foxy

I've been meaning to blog for a while. And I had a lot of interesting topics to discuss. But at the moment, I don't remember any of them. I'm to overwhelmed by surprise and fear.

1. I love being a girl. Just because, usually, it means not making the first move. Nor does it mean you're really expected to make it. Then again, times are changing, and a lot of females are making the move first. And maybe being a girl doesn't have anything to do with this. Even still, its nice being asked out.

2. I fear awkward moments. He's just a friend, so I thought, "Hey, it might be fun". But I didn't really think about that.. awkwardness that comes along with dates. And a lot of times, I get shy. So this sucks. On the brighter side, its a good experience? Aw hell I don't know.

3. Fasting is hard. I went 24 hours without food Friday night to Saturday night. I actually wasn't that hungry. Maybe God helped me out on that. It was also really spiritually uplifting, and I learned a lot. If it'll stick, I don't know. We went to Hometown Buffet to pig out after sundown on Saturday. I ate too much...

4. I'm really irritable now a days. The slightest things are ticking me off, and I'm getting so bossy. Whoops. I really don't like how mean I am or how pushy I am. Grr... I'm a bitch. Haha. Thats something I'd love to change. But my temper just won't shut itself away.

5. Googling people's names is really fun. Creepy, but fun. Gosh I'm such a creep. Ahhh.

Spring break is this week. I'm excited because my whole week is already full. Sort of sad because I was hoping to relax the entire week... i.e. sleeping in, watching tv, sitting on the couch reading a book.. etc. But I guess going to the beach is just as relaxing. I'm so tired though. Blah.
Rock Band is fun. I like singing. I suck though, but I like it. Drums is fun too. I hate it when you miss one note and then you screw everything else up. That sucks. I can't do guitar or bass. Only easy though. I was going to go hiking today, (God knows I need it.) but my mom isn't letting me. Funny how she tells me how fat I am and then prevents me from exercising. Wonderful.
But, you know what? I'm not fat. I'm perfectly fine. I eat healthily, for the most part, and if this is how my body digests it, whatever.
I'm tired. I never stay up this late unless I'm trying to finish a paper... wow, this isn't really that late. I'm a wimp. Blah. I wish I could be a better Christian too. Sheesh, I am deeeaadd.... Goodnight.

GAH. I can't seem to remember what the login to my old computer is. It was only over half a year ago that I had it... and I can't remember it. At ALL. This is so frustrating.

I mean, really? How come I can't remember it?

Today has just been a frustrating day altogether. I went shopping in SF, and I. Couldn't. Find. A. SINGLE. THING. When I don't have money with me, I see so many wonderful and gorgeous shirts and tunics, but when I have money, BAM its all gone. All I got was a scarf.... crappers. I was planning on buying something nice to wear on Friday ;_;

I'm also frustrated with the fact that I haven't gotten any homework done. In fact, I'm not really sure what my homework is suppose to be. AH. Spring Break is starting to turn into something extremely stressful and frustrating. I accidentally called my friend a bitch yesterday... Well, I said what she did was bitchy.
My short temper is getting shorter.

I'm ranting and babbling. When you leave milk out for too long, it tastes nasty. But I think I'm starting to like milk... Everything seems like its changing.

... and all I can think about is how glad I am that its OVER.
While I was taking BART to Berkeley, I couldn't breathe. I always freak out, so this time wasn't really any different. Except when it was time to go up those escalators. There was a "Free Stress Test" booth just at the bottom of them, and I was thinking about how the people manning the booth would've loved to give me a free stress test. (I was pacing at the bottom of those escalators) Anyways, we met up, watched "I Love You, Man" (which, btw, is a HILARIOUS movie. I highly recommend it for lots of laughs :D) and went to get Starbucks. But I didn't get any. Wasn't in the mood. We talked, but I just could not look at him. I always looked away and stuff. That was a bad sign.
Then came the farewells. Oh right, did I mention, my friends were spying on me? You know how we immature teenage girls are. I needed them there with me. But not THERE there. So they sat 6 rows behind us and spied. I was planning on BARTing home, but Mariana was getting us picked up. And I couldn't have him waiting around for me to get picked up, so I said I was taking BART. Low and behold, "Oh, I should probably take BART too..." Oh snap. Then my mom calls me. (No.. no... not really)

"Okay mom. Make up your MIND."
"*silence*"
"What? Ok.. I'll be in front of the station"
"*silence*"
"Alright. I'll be waiting."
"*silence*"
"Bye...."

It worked out perfectly. Except, then I see some familiar faces. Ones that weren't the spies. Heryang and Ashley! We talk a little bit, I introduce my date to them, and vice versa. Then they say, "We saw Mariana and a friend here." Inside, I'm freaking out. So I say,
"No way.. really?! Whoa. What're they doing here?"
"I think they're watching '17 Again'"

I am so glad she didn't say "I Love You, Man". Anyways, he ends up leaving. But, of course, not without asking for a second date. To which I say no, but I'd think about it, which is stupid of me, because it might give him false hope. Stupid stupid me.

On a different note, while I was at the EC Plaza waiting for BART, I get a phone call from Joy asking about Global Expeditions. Basically, a mission trip. She was so nice, and she was soooo passionate about God, it made me want to be that passionate also. So now I'm signed up for a trip to Costa Rica!! Though I need my parents permission... Grr. Or, maybe I can go to Italy, or Scotland. Hmm... Whichever place I get sent to, I know its something God will call me to do.
Hah, okay, aside from religion, I haven't done any homework. Eep. Need to get on that.
If I've learned anything today, its about how I babble when I want to prevent someone from asking me something. That or I was just incredibly nervous. I'm a babbler. And I knew he was gonna ask for another date, so I kept talking, and talking. I would not shut up. Eventually I had to, and while he was talking, I just looked at him. For the first time the whole night, I actually looked at him. Weird. Oh crap, school is gonna be awkward on Monday. Considering the fact that I have all my classes with him. Wonderful.

He knew I was bluffing with the phone. LOL

Well, this hella sucks. I don't like this feeling. He wrote me a poem? Mm.. I'm scared. I don't like dating. I don't like boys. I've never done that. Damn. But aww.. he thinks I'm cute :3

Okay I'm done.

This past week has been just filled with awkward moments and glances. On Monday, I ignored him. Or at least I tried. By the end of the day, we said only three things to each other. By the end of the week, I was able to (sort of) look at him while we spoke. The thing is, whenever I'm talking to someone, he's always there behind them. So he can get a clear view of my face, which is so uncomfortable. What also sucks more is that we have every single class together.

On a different note, the Sophomores won ECHS's Final Four! Basically, it was a basketball game against the classes. Freshman v. Senior, and Sophomore v. Junior. The final game was against the Senior and Sophomore classes, and we won! However, our class is so cocky and cliquey, that we don't really deserve it. Everyone hates each other, and we aren't as close as the other classes are. It really disappoints me, but no matter how hard I wish for our class to be closer, its not gonna happen. Not even winning the Final Four, or getting a big trophy with our class name on it.

You know... dating involves a lot of awkward and uncomfortable moments. Both of which I completely despise. So it kinda makes me hate dating, and the whole weirdness and nervousness that comes before a date. I mean, unless its enjoyable and comfortable, then that's different. Never again will I force myself to date someone I could never see as anything more than a friend. Its just weird and makes me feel so creepy. Like I'm ruining the balance of things. I feel like I'm going to be single my entire life because of this.

Not only have I lost a good friend, I'm scared to date.