foxy

..out of mind.

Man, if only that were true.

Busy busy busy!! Then again, there's nothing wrong with being busy. It keeps my mind off of things.. Like thinking about my dreams, and wishing they were real.

The first day of tennis tryouts were yesterday. I did waaaayyy better than I did last year, that's for sure. However, we've got some new meat, and they're sure to surpass me.
Debate is going very well. I still suck at it, but we've got a bunch of potentially-good-kick-ass kids on our team now. Which is good! We need some kick-ass kids.. especially after our captain left to go to YALE >:[ Sheesh.
Got my first test tomorrow on Pre-Cal stuff. It doesn't help that the teacher that teaches us is crap. She has a Polish accent, and says "Be in your notes" and "Oh baby!" Its actually very amusing... But not very efficient when you're trying to learn.

Ugh.. I'm noticing myself getting more and more desperate. During lunch, I can't help but glance over, hoping that he's looking my way. Not only him, but someone. Anyone. I keep wishing someone would notice me. But its understandable.. with it being only the second week and all that..
I guess I'm just tired of being by myself. Oh no.. am I becoming an angsty and bitter single High School girl looking desperately for a relationship? I've just never considered myself to be angry at being single. I embrace being single! But why now am I looking for something more? I'm dependent on my friends to keep me from chasing after boys. I dunno, maybe I need excitement in my life.. or maybe its just seeing everyone hook-up that's making me want to, too.
Whatever. Let the chips fall where they may.

Oh yeah, now I remember why I never go to the football games. Its also the same reason why I hate High School so much!! Well duh.. football games are the epitome of your stereotypical High School experience. I should've realized this last year. I guess my mind was focused on something else last year. Then again, its occupying my mind this year too.

High School brings out the worst in me. My ugly side. Envy, jealousy, hatred, sadness, despair.. All of which are felt during my days in school. But even more so during football games. There's no academic boundary, no academic atmosphere. No worries about the test in the next class, or getting yelled at by a teacher for inappropriate behavior. Football games are like one big party. At least for ECHS. There's mingling, socializing, and ditching. But for me, its staring from afar, glaring at the girl holding the other side of the conversation, noticing how close they're standing together, wishing it was me. So we lost 9-12, but I could care less. I only watched the game intently for 20 minutes. The rest was spread out on everything but the game.

I totally screwed up my math test today. But tennis, on the other hand, was good. Coach wants to put me as #1 doubles. Waayyy better than last year, that's for sure. At least I know I'm not sucking at tennis, but improving.

Wow. Everything is so pretty, and clean, and white, and NEW! Well duh, it IS new. I'm just scared to botch it up with my disgusting hands. Ew.
To be honest, this is all extremely confusing. I'm still trying to figure some things out, but hopefully it'll all just come together. I just need to get used to this.

School work has been hectic. Nothing I can't handle, though. I just wish I could go to sleep earlier, procrastinate less. I want to sleep earlier because I need to grow taller! Sleeping earlier makes you grow taller? I'm not sure if its true or not, but I'll believe it because it gives me a little bit of hope. Hope that I won't forever be just barely 5 ft. I imagine myself in two years, having a growth spurt. Tall, young, and mature. Ready to take on the world. Ready to take on college. But I know that won't be the case. I'll still be the awkward and short little girl I am today. Maybe if I don't expect to to grow tall, I won't be disappointed.

I've decided I no longer want to be a bitter teenager. I don't want to blog about stupid sadness, or being hurt. I want to blog about funny experiences and once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Maybe a couple of sad entries pop up here or there, but no longer will they be at a constant flow. I want to be happy with my life :)

For the past two days, I've ditched tennis practice. Heh. It probably isn't very good considering the fact that I need the practice. Its just the weather has been glum. Glum enough to make me lazy, sleepy, lethargic, and dead. Then again, that could just be me not getting enough sleep. Either way, I haven't found that energy I need to run around on the court, hit 6-8 balls, then run around to pick up 10, then get back in line just to be the next one up.

