of free CDs and a Warped Tour t-shirt. But I have to admit, I'm happy I went.

I want one. I want a WALL•E and an Eve! Together forever. I think if WALL•E or Eve were made into some sort of action figure, or plushie, I'd definitely buy it. During the movie, I couldn't stop "awwww"ing and laughing the whole time. And I wanted to cry during certain scenes. Luckily, those scenes were ended by something funny. So no crying. Which is good.
I find it funny how I can't go two weeks without crying or almost crying. Its like something just triggers in my brain, and I cry. It could be for a totally dumb reason. Like for instance, I just got back from watching WALL•E half an hour ago. And already, in that half hour, I've thrown this incredibly immature tantrum. Well, more like I hyperventilated.

Before jumping to conclusions, lemme explain myself. My room is my sanctuary. Its where I can totally and completely express myself. Its where I dress myself in the morning, where I read, where I pray, and where I socialize the most (out of the times I actually DO socialize). My room is where I can be myself. I can make things messy and cluttery, but I'd know where everything is. But my mom decided to "clean my room" today. So when I got home, it felt like foreign land. Like it wasn't even my room. Things that were of the utmost value to me meant nothing to my mom, so she threw them away. One thing in particular meant so much to me that I started frantically turning notebooks and books over and tossing random things just so I could find it. And alas, I found it in the trashcan. Crisis avoided.

I don't like acting like a little kid throwing a tantrum, but sometimes I can't help it. I act irrational and the little kid in me just hops out. I also don't like yelling at my mom, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. I love her a lot, but sometimes she's just unbearable. Same with my dad. Actually, no. To be honest, I'm scared of him. Especially when he's stressed or mad. But I love him, too.
I see a lot of kids these days treating their parents better than I treat mine. And all this time, I thought it was normal for teenagers to yell at their parents. Like it was a phase or something. Crap, am I the only teenager on this planet that treats their parents like shit? Well, I don't treat them like complete shit, but I know I don't treat them with a lot of respect. Funny thing is, I realize this, yet every encounter I have with them, I treat them no better.

What do I do?!

Since I've been going to Berkeley almost everyday of the week, and staying out late, my parents think I have a boyfriend. Or that it has something to do with a guy. I think its hilarious and funny. And oddly ironic. Whenever they pick me up from the BART station, they interrogate me. Which is annoying, but amusing.

Me?! Have a boyfriend?! Hah. That in itself is hilarious.