foxy

I hosted a sleepover this year!! One of our school's foreign exchange student from Japan came. We decorated my house (which I have to take down soon.. darn rain) and bought a bunch of food after school. I now have 3 huge bags of chips, 4 tubs of ice cream, and 2 juice cartons. Since I don't like wasting food, I feel like I have to eat it all, NOW. Either that, or I just want an excuse to eat.
I feel like a bear getting ready for hibernation. So much food in one day...

I'm starting to have back problems. Gosh that sentence sounded out of place. I think its just sore from sleeping on the couch last night, but just a week ago, I think I threw out my back while doing my hair. So.. maybe there is something wrong. I don't know though, so I'll just wait and see. That's probably not a good idea, but I don't feel like bothering my mom about going to a chiropractor.. again.

I adore the rain. Now more than ever. But the feeling I get is sort of.. emptiness. Maybe its a reminder of what I was feeling last year. Anyways, I'm excited for the Holidays! That warm fuzzy feeling when December rolls around. Its wonderful.

I'm starting to feel really lazy though. I haven't done much work...

When I see myself, I don't see myself having crushes. They're so childish. So elementary school, so intimidating, so horrible. And they hardly ever work out. After 15 years of life, I thought that that would be enough experience to categorize if something or someone's a crush or not. And yet, I still don't know.

This year, I've had a few crushes. Though they weren't very serious, it was hopeless and nothing happened. I'm not sure if I wanted anything to happen or not, but whatever. Now though... now, I have a serious crush. Maybe I've known for a while, but one day, it suddenly occurred to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was flabbergasted. I never thought I'd seriously like someone like him. Its also weird, because a lot of people don't see it. They don't see why. But I do.

Of course, there's always that thought of rejection. But my thoughts are being biased and interpreting everything he does into things that are signs of a mutual feeling. And that's just making me confident and stupid.

I need him to notice me. Not too much so that it would give me away, but enough for him to realize something's up.
And so the pursuit begins.

Waahh!! Things are going so well, I can't believe it! I have so much to say, such little time! Lets just say my glances, slow paces, and crazy actions haven't been going unrewarded. Its like I have a Guardian Angel, and her name is Sensei!

Since I'm absent of a first block, I decided to go to japanese class. I have numerous reasons for being there, but my main reason.. well, it was so I could spend more time around him. Even if we don't talk. That meant getting up early and walking to school in the cold, and doing my homework in japanese class. I went for the first time Tuesday morning. But first, let me explain Monday.

Monday, debate class was wonderful. He shook my hand out of the blue and in my head, I was screaming and shouting with embarrassment and joy. He wasn't himself that day. He was more laid back, more funny, more animated. It was almost like he wanted me to laugh! After debate let out, he slammed my desk while I was still sitting, got about a foot away from my face, and said, "20,000 dollars!" (There was a presentation earlier that had a reward of $20,000). That was Monday.

Tuesday, we made eye contact five times. I thought I already blew my cover, and that he knew. But we only talked once.
Today, I went again. However, today, the students had to change seats. Luckily, Sensei left me an empty seat next to Suzanna. I assumed it was for me because another one of the reasons why I'm even in the japanese class is because of Suzanna. So I just kinda of sat there. He was 2 tables away from me, and I was facing the opposite direction. Suzanna's seat had a good view though, but I wasn't about to make a big deal of out if.
As soon as I sat down, he said, "Tiffany! Why are you here?!" I just smiled and said, "SHH!" Ugh, it sounds dorky, but it totally worked out.
After everyone got settled, Sensei analyzed the seats and came over to Suzanna and I. She said, "I think you two should switch. You know, give Tiffany a better view of the class." That sly teacher...
Sensei still had one trick up her sleeve. The table next to us, she noticed, was full of asians. So she wanted to "mix it up" and switched him into that table. Voilá! Diversity.

Its like she knows!!! Whoa, creepy.
Wah! Anyways, my days are now filled with nervousness, fidgeting, and anxiousness. But I think a few glances my way are enough to keep me going.

I also played matchmaker last week, and.. it was successful!! Still going though..
That's another reason why I'm in the japanese room; to spy on them and keep track of the process. :]

I never noticed how jealous I can get... until now. I'm not so sure why its eating me up so much. But its a weird kind of jealousy. I feel sad, mad, envious, frustrated, and torn down all in one. Its like the ultimate blow.

I uncover too much, too quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew, and all the things he does are just to fool around with me. I put my heart out there, little by little, hoping to show a little of what I'm feeling. But I guess I end up leaving myself too vulnerable.