I actually plan on ditching debate class Friday because every Friday, someone's mom comes in and lectur- I mean teaches us Extemporaneous Speaking. I mean sure, it sounds alright. But juggling Extemp. with LD debate? Nuh uh. Not gonna work. Especially since the new resolution came out a while ago. I need to get my cases done soon. And soon should be sooner, because my case writing sucks.

Ditching my standards for High School guys seems like a good idea. Currently, my standards are sort of unachievable by the boys I know at my school. Or maybe it is achievable. I just haven't met him yet. Anyway, how am I going to be able to find an A or B average not too tall caucasian athletic guy who's decently good looking and/or adorable, sincere, happy, and ...? But that wouldn't be the only obstacle. Even if I did find him somewhere, I wouldn't have the guts to do anything about it.
But hey, dating in High School is all about fun. No long commitments (unless the circumstance calls for it...) and no serious possessive stuff. Besides, how do I know what I want yet? I don't. So my stupid standard is just plain stupid.
Simple chemistry and letting the chips fall where they may. That seems reasonable. I just hope I can stick to that.

Ahaha.. all this talk about LD debate, standards, and achieving just makes the debate nerd in me laugh.

Funny how the French adopted the English wording for "weekend". Or maybe I'm just totally wrong. I've been doing that a lot these days... Being wrong, I mean.

I sorta wish my weekend was better set up. But, assuming I live the lifespan of an average human being, I've still got a lot of birthday's to go. So I don't find it necessary to make every single birthday a huge deal. Sure, you only turn 15 once in a lifetime. But so what? I've already missed out on a bunch of once in a lifetime chances, so why not add more to the list?

Last year's birthday wasn't so wonderful. So I'm not expecting anything big for this years. I'm no longer gonna depend on other people to bring me happiness. Not only do they have the power to bring it, they also have the power to take it away. Just the thought of someone having that much power over me... No way. I'm not the kind of person who goes down without a fight. So I don't plan on relying on people to make my birthday worthwhile. I'll self indulge myself. Sort of like sending yourself a box of chocolates or flowers for Valentine's Day. Except... I wouldn't do that.
Not saying I wouldn't like company. I'd love it! I'm just not gonna expect so much outta people. Well anyway, birthday's aren't such a big deal. I'm content enough to not want presents or anything fancy. But I like hugs :]

I can't believe I'm missing Solano Stroll to go play laser tag...

Officially fifteen! I wonder if there's a catchy phrase that's like "Sweet Sixteen". How about "Fierce Fifteen"? Nah.. thats just lame. Sorta like how people with yellow hair are called blonds, people with brown hair are called brunettes, and people with red hair are called red-heads. What about people with black hair?!

Since I'm "that" kind of person, I'll start off with the bad, and end with the good. Or in this case, my definition of bad and good. Out of all the "Happy Birthday"s I got, (Which I very much appreciated by the way. Thanks :]) not one of them was from my "group of friends". The ones I hang around with during school/ lunch. It just really peeves me. But thats just me... always finding fault in something.

But overall, a very good birthday. Went to church for the morning, then laser tag. Yay for shooting little annoying kids! But I got shot a lot, as well as accidentally shooting my team members a few times. Ahaha.. A little too trigger-happy today.
Dinner was a buffet. Haha.. not particularly a huge fan of buffets, but once in a while isn't so bad. A lot of people wished me a happy birthday, which is always very pleasant. Sort of warms the heart :] Sometimes I forgot my birthday was today. And sometimes I thought about it too much, that it made me realize, "Wow, I'm really fifteen."
Its actually hard to believe that just yesterday, I was a measly fourteen year old. But now I'm fifteen! It feels so right to say it. "I'm fifteen." Last year, turning fourteen felt.. out of place. Transitioning from thirteen to fourteen was awkward. I wasn't ready to move onto fourteen. I liked being thirteen. But now, I'm fifteen, and it feels right saying it.
Thirteen was a good age for me. Fourteen was a stupid and weird age. Hopefully, fifteen will be another good age. I've learned so much from the year between fourteen and fifteen. I've also noticed how fast a year truly is.

