foxy

Its July already! It felt like just a few weeks ago, it was July of last year. Boy does time fly.

So my dad just came back from getting my skates sharpened. And you know how parents like to talk about how they ran into someone they know. Sorta like "You won't believe who I ran into today!" Thats what happened. Supposedly he ran into a former synchronized skating teammate's mom. He started talking about how Casey (the teammate) and about everyone else joined the Tremors in San Fransisco after Berkeley Iceland closed.
I've been missing synchronized ice skating. Its sort of painful seeing other people enjoy synchronized ice skating, while I'm too scared to ask my dad if I could join. Knowing Julia and Sydney from TIC doesn't exactly help the situation either. I don't know whats stopping me from joining. Maybe fear of not being accepted or not making the team; even though I know the coach pretty well.

Anyways, I recently bought a camera. A red Casio EX-S880. I'm not looking for anything fancy. Just something I can take pictures with. Obviously not of me, but of scenic things and memories. It also has a YouTube feature xD

Yay, its July 4! Independence Day. Not much to be excited about, except the carnival down the street with 10 different booths of food. And the reggae music and hippies dancing to the music on the grass. This happens every year.

I have too many plans. Too many things I want to do tomorrow. How can I fit it all in so that I can please everyone? I just want people to have a nice Independence Day. Times are scattered, overlapping one another, and I can't possibly do it all in one day. Certain friends want me to do this, another group wants me to do that.. I know I'm not being forced to do it, but I hate disappointing people.

I thought I knew what I wanted. But now.. WHAT DO I WANT?! I'm confused. I thought I had it all figured out. That I knew exactly what I wanted. But it changed so fast. I hate not being sure of myself. Why do things happen the way they happen? I'm stuck in a rut; a dilemma I can't force my way out of without hurting someone. Its like I set myself up for these things to happen. And in the end, I'm not only hurting myself, but other people as well. I watch myself do the things I do, and I can't stop it.
GAH! I'm too young for this ;_;
My poor naive mind.

New web design coming up soon because this one sucks.

I just love the afternoon. Just before the sun sets and the moon shines through. Its so peaceful and pretty. But the sun goes away faster than it should, and night hits the Earth too soon for me to take it in. So I only get a smidgen of time to bask in the bright sun. Actually, the sun is covered in fog and haze.. so there's not much to take in but the golden glow that the sun casts.
If I were to pick between sunrise and sunset, I'd obviously pick the sunset. There's no doubt about it.

I'm disappointed in the weather. I was hoping for more sunshine than clouds. Hopefully, luckily, it gets hotter during the week. I'm tired of wearing pants!
Err... that sounds a little weird.

For some reason, summer always brings out the immature side of me. I have no idea why. During the school year, I'm not loud and I'm not very social. I'm quiet, meek, and shy. Its almost like everything that is piled onto my shoulders gets taken off during summer, and I can be free.
I've said before that I wish I was more immature. However, there's always an invisible line that shouldn't be crossed. And I think I've crossed it. I am being more immature. So immature, that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I was at tennis practice just a couple of hours ago. And yes, I still suck at tennis. However, the kids that I practice with are all boys. Around twelve or thirteen. They know that I'm horrible, and that they're better. And they rub it in my face. They're also convinced that I'm a boy. Whenever I miss the ball (which happens a lot) they insult me. They curse like sailors and they like to stick up the middle finger a lot. Just extremely immature. It takes all my strength to resist hitting them with my tennis racket. And I'm not great with comebacks, so I have to just stand there and take it. There's nothing I can do about it, and thats what frustrates me the most. I just really hope they learn to respect girls soon.

What really irks me is that everyone has different times they hit maturity. And its just hard to accommodate their actions. I know I'm not completely mature myself.. but I'm still a kid. Being immature is fun, I have to admit. But its definitely something I don't want sticking around for too long.

I'll finish up on that new web design... eventually.

Ahaha. I wish someone would've listened to "Hey There Delilah" while I was in New York. You know.. I think it's every girls dream to be gone somewhere and have some person pine for them. Besides, that song is so sweet.