There really is no way to explain it. Every day is sort of an exciting and thrilling feeling. Yet, its some what gloomy and sad. I'm too impatient for such little progress! Then again, its only been one week. But holy crap did it feel like forever!

(Off topic)
I'm sacrificing so much for synchro. ice skating. There's still that part of me that wants to quit, but there's also the other part that keeps saying, "It'll be worth it in the end." But I don't know anymore. I'm totally, completely, and utterly confused.

I can't wait until this day is OVER. So many things happened today that I regret, and I can't get over it. I think that once this day is finally over, the regret will disappear. Sure, that probably won't happen, but I'll decide to believe that because it helps.

I almost hate sleeping now. Its probably the worst thing to do when my thoughts are racing. Every night, while I'm closing my eyes, I just subconsciously play back the day. And I really don't want to think about today. So I feel stuck. I want to sleep, to be unconscious and not awake, but then the process of falling asleep is just too horrible.

Ugh!!

Shopping for clothes has always been hard. Nothing ever fits perfectly, and since most clothing stores just sell clothes in large quantities, its hard to find something that fits nicely. Especially for me. I like going to more "older" stores like H&M, Forever 21, American Eagle, Urban Outfitters.. etc. My Limited Too days are over. No longer will I buy jeans from Limited Too and the kid's section at Target.
The only problem is.. I'm short. Finding shirts aren't a problem, but pants are. I've been looking for a solution to this problem for a while, and the first one I came up with was to go to the petite section at Macy's. Psh.. What a load of good that did. It basically had the right size for petite women, but the clothes itself looked grandmotherly.

I considered altering my clothes. Like go to a tailor and getting it done. But I thought that it would just waste so much time, and I don't need to go to that much trouble just to get clothes to fit right. So eventually, I just altered them myself. And, I must say, after a couple of months of altering clothes, I've gotten pretty damn good. At first, I sucked. I couldn't sew very well, and it was messy looking. But its better now.

Newest creation: A pair of flare pants that I turned into skinny jeans.
To my girly teenage mind, this is a big accomplishment, and I'm excited to wear them.

I want to stick up for myself, and tell myself that I don't need a guy to be happy. I don't want to become weak and pushy over someone, but I guess that's too late. I also hate the thought of having to let go. I hate when things end, and I have a really hard time dealing with that. So then what's the point of starting something that I'll have a hard time ending?

The confusion and deep analysis that comes with liking someone is tough to deal with. Maybe I'm just impatient. After all, its only been 2 weeks.

Still, there are some people doing it. Which confuses the heck out of me, because isn't that something you don't want them to read? Unless of course, you want them to know.. then that's different. Like if you write about memories that leave you crying at night, or how pretty he/she looked at a certain time? Or how much you really like/liked someone? For the sake of argument, if that specific person had access to that source of writing, isn't that just plain embarrassing? Maybe it's just me, but if my intentions were for that person to not read it, and they read it, I'd die of embarrassment. Then again, I'm stupid and I post things on the web, forgetting that anyone could probably access it...

Hmm.. that means I should probably delete some things.

Tonight's World Language Night! Free food from across the country :D

Today in general was SO GOOD. :)
A lot of progress made, and its making me hate the weekend. The day reached its peak during lunch, then subtly made its way back down. I was having a lot of trouble saying "Bye!" or "Have a good weekend!" or any sort of farewell gesture today. No wait, not just today, but the whole week! Waahh! I wonder what his friends thought during lunch...

Thanksgiving break is going well. But I ate so much! On Thanksgiving, I ate a bunch, then there was a concert our church was giving on Friday. They had soooo much foood! Then we had another family gathering on Saturday, and a 3 hour ice skating practice with a provided brunch today. I don't think my stomach's been empty this entire weekend! Wow, I should be thankful for that.

A crazy thing about this weekend was that I was always busy. From Thanksgiving, to black friday, to the concert, to 2 days in a row of ice skating practice... but wait! There's more!! The day isn't over yet!
Its amazing how unproductive this break was.

Our synchro. team leaves for Porter this Friday! I get to miss school (which is good.. and bad). We're headed for Ann Arbor, MI to compete! I find this super exciting because I haven't traveled with a team since 2006. But the horrible part of being new on a team is that I don't have all the team stuff they do. They all have team jackets and Spirit scarves; I have none of that. The jacket and scarf is important because its our "uniform" and it makes us look like a professional team. This is probably the one time I don't want to stick out and be noticed.

December will be fun! I can't stop listening to Christmas songs xD