Even if I didn't get any cake, I don't mind. I'm just happy knowing some people remembered it was my birthday. That means they thought of me at least once today. And that's pretty darn cool.

I'm probably the most stereotypical teenager. Ever. I throw tantrums, cry out of nowhere, punch walls, slam doors, and yell at my parents. And do I like doing it? No. But I just can't seem to keep my fury under my belt.
I try assuring myself that it'll go away once my teen years go by. But a part of me believes that maybe I'll grow up to be an adult that does the exact same things. It scares me so much. But I don't think there's anything I can do!

Today started out horribly. It all went in a downhill spiral from the first two hours.
I found out the guy/s that I liked isn't/aren't worth it. So I just went from searching/pursuing to I-have-absolutely-no-idea/single-and-staying-that-way-for-a-while.
I discover that I'm failing math. Not failing with an "F" as a grade, but potentially being one of the worst kids in the class. My homework's shit, and I half-assed everything. With the test coming up soon, I might just get an F for a grade.
School ended, and I had to decide if I wanted to go to tennis or not. Good side of going to tennis was that it would be a good way for me to distract myself. Bad side of going was that I had a ton of homework, which I still haven't done. Another stupid decision.
In the end, I had to walk back home. Miscommunication on my mom's part. I was pissed when I arrived home finding her and my dad there, perfectly able to pick me up. That ended with a very angry and sad teenager, and a tearful and awkward dinner.

I'm a stereotypical teenager. A weak one at that. I can't handle a lot on my plate, yet I add more to it. I think there's something wrong with me.
What a great first full day of being fifteen. I hope this isn't a sign...

I'm searching for something good to say about the day, but nothing comes to mind. Well, there goes my attempt at trying to be optimistic.

We had another test in math today. Do I think I aced it? Hell no. We didn't learn any of the material, and the materials I did study/cram last night were barely of any use. The homework that was assigned did nothing to prepare us. We didn't even get a study sheet for crying out loud! However, my last math test was a 92. Yeah.. I don't even know how I got a score that high...
I don't even know why I'm taking pre-calculus! I don't even plan on taking calculus. Maybe statistics, but not calculus. Ugh.. damn 3 or 4 year requirements.

I actually went to tennis practice today! And was it worth it? Well, I played a doubles match that made me incredibly frustrated. Poor sportsmanship really pisses me off. "In your face!" is just over-the-top ridiculous. The match made me rush back home for piano lessons. Then after piano lessons, I had to go to worship practice. That was probably the highlight of my day: worship practice.

I've got another ice skating test coming up on.. Tuesday is it? The hell if I know. I just wanna pass already! This would be my third time trying to pass my Senior moves-in-the-field. Dammit, I'm just tired of it now. My main problem with a lot of things is consistency. That's one of the reasons why I could never win any ice skating competitions. My jumps would never land. The same with tennis. My strokes (ice skating strokes and tennis strokes) have a mind of their own. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad.
Sometimes even my thoughts are inconsistent. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does.

Woooo.. totally cliché, but that's what I did today. And yeah, it actually rained today! It was only for four minutes, but it was amazing. The rain just reminds me that summer is officially coming to an end. No more basking in the warm sun, feeling the warm wind whip around me. No more humidity to hug me, and no more sounds of outdoor sports. But with all that gone, comes new things. More rain, more warm fuzzy clothes, more hot chocolate! More snuggling into my bed sheets and, of course, more dancing in the rain!!

So I've finally made the transition from Group A --> Group B. Of course, it was never that simple. First, I had to find a Group B. Which, surprisingly, wasn't that hard. Then I had to deviate from Group A, which also, surprisingly, wasn't that hard. I figured I could never make the switch because last year, I was a Freshman. And being a Freshman, I was too vulnerable to switch groups. Freshmen need to stick together. But now, being a Sophomore, I can migrate from person to person.
I've learned to be content with my "social status" in High School. Or if I'm even included on that imaginary chart... Whatever, it doesn't matter. It should be irrelevant to my High School experience. No more worrying about High School hierarchy.
Socially, I'm content. And I really hope it stays that way.

