foxy

I'm starting to realize my faults more and more, which really sucks. I wanna be a nice, kind, patient, selfless person, but it just seems like something completely opposite from what I really am. These are also things I would really love to change about myself. They're also random thoughts I've had over the week.

• I always have thoughts that race across my mind, and I faintly think, "That sounds like an interesting thought. I should elaborate more..." But then something else pops up and I forget it. I think my thoughts have ADD, which also means I'm a bad listener, as well as a bad debater. Its also why my conversations are so jumpy; my mind skips around. Conversations with me are hard to keep track of, and whenever my friends ask, "So what did you two talk about?" I NEVER remember, because its too jumpy. This also means that my blogs never stay on one subject.... Wow this makes so much sense now.
» On the positive side, that means there's rarely awkward silences, since I always come up with these new topics to talk about... Most of the time.

• When I see quiet shy girls that have soft voices, I feel like yelling at them or slapping some sense into them. Then again, I'm quiet and shy sometimes. Mainly, I'm a hypocrite. The way I view myself doesn't match who I really am and how I act. Maybe my motive for smacking shy girls in the head is my mind's way of telling me to smack away that shy girl in me. I don't know, I feel like my mind is really complicated, when in fact, it might just be really simple.
» Positive side: It means I'm always trying to improve myself? Wait actually no, since I view myself as non-shy and almost "perfect", then that means I'm confident? Um.. not exactly sure there's a positive side to this.

• I'm completely stubborn. I'll rarely change my point of view, or my argument, or give up, or agree with someone. But sometimes it'll depend on the situation. If I know I'm losing, sometimes I'll continue fighting, or I'll just very angrily agree. Actually, this also ties into my short temper. When I'm really annoyed and feeling pestered/nagged, I'll raise my voice. For me, there's no medium on my volume scale. There's normal, and then there's shouting.
» I guess its good in the fact that I'm determined to win. However, this doesn't really deter me from quitting or giving up...

• I constantly wonder what other people think of me. I'm sensitive to their perceptions and thoughts of me to the point that I constantly need reassurance that I'm not doing anything bad or wrong or annoying. I'm a people-pleaser. I want people to like me and acknowledge me. I want people to be happy and satisfied with me, to the point where I feel pressure on myself to do really well in everything. Whenever I skated at a competition, I felt like I was doing it so that my parents and coach would be happy with my performance. I never once thought, "I'll just have fun with it." Its the same when I play tennis matches. I want the important people in my life to be proud of me. Honestly, I could care less about the not-so-important people in my life. However, those are quite few.
» It could be a form of motivation?

• I'm a compulsive liar. I'm the type of person who lies to make a story more exciting. I'm the type of person who says, "I went to sleep at 2 this morning!" when I actually went to sleep at 1. I'll be telling a story with an original real idea, but then stretch the ending a little bit. Sometimes, I even believe the lie I told really happened.
» I mostly tell the truth though. I'll stretch it sometimes, but rarely. Maybe it means I have a good imagination? Actually, no. I have a horrible imagination. I suck at imagining creative and unique things. But at least I know I'm telling a lie... and I do feel bad about it...

OH so I got a new phone! LD Xenon. Super cool and nice. I like it a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But materialistic, I am not. «- We had to talk like Yoda in English class for some reason. I have a freaking B+ in that class because I don't "participate". BEE-ESS!!! Every friday, people are suppose to bring food for us to eat. NO ONE DOES except for ME. What a d-bag. Just because I don't want to share my written thoughts to those.. monsters in that class doesn't mean I should get a friggin' B+. I don't want them to think I'm a total suck-up and that I have lame stories. Plus, I'm just too shy to tell them what I think about certain subjects. SO B+ MY ASS. This morning, I was about to go to Mr. Martin and freakin' go all master-debater on him. Yell at him and everything. Seroiusly, no one likes him. A B+.. SERIOUSLY?.. Although today, I did participate more that usual... I have to get that A.

I'd like to say that the above paragraph is a perfect example of all of the faults I've listed. You can try to find the truth I stretched, even though its kinda small.
I'm pretty sure you can compare the said faults to any other blog I've written, and it'll probably apply to those also. I just think that by typing out my faults, people can understand the way I write (maybe) and I can understand myself better and eventually change into being a "better person", whatever that may be.
This might be the first step to my transformation.

Summer.. so far away, yet its so close!! According to everyones fbook status updates, only 5 more weeks until I'm free?! No way! Well, I'm not exactly free. Since when have my summers ever been.. just, "free"? Never.

All I'm certain about is that I'm taking summer school. At ECHS. Its free debate/speech classes that get us prepared for the upcoming season, so I figured I might as well do it. And my dad is forcing me to prepare for the pre-calc subject test in September. That part makes me so depressed. But I literally can NOT wait until summer starts! I'm optimistic about it, and although my agenda isn't all that exciting, I'm sure it'll be memorable.

In all actuality, I'm terrified of being a junior next year. The SATs, the colleges.. grades are super important. They always have been, but 4 AP classes? I can barely manage one!! I have to revise my study and work habits... Ah I can already feel the pressure of finals breathing down my neck.

