foxy

The negative side of life is getting stronger, waiting for the right time to explode into my life and crush everything and leave me in a mess. But maybe it won't explode. Maybe it'll just come creeping in, little by little. I won't even notice it.

The only thing thats been eating me up inside for the past few months, is my temper and sharp tongue. I've realized that I'm an incredibly bitchy hypocrite, and I get pissed a lot. And not even for a good reason. Waking up to the sound of my parent's talking makes me so mad I could cry, being asked too many questions makes me annoyed, and just.. being bothered in general leaves me fuming. I'd like to blame it on genetics or a personality disorder... or just on the fact that I'm chinese. You know, the typical bitchy chinese lady who screams at everything; a stereotype I absolutely hate. And I do hate being chinese, but I know I can't just shove the blame on something else. I keep hoping that I'll have a revelation, and somehow I'll turn into a serene and calm person. But that doesn't just happen. I'd like to change the way I am, but its not easy for me. Part of me hates myself for acting the way I do to my parents.
If being short tempered and sharp tongued is genetically passed on, then that's a reason why I dislike my parents. If it isn't, well then, I just dislike myself. In any case, I'm just tired of acting like a bitch.

When I'm behind him, he turns around a lot. This morning, we were 20 yards away, but facing each other. Sometimes I'll take a glance, and from so far away, we still manage to make eye contact.
There's one thing I'm so thankful for: Peripheral vision. I could be staring at something behind him, but I can notice he's looking at me. Thats when I start arguing in my head; Should I look at him or not?

I feel like its already so obvious. Ahh.. Maybe he knows. That's probably why. Urgh, inner turmoil.

I'm pretty big on communication. If I can't communicate comfortably or effectively with someone, then that's a total turn off. Of course, silence is comfortable sometimes as well, and awkward moments are inevitable. If I'm comfortable enough around someone, I barely notice the silence. In fact, sometimes I love silence. Its like a quiet understanding, and no words are needed.
So now, I'm sort of second guessing myself. Maybe I don't know what I want, or what I'm even doing. But seriously, who glances at a girl more than 20 times during lunch and expects her to not think anything of it? In this case, I sure hope actions speak louder than words.

Hah! I should make a list of topics that I could bring up next time we're caught in a predicament like that. But who knows how that goes! It takes more than one person to have a conversation. I sure hope he picks that up...

Monday will be my first official day of break. I still have one more debate round tomorrow, and I already know I won't make it to elimination rounds, so I'm just wasting my day tomorrow! It makes me so frustrated.

I want to go to the AoS and see everyone, yet I also want to go to the party. And at the moment, I don't have a big enough reason to make my decision go one side or the other. I'm also not sure if I'll even have fun at either of them.

A part of me just wants to stay home and sleep in; something I've been looking forward to since Wednesday. But I also really want to do something.

I wish I could have my cake and eat it too.

Wowww. At first, I wanted to write my 200th entry after my baptism. But then I was thinking about how the New Year is just around the corner, and I could write an entry then. In the end, I just decided to do an entry when I felt like it. Too much fussing creates bad writing... for me at least. I can't write an entry when I'm forcing myself to.

Being baptized is.. well, horrifying yet purifying. Horrifying because of the testimony part, but purifying, because its like starting a new life. I just really hope that my testimony did something.. sparked a thought in my friends' mind, or changed someone in some way. After all, the whole point of why I wanted friends there was so that they could see the wonderful works of God and what He's done in my life. I wasn't speaking to gain anything personally, (after all, what would I have to gain?) but to gain followers for Him. And it was really hard to speak of certain things, but I believe God made these things necessary in my life.

A fresh new life, to a fresh new year. 2009 seems awkward to look at, awkward to write. But that also happened last year, when I thought 2008 seemed awkward to look at and write. It eventually grows easier with time. I just also hope that 2009 will bring me opportunities to give out my testimony to others, and more opportunities to make friends. Also, at this moment, 2009 brings me to think about what I'll do for the summer. At first, my default is ATDP. But I'd rather mix it up a bit.. So ATDP is no longer in my vision. However, I do plan to visit. I can't deny how ATDP has captured my heart (hehe that was corny) and little by little, I'll let it go.

My dad already has plans for what my summer will consist of. Just like how he pushed ATDP on me, he's pushing the Ivy League connection thing. My choice is Brown, but heck, I don't even know if I'm going to get accepted into it. I like the idea of being away for summer, but I don't like the idea of working. But I need find a job...

Anyways, I'm glad I have so many choices to choose from. I'll probably have summer homework.. OH NO.. which reminds me.. I haven't done ANY of my winter break homework yet. Ugh.. whatever.. I'm just going to push it in to back of my mind and forget about it until later. (<- Very bad. )

Bwahaha so far, my count this year has been twice. Yes, TWICE. Amazing! I couldn't believe it myself. I guess guys this year are really looking for whatever they can get. I'm still amazed.. But there's a part of me that wants to agree to a date, and just see how it goes. I mean, its high school... But gross... they're just... And come on, aren't I still trying to chase that one guy? I almost feel like I should be making some sort of move. A confession or something. What have I got to lose? He'll gain more confidence (as if he doesn't have enough already...), and I won't waste anymore of my time on him. But I'm scared of change. I like the feeling of walking by him, and the feeling I get when our eyes meet, and the feeling when he talks to me and only me.. I'm scared that will all change.
Hey.. aren't I known by my friends as being fearless? If I'm so fearless, why can't I just tell him I like him. Its simple and easy, and maybe.. if I'm in the right moment, I could. To be honest, in most of the relationships I've had, I was the one to confess first. Why does it have to be like this? I guess, with him its different. We're so different and things just don't work out in our favor. Why do I even like him in the first place?!

Plans for today

• Find some food to bring to the potluck
• Go running w/ Mariana, Suzanna, and Kelly
• Plan an outfit to wear
• Get directions to the party
• Maybe do some homework?...