foxy

August... The transition from July to August isn't easy. I miss July already. July holds a lot of memories and meaning to me. Actually, so does August. Which is whats making me hate this so much. Its also making me pretty hysterical.

Freshman year around November and December was the most horrible time in my life. Actually, no. Freshman year in general sucked. I'd wake up in the morning, and feel.. well, sad. I thought that feeling went away, but it hasn't. Its come back. Waking up feeling empty... I absolutely detest this feeling. But its not something I can easily control.

Yeah, yeah. Here we go again with the sad entries. I want to get it all out on one post.. but this isn't a one time thing! This takes time... even though its already been a long time, I still need more.
It doesn't help to think back on certain memories. I don't understand how something that once made me so happy has suddenly made me so depressed. It's turned my world upside down. I can't even look back and smile. All I can do is look back and frown, saying, "Why can't that happen again?"
But times have changed. I need to suck it up, and get over it. Its the past, and it won't happen again. As much as I want to reminisce, I can't. As much as I want to relive it, I can't. No matter how much I pine for you, I'll never have you. No matter how much I think of you, I'll never have you. You'll never come back, and thats a fact I need to understand.

Not that long of a post, but this is probably the most information I've ever poured out. As much as I fear what kind of outcome this will provide, I just can't bottle it up anymore. I hate being a "confusing girl", but with feelings and emotions pulling me this way or that, I can't help it. With my head and my heart telling me two different things, even I'm left confused.

For now, I think a lot of my blog posts are gonna be about gushy lovey dovey relationshipy crap. My ongoing process. So please feel free to tune out if you're going to make comments like "suck it up" or "stop whining".. because thats what I keep telling myself.

Days seem longer than they really are. I've made little progress, and the progress I do make goes to waste. I start to develop a heart of stone, but then one little memory, one little thought, sets me back a million steps, and I have to start all over again. I don't think I've experienced anything like this. But thats all this is.. another experience. Another lesson I have to learn.
The biggest thing thats getting to me is the fact that I still have hope, which is absurd. Absolutely, completely, outrageously, insane and crazy. Why do I feel like I still have a chance? That I'm a contender?
My self-esteem is just about shot right now. Its definitely time to pick up the pieces and move on. But this mess isn't gonna be easy to clean.. I just hope we stay on good terms.

Is it really August 6th!? Already?! Unbelievable. Its funny how our perspective of time is affected by experiences we encounter. Time flies when you don't want it to, yet it slows down when you're waiting, expecting something. Time is a cruel, sick bastard, toying with our patience.
When you want days, hours, minutes, to go faster, they only seem to slow down. Yet when you're living in the moment, loving life, time speeds on by. Hours seem like minutes, and its over before you know it.

For some reason, all my happy "savor the moment" memories feel like dreams. Moments when I savor sight, smell, sounds, taste, or touch.. (i.e. your eyes, your scent, the sound of your voice, the feel of your embrace) all feel imaginary. Its like remembering a scene in a movie, or like picturing something wonderful happening to someone else. Maybe its just hard for me to believe that happy things can actually happen to me. I don't know anymore. Honestly, I can think of hundreds of memories that I was truly happy in. But remembering them only feels like remembering a dream, or a daydream. Its hard to grasp.. that that vague yet fresh memory actually happened... to me!! But sometimes, even my memories seem more fake than dreams.

Passionately loving and passionately hating. I can't to tell the difference anymore.

As I try to amend one problem, I add fuel to another.

What's a girl to do?

How long has it been? I mean, how long has it really been? I feel like my sense of time has gone out the window, along with my sleeping pattern.
Maybe it really won't get better in time. Problems just don't patch themselves up. It requires communication, and trust. Both of which I'm horrified to do. I don't think I'm strong enough to communicate, nor am I brave enough to trust. But what am I suppose to do? Sit back, relax, and watch things go horribly wrong? No. I need to take this problem by the reins, and steer it in the right direction. However... I'm too scared. I don't like initiating things, whether they be conversations or ideas, which is definitely something I need to grow out of.

There's definitely some unfinished business I need to take care of. Its just... There are so many different and possible intentions put out there, that I don't know which one is the right one. I feel like I'm shooting blind here! But then again.. I'm over thinking this. Just like I always do.

School's starting soon. How can I possibly show my face in front of my peers when my emotions are clearly written all over me? I need to get a grip. I refuse to cry again during school hours.

I think I'm so emotionally attached, so emotionally aware of myself, that my emotions are what control me. Not my mind, not my instinct, but my emotions. I wonder what life would be like for me if for just one day, I was emotionally numb. Sure, I would no longer be considered "human", but at least I could make rational, well thought out decisions, instead of my normal spontaneous irrational ones. Would my life be easier? Or just plain harder?

