foxy

At the party last year (that feels so weird to say), we were waiting for the New Year when the host's mom noticed the calender. Someone offered to change it, but she said no. Supposedly, its bad luck to switch calenders before the year is over.. If that's true, then 2009 will be an unlucky year for me. I already knew that though. 2009 just looks a bit awkward. Maybe its because I never really notice the number 9. Same with the number 11, which will be my graduating year. I partially believe this comes into play with classes. I've heard many people say the seniors this year are lame. They graduate in 09. Our sophomore class hates each other and we're mega lame. We graduate in 11.
I think my mind is just weird. Classes shouldn't be judged by what year they graduate in.. but I must admit, I think about it sometimes.

Its now time to reminisce about 2008:
I was a pretty unhappy little child during the winter and spring of 2008. Bwahaha.. I was rebellious too. Or I tried to be. Ooo.. boy crazy too. Immature is on the list as well. I also tried to get away from my old group of friends.. but I couldn't. Now that I think about it, the ending of freshman year SUCKED. I had a lot of lonely days then..
Not long after ATF, I was in a car accident. I still can't believe how close that was. Hah.. I also finally passed my senior moves-in-the-field last year on my 3rd try.
OH YEAH.. I wrote in a notebook. Hahh.. I still have it too. I stopped writing in a notebook now though. I don't have much time anymore. I still do Diary entries occasionally.. Wow, before I thought I didn't change at all. But when I actually think about it, I changed quite a lot.
I've done a GREAT job staying single the whole year. Yeah, way to go. There were also A TONNNN of regrets and "You're so stupid Tiffany. Why didn't you do this or that!!" going on in my head. I totally forgot about those moments.. probably because I pushed it in the back of my mind. I don't ever want to feel that way again. Ahh.. I remember the point in my life when I really hated high school. Also my birthday came and went, and I spent it well. Way better than 2007, thats for sure.
I think I've reached a point where I can be outgoing, but not immature. Also quiet, but entertaining. I feel like I've really found a balance in my life. So maybe 2008 really was a significant year for me. I just never noticed this change until now. I wonder if I'll change even more in 2009.

Either that or desperate. I mean, who asks, "So you only like me as a friend still?" like.. 5 times a week?! At this point, I'm done with the polite rejection lines. But then again, I don't wanna sound reaaalllyyy mean. At one point, I felt like giving in. I guess thats the whole point of being persistent though.

Yesterday I hung out with some of my old friends in elementary school. Hah that sounds like something my dad would say. Anyways, we met up in Berkeley, then we took the bus up to Kensington and visited our old school.
I guess all I have to say is that I miss elementary school a lot. Especially Kensington :[

But now I actually have a REAL high school! We're finally moving into the newly built buildings and there was a tour yesterday. It made me really really excited for school!! But not enough for me to actually want to go back. It makes me worried... my schedule might not cross paths with my friends. Its not longer an open campus. Its closed in with hallways and lockers.. And there are stairs now! Haven't had that since middle school.
Hopefully I can adjust to our new school.

He IMed me over facebook, but I was wasn't paying attention to facebook, so I by the time I looked, I was already 2 hours too late. UGH!!!

Actually, a part of me is a little relieved I couldn't talk to him. I mean, I'm a little scared.. what if I said something that was totally stupid?! :[

Its been 2 months. Wow.. I commit pretty well... But its stupid. The feeling probably isn't even mutual, so why is it a good thing to commit to this? Its just plain stupid.
But I can't help ittttt!!!!

We got a debate coach!! His name is Cody, and he's funny. I just really hope I can get better at debate! I'm passionate about it, but not enough to devote my life to it. And I suck... but being passionate about something doesn't mean you need to be good at it, right? At least, that's what I've learned. Especially through ice skating, tennis and debate. Piano also... Wow I suck at a lot of things. Haha.

I've realized that, like my mom, I make a lot of promises that I never keep. In my head, I'll say something like "I'll definitely do this!" but I never do. I make so many empty promises... I wonder if its a genetic thing.. same with short tempers. Is that genetic? Probably not, but it'd be interesting to see how these things are able to influence me.

AH FINALS WEEK. :[
cram cram cram.... study study study... work work..

I guess you could say this whole week was a build up until the explosion. This week didn't start out very good, and it never got any better. Its hard to believe today's only Wednesday! But maybe that means the rest of the week will start to die down a little.. hopefully for the better. I doubt it though.

RANTING:
My pre-cal final is 4 pages long. Since I'm not going to be in school tomorrow (French field trip) the teacher said I could take it today during 4th block. But just as I was about to take it, I find out that I can take it tomorrow. So of course, I decide to take it tomorrow. BUT just as I was leaving the room, I thought about how I really really really wanted to get it over with. So I ask the teacher if I could take part of it today. I did, and OMG IT WAS HARD. She gave me the first 2 pages, and it was.. no.. it took me an hour. I didn't even finish! So when I turned it in, she said, "Okay, I'll just grade what you've got so far, and you can take the rest tomorrow". Well that just blows because I skipped 4 questions.
Then during piano, I'm so damn stressed because I haven't done any of my piano theory workbook, and I have the test in like.. March or something. CRAP. So I leave it at home, and I get yelled at. Then for some stupid ass reason, I can't play an E Major scale! Its like damn, all that practice was useless. So I start crying because of all the built up stress, and my piano teacher freaks.