As I was playing dodgeball with a bunch of little kids, I noticed how our athletic abilities are just about the same. My athletic ability (or nonexistent one for that matter) isn't what it used to be. Through elementary school, I used to play games with the boys. Wall-ball, four square, elimination, baseball, soccer, basketball, tetherball... All were games I used to play, and I was good at it. But now, I suck. What happened?!

I no longer excel in sports. Soon, I'll no longer be defined by my ice skating; something that I've relied on for the past 11 years. Ice skating, along with ballet lessons, once gave me gracefulness in everyday life. Now it's doing nothing for me. I miss being automatically good at a sport. Maybe its not me... Maybe everyone is just getting better, improving, with age, while I'm staying the same.

I used to think characteristics balanced themselves out. You aren't smart, you make up for it in sports. You aren't well liked, you make up for in intelligence. I'm not good at sports, so what do I have that makes up for it? Maybe I just haven't found out yet. After all, I'm only a teen who plays sports like an 8 year old.
... When am I ever going to grow up...

Except not really. After trying to pass twice this year, I knew I had to pass this time. First test, hard to believe, was in May! It feels not too long ago, but in reality, it kind of was. Second test, even harder to believe, was in July. I hardly remember taking that test. Partly because it was Summer. And I don't remember this Summer very well. But third time's the charm!

Phew, I finally passed. And that's all that matters. Its like taking that next step in ice skating. But I don't know where I'm gonna go...

After skipping the whole day of school, I feel clueless and out of the loop. I was called to help work on the Sophomore float for Homecoming, and everyone was at the friggin' volleyball game so practically no one was there. Ok, so maybe I'm just being jealous. But I'm mad, too. Why does volleyball have to be so popular with our school? Why does the team get to move into the new gym, while we still have to play tennis at the Harding courts?! And how come no one comes to our games? What the hell makes volleyball so much cooler than tennis?
There I go again, getting pissed about how the world goes 'round.
Our class president is serious about helping out the Sophomore class. She's organized and smart, and she's not class president for the popularity. But no one cares! They don't want anything to do with her so they end up not helping. Just because she's not "one of them", they don't fucking bother. For once, leadership isn't full of popular kids, but no one cares to notice. People say they wanna dance on the float, bribing the class president with a helping hand. And do they ever come to help? No. They go off doing whatever they want, and take credit for all the hard work we non-leadership and leadership people do. I'm so mad at how High School works!
Can I graduate already?!?!

Yesterday was "tryouts" for the Tremors. I would hardly call them tryouts because there wasn't anyone else trying out. But all in good reason. I mean, I thought synchro. skaters were always good at teamwork. After all, that's the heart of synchronized skating. I must admit, I was a little disappointed. But I miss team skating too much to pass up this opportunity. For once, I think I've found something that I like in ice skating. No more stupid jumps and spins. Maybe my new focus could be synchronized skating and ice dancing. I could become more graceful and flexible! ... Ahaha... Well, I could always try.
Joining the Tremors is taking a toll on my pride. I'm too stubborn to join a team that I once despised. Its difficult to forgive and forget it all because it was so long ago. But because it was so long ago, I should be letting it go. If only I knew both sides of the story. If only I knew why they had the same program as us at Regionals all those years ago...

I think I absolutely adore nighttime. There's no buzz/rush from the day (which can be quite unhealthy sometimes), no screeching cars, no blinding boiling sun blocking my view (Hey hey look! Alliteration! :D), and no one to interfere me when I'm in my thoughts. It's just amazingly calming and peaceful. If I had 3 wishes, one of my wishes would be to have the ceiling of my room look exactly like the night sky. And the 2 other wishes? Mm.. that might take some time to figure out.