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

I know I'm not wrong when I say that everyone wants to have someone some day. Or maybe thats just me. *sigh* I can't help it. I'm a hopeless romantic. But by being one, I expect too much. So I know I'll end up being disappointed one day. Curse Disney and their "Happily Ever After" slogan. Grrr.. >:[

As the last few weeks of summer dwindle down, I'm starting to notice that I'm burying myself in my troubles and problems. The carefree summer mood is gone, and I can just feel the dread of school washing over me. The conversations of summer are replaced with conversations of school, and its horrible knowing that everything that has to do with summer disappears when school appears, and I'll have to wait another year to experience it again. Its like an ongoing relationship. Summer gives me the happiest times of my life, but then it leaves me for a year, and I have to wait for it to come back. And at the moment, I'm starting to feel like summer is breaking up with me, and I'm the clingy refusing-to-let-go girlfriend. I don't want summer to go.
I can't bear to wait another year...

I'm also afraid that Summer '09 is gonna suck.

I deeply regret not staying in Tolman the whole day. I know I probably should've.. It would've been better that way. I wouldn't have a sunburn, and I wouldn't be as exhausted as I am now. It also would've been a nice way to relive last year.. since I miss it so much.
Actually, there's a lot of things I regret today. Lots of missed opportunities to spend with people. As I was eating dinner, I kept on trying to soak in everything that was going on. Everyone's voices and laughter just made me realize how long I have to wait for next year's summer. I know we'll all still see each other over breaks during school.. but its never the same. Everything changes.

So I couldn't help but cry when everyone was boarding their train.

Farewell ATDP '08. Even though you didn't meet your crazy and insane expectations, I'll still miss you. I'm not disappointed, nor am I overly sad that we're over. I'll never forget what we've been through together, and even though I acted ungrateful towards you, I'll never regret you. I'll regret some actions I did, but never you. Its not the right thing to do to compare you to ATDP '07, but if I did, ATDP '07 would win. But thats not because you weren't great, but because ATDP '07 is never gonna be topped.

I definitely won't miss all the homework, but I'll definitely miss going to Berkeley. Even though you didn't give me what I hoped for, what I dreamed for, what I longed for, what I wanted most out of you, I'll never forget you.
We had a good run. I'll miss you.

As I lay my head peacefully on my desk, I think over the stupid things I've done. All of which surround boys. This just reminds me how much of a hassle the opposite sex can be. Rewarding at times... But not worth it. Being a girl who relies on feelings, emotions, instinct and being alone a lot, I don't think I have enough strength to overcome the obstacles that are associated with boys. Boys create more trouble then necessary, and as of now, they shouldn't be a priority in my life.

However, I know I'll totally be like "forget it" when some guy pops up. I'm inevitably hooked on guys. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull away from them. This makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to stay faithful to one certain person. But then again, marriage is a long time from now. Who knows what might happen between now and then.

Boys leave me confused and frustrated. Then again, so do regular everyday people.

In a vast world of friendships, why do I feel like I have none? Why am I so anti-social? Why can't teenagers just grow up?!
School is going to be horrible. As I sit at home, bored throughout the day, the friends I once knew so well have changed over the summer. They've been changing.. all throughout Freshman year. Unfortunately, I'm unable to accommodate their changes. So where does that leave me? While they're all hanging out at the park during the day, I'm stuck at home, knowing they're all hanging out... knowing no one bothers to think about inviting me. What gets me confused is that we all used to be so close. I knew each and every one of them before they all knew each other. Yet, I'm the one thats drifting apart.

10th grade hasn't even started yet, but I can already feel the dread of it. The lonely nights, turning off the computer early so I don't feel like more of a loser who has AIM open but not talking to anyone, not being able to sleep, cramming, taking a gazillion minutes finding out what to wear, but in the end saying "screw it" because there's no one to impress, and taking that 20 minute lonely walk to school, in which I try to suppress the urge to run into the street and potentially get hit by an oncoming car. I really hate High School. No, scratch that. I really hate High School when you have no friends to rely on.
I can just imagine myself sitting alone at lunch, wondering what life would be like if my former friends didn't abandon me.

Why can't my two best friends in the world go to my school? Life as a teenage girl is hard without friends to rely on during school hours. I need someone to talk to during school... someone close. Hikari goes to Head Royce. Cari goes to Middle College. However, the thing is... sometimes I even isolate myself from them, too. When we IM each other, I can't help but give half-assed answers. Maybe I really am a loner. And to be honest, that realization scares me. I fear being alone.. but sometimes being alone is nice. Sometimes I need to be alone. Other times, I need to be surrounded by people.
It doesn't make much sense to me either...

There are a lot of topics I'd like to brush through with this weblog. But I can never find the time, nor the determination for it. This entry in itself took more than an hour thanks to my typing, erasing, typing, reading, erasing, typing, reading, clicking, erasing pattern. If only I could blog in a more fluid motion.