foxy

Surprisingly enough, I got a sophomore class t-shirt. I mean, I'm still pretty bitter towards high school, but I think the line between enjoyable and unenjoyable is starting to thin. After attending the Walk-In Rally today, I think there's some hope.

I got a small size sophomore t-shirt, but they're only in adult sizes. And yes, after hearing countless short jokes, I think its pretty damn clear I need an XS. So I decided to be creative and stayed up until 2 AM cutting up my t-shirt. Arriving at school, I got a lot of comments at how cool it looked. Which totally made my day.

So the first thing I did with my shirt was, of course, to make the neckline a bit more delicate and feminine. Then I cut straight down the back from the middle, made strips, then tied them all together. And yes, doing that took me 2 hours. But its not like that's all I did. I modified the sleeves, cut the shirt shorter, and adjusted the knots on the back. For once, I was proud to be a sophomore in high school. I proudly wore my t-shirt, branding myself with my class. I was peppered with school spirit. I even wrote '11 on my cheek. I was hoping for some green hairspray, but I couldn't find anyone with it.

I think I even partially lost my voice.

Each class has a float, and the theme for this year's float is old school toys. So the sophomore class chose Legos. Brilliant, I'd say, but not exactly the easiest thing to build.

I've been going to help with the float for the past two weeks, but at the most, there were only three other people there. So today, I suddenly showed up, and there's at least 16 people there helping out, painting. So of course, I'm utterly surprised and shocked. But it makes sense since this is the last weekend we have to work on it. It was so nice seeing everyone working together and having fun too! So of course, I jumped right in on the painting. Then there was cutting, and boy, who knew cutting cardboard was so hard! Then we glued, stapled, and touch up painted. I mean, since its Legos, there's a lot of geometry involved, which creates a lot of mess ups in measuring. Plus, its very time consuming. But the half finished project is very rewarding. It looked so cool!!

Yes, my knees are purple, and yes, my favorite jeans have primer paint on them, but I'd say it was worth it. Despite some commotion and drama during the day, we did good. Hopefully, it stays like this for the rest of the week. Actually, no. I just hope we can finish it in time and beat the freshmen. If we don't beat the freshmen float, I think I'll be really mad.

The surgery I had all the way back in August is starting to hurt. The orthodontist positioned it in a way where when I smile, it hurts. When I laugh, it hurts. So what am I suppose to do? I can't not smile! I've noticed that I smile a lot. I'm not sure if I should be saying that that's a good thing or not.

After having a long conversation (that's still going on..) with an elementary school friend about drugs and our peers, I'm starting to really hate and despise drugs. They change people! All my elementary school friends are now doing drugs, and its not easy seeing them do it. Its not an easy thing to point out, but I can just tell that they're different. Its really getting me mad and frustrated. But what can I do? I can't beat the underground high school black market.

Yesterday was dress like your favorite teacher day! And I dressed up like Mr. Jepson. Though I totally failed, and I wasn't the only one. There was a whole gang of Mr. Jepsons! But its okay. I was the only girl :D
Cuts and bruises from working on the float today. Homecoming is Friday, and to my surprise, I'm going to be on the float! Didn't expect that one.

Please don't tell me I'm flunking math for no reason. If I have days of paint stains on my hands for no reason, if I have a permanent stain on all my clothes for no reason, if I didn't sleep one hour last night for no reason, if my hands smell like egg for no reason, I will rip out my hair and whack my head continuously on my desk until I can't think straight.

Homecoming is today. Preparations for it started all the way in the beginning of September, and we still had to rush everything today. But there's so much thats frustrating me that I can't get it all out! It'll just come out in a jumbled mess, but as always, I'll try to write something coherent.

FIrst of all, there was a Homecoming Dance yesterday, which was stupidly planned because yesterday is a vital day! It's the day before Homecoming, so that means we do all the finishing touches and decorating. We were promised by at least more than 14 students that they would show up after the dance. But did anyone show up? Hell to the fuck no. They all went to an after party, hosted by one of our own sophomores. Although some people didn't know it was a party because there was some mix up about moving the float to his house, which the class president never approved of. So while we were working our asses off, they were drinking and having a good time. Some eventually realized that there was no float at his house, but they continued to party and didn't bother to show up to where it really was.

