foxy

Just before we left for Nationals Tuesday night, CBS news finally showed the video they took of us.
CBS News
Actually, we didn't do very well in Maine. Getting 12th out of 39 teams in the whole nation is pretty damn good. But at Nationals, there were only 12 teams. So yes we got last at Nationals, but we beat 27 teams to get there. And it still amazes me that, even though I quit synchronized skating for a little bit, I'm still able to go back to Nationals. I've been to Nationals at least three or four times, but each time is so different. Ahh.. this is making me miss Ice Mystique.

I've realized how much I like Boston. The history and the buildings... there's just something there that appeals to me. I really wanna live on the East Coast when I grow up. Maybe by then I can resist the urge to touch untainted and freshly fallen snow.

On a totally different note, I failed my piano CM. Well.. I wasn't told that I failed, but I know. I messed up really badly on the playing part, and I'm no confident about the written test. Oops.. oh well. I can just retake it in June or something.

For me, its pretty easy to get over something, or someone. I ignore, and forget they even exist. At least, for a little bit. Then when I can handle it, I'll resume regular thoughts and actions around that person. Of course, it always has its downsides.

Sometimes I underestimate my achievement/progress, and I end up taking 10 steps back. Either that, or I'm really curious about something, so I just have to find out more. But sometimes its like reopening a stitched wound. So I have to put myself on lockdown for a little bit; its like ultimate self-restraint. And usually it'll work. But I guess I can't really tell if I'm "over" someone. Since there's no instant "Boom I'm over him" feeling, its a gradual process. And I can't really tell how I feel...
I hate putting a name on what I'm feeling though. I can never find the words, nor can I even express my emotions. Sometimes I just have a really uncomfortable feeling, and I have no idea wtf it is. I've actually really considered talking to a psychiatrist, just because I do like talking about how I feel. Hahaha thats so weird to even say...

Anyways, I haven't really gotten used to daylight savings yet. Its too dark in the morning, and too light at night, making it hard to wake up early. I've also gotten used to the fact that I won't get straight A's this semester. I already have a B in chemistry and AP world... So although my parents (more like my dad) will get mad, I'll be ok with it. And with so many bad experiences with trying to please my parents, all I care about is how I feel about it. I'm done trying to make them happy. As long as I'm ok with my grades, thats fine. Sure, I would like them to be happy with my grades, but I'm not gonna beat myself up just because my parents don't like my grades. If I get a B on my report card, that's just fine.

With Nationals and piano theory out of the way, the only thing I'm focused on is school work. I must admit, it feels amazing to only worry about one certain thing instead of a million things at a time. But then I feel like I have an obligation to do extremely well in school, which is not happening.

Whenever there's a big project or whenever there's homework that needs to be done, I never do it until the very very last minute. I push the the stress and work that has to be done into the farthest corner of my thoughts, and I let happiness and carefreeness overwhelm me. It's such a nice way to achieve happiness. But it has its shortcomings. The happiness I achieve only lasts for so long before its clouded by the work that needs to be done. Its like the happiness is a high; it leaves me wanting more. However, I know a good solution to that is to finish all my work earlier. But the happiness I receive from doing work on time just isn't the same as those little moments of happiness. I'm never happy with what I have.
In no way do I live a hedonistic life. Though I do like to achieve happiness a lot, I don't think its my total goal in life. I guess, I'm starting to feel my goal whither away. My purpose in life... I'm not fulfilling it.. whatever it is. But anyway, I never want to do work. I wonder how long I can keep pushing all the work I have to do aside before it comes back to bite me in the ass.

I feel really troubled. I always thought I was a quiet slightly snoring sleeper. But, in fact, I'm a screamer. That's right, I scream when I sleep. My mom told me that last night I screamed. She thought I was being kidnapped or something, so she came in to check on me. But I was just fine. This is the second time she's told me I scream during my sleep. The first time was when I got back from Regionals. At first I thought she was kidding, or that I was dreaming. I was probably half awake when she told me. But anyways, I find it utterly crazy that I would scream in my sleep.
I admit, I do have nightmares more often than usual, but I never remember them when I wake up. I'm dumbfounded at the idea that in my dreamworld, instead of pretty flowers and rainbows, I'm screaming. That in my dreamworld, its a horror house. Its troubling to know that during my sleeping hours, I'm not just sleeping, dreaming wonderful dreams. I'm screaming! Oh for the love of- I just can't believe it.

Just the word creeps me out.
I've done some researching, and I've come to the conclusion that I might have night terrors.

But it says it runs in the family... So maybe I don't have night terrors... It also says that children outgrow them by adolescence. Am I not an adolescent yet?! :(

After watching Pride and Prejudice on tv, the Ice Skating Championships were on. So I was watching it, and the event that happened to be shown was ice dancing. As I was watching, my mother just oh so conveniently has to watches also. In a mumble, I say, "Ice dancing is really pretty..." and she snaps, "You couldn't do it."

I don't know what's wrong with that. I don't understand why that hurts so badly. She has no faith in me, and I've come to the conclusion that she is the reason why I was so hard on myself whenever I ice skated. It hurts to know that she doesn't believe that I could ice dance. For a while now, I've considered it, and I even thought about getting an ice dance coach. But just those 4 words from her has made me... question if I could really ever do it. I hate her for that. Her snappy critiques on everything I've ever done has affected me so much. And what sucks even more is that it still does, and that I've retained that wonderful quality of critique that she has.

A lot of times, I wish I had a different personality. I wish I wasn't quiet at the wrong times, I wish I wasn't loud at the wrong times, I wish I wasn't so judgmental, I wish I could be more kind-hearted, I wish I could be less selfish.. the list goes on and on. At certain times, I think to myself, "Oh, I should say this" or, "Oh, I should do that" because it seems like the right thing to do, but I don't do it because that's NOT who I am. Its out of my character. I wish I could be funny too. Then again, I'm being negative; another trait I really don't like about myself.

On a lighter subject, midterms are over and I'm hoping to enjoy myself this weekend. Saw a cute dress at Urban Outfitters that I really, really want. And on Sunday I'm volunteering at the ice rink. I didn't figure out until today that Service Learning hours and community service are actually.. really different. I had to get drilled by questions to get my "Service Learning" form... which was something I'm NOT eligible for because I'm not even doing something "Service Learning" related.
I don't even know what all my volunteer hours are for. I just know they're required, so I do them. Ughhh I don't like high school.