I should be happy about the French field trip to SF tomorrow, but all I can think about is the stupid decision I made to take part of the math final today and the rest tomorrow. The math final, piano, IE, debate, and my new classes next semester are just floating around in my head. I can't seem to calm the heck down.

To sum it all up... I'm just really straying away from God. I mean, I guess this could be considered as a trial.. and I need to learn from this right? Stress shouldn't get in the way of what's really important, and as much as I don't want to sit down and talk to God, let alone THANK him for this, I know I should.

When his back its turned toward me, his head turns around quite a lot to look at me. And it happens so much that I don't know what to make of it. We make eye contact during lunch so much as well. We'll be facing completely opposite directions, but at one point, we'll both turn around and make eye contact. What am I suppose to get from this?! I've contemplated going up to him and just talking to him randomly, to get to know him better. Or I could just walk up to him when he's alone, and tell him what I feel.

After school today, he was talking with a friend, and he pointed at me. He leaned in to his friend, looked and pointed at me. But he doesn't know I know, because I wasn't the one who saw it. My friend who was standing diagonally from me saw it. She informed me, and... I screamed. But he wasn't around by the time she told me. Its possible he just pointed at one of my friends next to me, but I don't see why he would point at one of them.

Its almost been 3 months, and there's been progress albeit very little. There's a tournament coming up at Stanford. Its an overnight trip through the weekend of Feb 6-9, and we're staying at a hotel. I can't help but to think up of random scenarios that'll probably never happen. But its the perfect set up! An overnight trip with a group of people, including my crush. I can't believe these things happen to me.

School isn't exciting this semester, and he and I know that we don't have time to play eye-contact-tag. He has a busy schedule this semester, and so do I. And in fact, even though this is my first semester without taking a math class (which is always my most stressful subject) my stress meter has gone through the roof. If its not school work, its ice skating. If its not ice skating, its piano. If its not ice skating or piano, its school work. Sometimes, its all at once.

The only sense I can make out of last semester is that it was boring and I wasn't really all that busy. So to tend to my unfocused mind, I found a distraction: a boy. And it was convenient too. It wasn't like I had to go out of my way just to see him or talk to him. It just... happened. This semester, however, I always have homework in every subject, and our walking paths never cross. The only thing that could possibly make me giddy is the Stanford tournament. Even so, I still have a lot of work to do to prepare for that.

To me, it looks as if when I'm looking, or when I'm "on the market" I'm unable to find a catch. But when I'm not purposely looking, opportunities and chances just fall into place. How frustrating.

I've also noticed that my whole "high school status really sucks" phase is coming back. I don't want to think about it, nor do I want to question why the heck these things have to happen, but I'd really like to know where I am on that status chart. I'm guessing its somewhere in the middle, probably a little lower. Then again, maybe status is totally imaginary, and it shouldn't matter. Argh...

However, we skated amazingly! We got 4th place out of 8 teams, and we even beat 2 really really good teams. This means we qualify for Nationals! It was amazing, waiting in the kiss and cry area, and hearing our scores. Everyone started crying, and we were all on an ultimate high.

Even so, its not enough to make me feel happy or anything. During the trip, I lost my sapphire necklace that I've worn ever since I was 8. And ever since that, everything went downhill. When I got picked up, my parents fought so badly... talking about leaving one another and how their kids have really bad traits and they blame the other person for it... It was enough to make me cry. I mean, it could be a sort of reality check for me. I don't like my dad's non-smiling angry serious stubborn asshole ways. I don't like my mom's loud annoying oblivious bitchy pestering ways either. And the more I think of it, the more I notice that I have both of those personalities in me, which makes me really angry. I don't want to behave the way I do, and I partially hate myself. But everyone has their faults, and as much as I try think of the good traits I get from my parents, I can't really think of any. But I love my parents so much, and I feel horrible for the way I am. They give me so much, and I don't think they feel like their money is worth investing in my future. I'm a horrible daughter, and I wish that my family was more.. stronger.
At times, I feel like there's a battle between pessimism and optimism in my head, and pessimism always seems to win.

For the last day we were in Colorado, I felt excluded. It was a nostalgic feeling from way back when on a different team. Different team, different people, but same situation. It wasn't a good feeling. I sat alone on the bus, and I tried to think about what made people so social.

Sometimes I feel like my brain has on and off days. Sometimes it works great, other times, it totally sucks. And though the thought of me going crazy pops up, I don't really care anymore.