Oh but that's not it. Our float got egged, paintballed, and got yogurt thrown on it around 2AM, and supposedly, again around 5AM (I took a nap that time). And there were only four of us to clean it up. Who were those four? Our class president, an independent, me, and another person who isn't in leadership. I'm not in leadership either, so I'm not obligated to help out. So maybe I did bring this upon myself, but it could've been prevented in so many ways. I'm just trying to be a noble sophomore in a group that doesn't have many noble people.

The parade that goes around the block of the high school is when all the classes show off their floats to the public. So its our time to shine and have fun. That was today. But while everyone was cheering and waving, I was put in charge of the sound. But hah, just my luck. It decided to stop working. So everyone complained to me saying, "OMG WE NEED MUSIC. THIS IS SO LAME!" What the fuck am I suppose to do?! So some people start messing with the sound, and end up breaking it. I was put in charge for a reason! I saw how it worked, which plugs to plug in, which cords go where, and how to not blow out the stereo. But no one cares.

I guess I chose to work on the float because it took my mind away from reality. But the reality of the situation has left me with unfinished homework, undone tasks, and skipping a tennis game. I'm happy the whole float ordeal is almost over, but I've learned something about my class that I'll never forget, and I'll certainly have a hard time forgiving them for it. I don't think any of the effort I put into it paid off. It wasn't worth it, but honestly, it wasn't all my fault. If we just had a more cooperative class...
And dammit! My hand STILL smells like egg.

Home is lonely. I'm always home alone and I almost feel abandoned here. Home almost feels like solitary confinement. And I could say being alone and forgotten is okay, but really, I hate it.
Definitely feeling unimportant and unappreciated.

Uh..
Yeah, that was the exact response the majority of the freshman and sophomore classes were uttering after our 3 hours of tortuous test taking. Even some juniors were flabbergasted. Our district paid for ninth and eleventh graders to take the PSATs for free. We even got free calculators! Which, by the way, are really crappy.
There were so many big words! I don't even remember any that were used. The english part was okay. I trudged along, question by question. Its just the gosh darn math section that got me in a pickle.

I was "late" to school Tuesday morning, which was unfortunate because the school was preforming a "lock out". Basically, it is what it means. Once the bell rings, teachers lock their doors and students aren't allowed in. Then the security people round up the kids (like pigs! oink) and then write down their ID numbers. Then the kids serve detention. Detention= WAS. WAS= Work Alternative to Suspension. Work Alternative Suspension= picking up trash after school.
Its humiliating and demeaning, and I don't deserve a WAS for being 10 seconds late.

I wonder if there's some kind of mental OCD. Like once you think of something, you have to think of something exactly right after, or it just isn't right. Because if there is such a thing, then I probably have it. Doesn't surprise me though. I knew there was something abnormally wrong with me, I just didn't know what. So now I'm just guessing up random stuff that fits. Mental OCD fits it partially. I think there's more to it than that...
But doesn't everyone think there's at least something wrong with them? I mean, there are other people out there that question their sanity, right? Or is that me just trying to convince myself that I'm not weird?
Maybe its just an aftermath from the PSATs.

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would've been. Since there was no school today, I thought that my day would consist of sitting on the couch and watching tv the whole day. Thankfully though, I was able to get out of the house. Do some shopping on Telegraph with friends and hang out and talk. Completely my kind of day. A day that would normally leave me feeling very happy and accomplished. So then, why am I not feeling very happy and accomplished?

I don't understand why hearing people I know are out partying bothers me. I'm glad I could hang out with just a couple friends today. And I had fun, so isn't that enough? I guess I just want people to think I'm really cool, even though I'm not. What my peers think of me really still affects my decisions. I refuse to put myself in positions that are difficult though, like a party that has alcohol. So I guess I should be thankful that I'm not there, or else I would have a hard time of saying no.
I also refuse to be a conformist! In a high school that is filled with the majority drinking and partying all the time, I don't want to conform. There are so many people out there being peer pressured into doing things they wouldn't do otherwise. And no matter what effort you put into changing how high school is ruled by drinking and drugs, its no use. How frustrating.

I guess no matter how I look at it, I'll always be angry at high school. There's just no getting around that. So I've decided that I definitely won't let it affect me so much anymore. Instead, I should look at the wonderful things I did today. I won't let the bitterness of high school cloud my pleasantly spent day.