When we first planned our trip to Texas, I was a bit hesitant, given the date. But I'm glad I went. Well, I haven't left yet (thats tomorrow morning), but I'm glad I got outta California. A little time away was just what I needed. Sure, sure, being online is just the same as being back at home. But its different. There's a distance I don't feel when I'm in my own room. When I'm out here, out of state, there's this invisible wall that definitely makes me more confident. Either that, or I'm mistaking my confidence for vulnerability. Well, whatever it is, it's definitely helped me. Past, present, and hopefully future.

There's been so much missing in my life, that I feel like I've developed my own immune system for it. So much lack of, loss of, regret of, that I've just.. I don't even know when I miss something or someone anymore. I can't seem to differentiate or categorize the feelings I feel either! Its leaving me totally confused.

Speaking of confusion, my taste in clothes, in fashion, in my outward appearance, has drastically changed its course. I used to love the whole Abercrombie/Hollister look when I was in 7th grade. Then 8th grade to Freshman year, I've always hated it. The whole moral of the thing, of not going in. I was too stubborn to just admit to the fact that yes, they did make nice clothes. And when I say "I hated it" I mean I really hated it. But, here I am again, with Abercrombie clothes sitting in a bag in the corner of the room. I regret buying it, and I regret ever walking into the damn store. (And dammit, yes. I feel the burden of assisting child labor) My peers are the biggest influence in my life. My perspective, morals, and goals in life are constantly changing thanks to the influx of new people I meet and hang out with. I guess I just want so badly to fit in, that I'm willing to change everything about me to be liked. For once, I just wish I knew what I wanted.

Huh, for some reason I can't remember what my orientation was like last year. Orientation goes by like a blur. It doesn't really stick out in my mind. A memory not worth remembering. And that certainly applied to this year's orientation.
I see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while, and the greetings are always happy. But after a while, it gets dull. And then there are those people who don't even bother saying hi to you. But what can you do? That's how things are gonna be like once school starts.

I'm definitely not excited for school to start. First days, as I've said in previous entries, are always horrendous for me. Its funny how High School has totally changed my perspective on school. On a lot of things, actually. High School has left me bitter, with little hope for the future. Why isn't High School being fun? I keep on hearing everyone say, "Oh High School years were the best years of my life!"
I don't believe it. I don't want to give up on High School, but I don't feel like I have any other choice.

We got STAR test results back... Excellent in English. Fail in Math.

I don't want school to start tomorrow so badly that I've procrastinated everything. I have no idea what I'm gonna wear (although.. I don't really care anymore. No point in wasting effort.), and I haven't even organized my backpack. Didn't even go back-to-school shopping. *sigh* It seems like there's been a lot changing this year.
If you don't expect anything, then you'll never be disappointed. Its something I've definitely grasped through my 14-soon-to-be-15 years of life. Yet, I still find myself slipping up sometimes. Maybe its human nature to expect something. Huh..

I'm simply not done with summer. Ok, maybe that's a lie. I just don't want school to start. Its not so much the academics that scare me, but the people. High School kids are vicious! Everyone scopes out the competition and sizes everyone up. But this all happens mostly on the first day.
Oh God.. I'm terrified of tomorrow. I'm just a little fish, a bottom-feeder, trying to get by. I sure hope no one mistakes me for a freshman...

I survived the first week of school! Thank God! I thought it'd never end. Well, there's Labor Day weekend to look forward to. So that's something positive :D
Aha.. optimism! That's quite a change. Not gonna last long though.

Homework load has been hard to manage. I don't think I've ever had this much! Plus, its hard, so it takes double the time. First day actually wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe I got lucky this year. Who knows... All I know is that the future looks grim.

Its only been the first week of school, and I have a crush (Yes, I'd call having a crush "grim".) It definitely took me by surprise! Especially considering the fact that I've liked him before, but then I stopped. But when I stopped, he asked me out. So, by now.. you'd think I have some sort of chance, right? Nooo.. its been almost two years since that whole ordeal happened. Plus, when he entered High School, he was instantly popular. Now I definitely don't have a chance. Whatever, I'll probably get over it. I just keep thinking.. What if I became good friends with him. Would that help my chances?
Which brings me to my next thought...
Girls asking guys out isn't uncommon anymore, is it? Girls confessing that they like a guy to their face isn't uncommon either, is it? I guess I'm just so used to the guy doing all the initiating, that the thought of it going the other way around is just weird.

Freshmen Friday was today. What's the point of clowning freshmen if they enjoy it? There seems to be a lot of freshmen girls that enjoy the clowning. Like it instantly makes them popular. Ugh.. I hope they got egged. Just so they'd know what it feels like >:[

Some people can welcome freshmen with open arms. Mingle amongst them, and make new friends. Some people have no problem with them, and avoid them. Then there are the people who hate freshmen. The thought of new meat walking into their territory is disgusting. But what about the people who feel all three? On the first day, I was person number 1. By day two and three, I was person number 2. By Freshmen Friday, I was person number 3. It'll be interesting to see what will happen on Tuesday, let alone the rest of the school year.