As soon as I accomplish something, something new that I haven't done yet pops up. Today was incredibly hectic and busy. All my fault though. For the past week, I've been shoving all my responsibilities out the window. I haven't gone to any tennis practices except the game on Tuesday (which we won!), I've been doing almost all my homework the morning its due, I haven't figured out the things I need to contribute to the Halloween party this Saturday, I haven't found a Thanksgiving skit yet, and I still don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween!!

I think I have a midterm tomorrow in math. Oh, I'm so screwed.

Possible Halloween costumes
1. Figure skater?
- Wear dress, carry skates, and wear one of my medals
I mean, its not very creative, but being the person I am, its a good way to tell everyone I'm an ice skater.

2. Lion?
- I'd have to shop for that one.
But then again, I think its been taken by someone I know. I strongly dislike having the same shirt or any kind of clothing as someone else, so why should I want to share a Halloween costume with someone else?

3. Um.. I think I'm too old to be a Disney Princess or something like that, huh? Darn.

So far, my best bet is in the figure skater thing. Maybe I'll be a dead/zombie figure skater or something. Haha, ya know, get into the spirit of Halloween or something like that.

Maybe finding a Halloween costume shouldn't be priority right now. Ugh, procrastinating really does take its toll. I missed The Office dammit! But anyways, I should stay on task.

I'm amazed at how refreshed, happy, and full of joy I am these days. Maybe its the fact that I've got wonderful friends that make me laugh so hard my stomach gets sore, or maybe its the fact that I'm doing pretty good in school. That could be it, but I know it goes much deeper than just that.

Ever since I've decided to get baptized on Christmas, strange things have happened. I sincerely feel like something evil is trying to break me down. Which I don't doubt is happening, but in any case, its weird thinking about it. What's even weirder is that it hasn't shaken me too much to the point where I'm doubting my belief. So as a Christian, I'm feeling very strong.

Before getting baptized, I have to go through this learning session thingy. I think its for 12 weeks. We just grow stronger in God, and start routines in reading the Bible and praying. To be honest, I haven't been doing very well with that. But that doesn't mean I don't care. I think its really helping. I'm prepared, now more than ever.

I like knowing there's someone who loves me, and cares for me. There's someone watching my back, and He's with me all the time. He doesn't show favoritism, and I can put my worries on Him. That in itself is such a cool feeling. I'd never doubt, because I can't doubt what I feel. And what I feel is real.
And I don't want to be selfish and keep this all to myself. Well actually, usually I wouldn't share. Heh. But this is just so amazing, that I can't keep it to myself. I feel like shouting it out.

My life has a purpose. I'm no longer searching in the dark, wondering what the heck I'm doing alive.

On a completely different note, I think I'm going to be Pippi Longstocking for Halloween. I just need to make my own costume. Hmm..

So you know that panicky feeling you get when something goes wrong? Or when you're late for something completely important and you rush so fast you forget what you're doing? Or when you forget to do your homework the night before, and its suppose to be passed in in like, 2 minutes, and you get that "Oh crap" feeling? That beeping alarm that goes off in your head that says "Oh no, what are you gonna do to get yourself out of this sticky situation?" Yeah, I'm not getting that...

Usually I'm able to get things in on time, no sweat. Of course, it usually involves copying some answers or BSing stuff, but it gets done. However, I haven't been doing my homework lately. I haven't even been copying down answers when I get the chance! Its like something broke in my head. That panicky worrying feeling its suddenly gone, and I can't make myself go into that rush mode that usually gets me through tough spots. Why is it gone?!

I've woken up late this whole week, and throughout my morning routine, I don't bother rushing. I just take my time. Sure, in some cases, not rushing is good. It means I'm more relaxed and calm. But I can't be too calm! I need a little disruption, a little anxiety in my life. It makes me feel like I'm actually alive.

I had a math midterm today, and I barely studied. For once, I might actually get a B on my report card this year. The normal me would've panicked and cried. She would've stepped it up a notch and do extra credit, stay after class, get things to be the way they should be. But I didn't do that. Its almost like I've given up trying. And that scares the hell out of me.
I mean, who cares? Its just a friggin' B. <- Did I just say/type that?

Productivity wise, I'm way behind. But emotion and feeling wise, I'm happy, and I'm content. So I guess thats all that matters, right?

Side note: Pippi Longstocking is confirmed. Though I didn't get the orange/red hair..