I hate feeling restricted when I blog, so I'm not going to restrict myself to just one topic. Basically, I hate it when high schoolers post pictures of themselves smoking. Its overrated and just plain stupid. It also sucks when you see someone you THOUGHT was a good person and innocent in those pictures. I feel like.. who can you trust anymore? Those that you think don't do it, do it. On the flip side, those you think do do it, probably don't.

The person I think I am is the complete opposite of who I really am. If that made any sense. In my mind, I imagine myself being sort of cool, friendly, nice, and caring. But by my actions and words, I seem mean, critical, and too sarcastic its mean. Hmm.. maybe this doesn't work so well in words. It makes sense to me, but I guess its a little hard to explain. And I'm too lazy to try to word it out. Its just.. in my mind, its a significant thought, though in words, its sort of insignificant.

One thing I learned today: The people we find attractive, we find attractive because they have the genes we want/lack. And the Golden Ratio is found almost everywhere, especially in faces. Which sort of objectifies whose beautiful or not. Which definitely puts a damper on how I feel about myself.

I never really noticed speaking as an important, basic part of our lives until two or three years ago. Even still, I never fully grasped how important communication through speech is. And frankly, I suck at speaking.

There are some people out there who are such eloquent speakers. They entice you to listen. For all you know, they could be talking about how the green teletubby is better than the red one. But the way they speak is just so natural and smart sounding. For instance, Barack Obama. We all know what a wonderful speaker he is. He tells jokes, and still manages to sound insanely brilliant. There are a few people out there that just have that natural talent.

I, unfortunately, am not one of those people. In fact, I'm the complete opposite. I've noticed that whenever I talk, no one seems to listen to me. Even when its a question I'm answering in class, or an incredible story; no one cares. Or, at least, it seems that way. Sometimes, when my brain gets all giddy from nervousness or excitement, I tend to speak incredibly fast and incoherently and slurred that I make really bad grammar mistakes and sometimes I say the wrong words and I don't even think about what I'm saying and it all comes falling out a million miles a word and sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about. Or sometimes, when I'm asking someone a simple question like, "Did you tell her what you were going to do?" I have to take a deeeeeep breath, and say it reallyyyy slowly or else it comes out like, "Didyateller whaya gonnado?" And then someone says, "What?" and I get a second chance, but I still say, "Did yateller whaya gonnado?", then the person says, "What?" and then, for the THIRD damn time, I say, "DID. YOU. FREAKIN' TELL HER. WHAT. YOU. WERE GOING. TO FREAKIN'. DO?!!?" I mean, I won't always react that way, but I'll definitely over enunciate my words.

Basically, to sum it all up, I suck at talking. I talk too fast and I definitely don't enunciate. I know most people aren't eloquent speakers or slow meaningful talkers, but I'm wayyy below your average speaking skills. I stutter sometimes, I slur my words together, and I just can't say the words, "sense and sensibility". I would know, because I was doing my book presentation on it, and the first thing I said was, "So I did my book project on 'Sensand Sensbilty'". Except, try saying it really fast and slurred, and thats how I said it. It was majorly embarrassing because I felt like I had a disability or something. I don't have a lisp, or a stutter (except for words like Th-th-that in occasional sentences or sy-non-non-non-nym) but I feel like I have a speech impediment, and I'm being taken less seriously because of it. I precede with caution whenever I talk, and in doing so, the things I say aren't the things I really want to say. It just doesn't come out right. A lot of times, I don't want to talk because I feel like I'll mess up my sentence or something like that. And it sucks.

Recently, I've been trying to read out loud, but its just not the same as speaking on your feet and saying whatever comes to mind. There aren't any letters in front of you to sound out each syllable or to slow down your beat. I just really suck at speaking.

I've been have a hard time sleeping, so a lot of my recent blogs have been my random before-sleep thoughts. I'd also like to say that for me, its possible to have a one day crush. But we'll see if it'll continue tomorrow or not. I hate stroking people's ego (especially if they're already conceited) by staring at them or getting caught staring at a person. It just sucks. I also hate liking a person all the girls like. Which is sort of hypocritical of me, but it happens in some cases. Wow, I think I'm the jealous type. But within reason... Then again, I wouldn't really know what its like to be jealous. Of another girl.

Something I've noticed a long time ago: The people we like all have some sort of similarity. Sometimes its physicality, sometimes personality. But there's definitely something. And I think thats how it works for me too. Sorta. I hate to say it, but what really attracts me to someone is how they look. I think. It might be personality, too? But probably really little. However, if there's an attitude or personality that I don't like, then it definitely turns me off. But hey, I still have no idea what I'm even looking for. I just know that when I like someone, I sort of get... pretty attached. But I hate the thought of ever being that clingy girl. I think a better way to clarify it, is that mentally, my thoughts always return to that one person. I'm also the one that does more than she should. I put too much effort in, I take too much of my time.. all that stuff. Usually at least.

I've always considered myself to be a nice person to talk to, i.e. if someone asks me how I'm doing, I ask back, or if someone tells me to take care, I'll say it back, or I'll ask questions about how they're doing, or I'll listen carefully about what they say and care about it. But I'm actually really selfish in conversations. Just today, I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time. (She has the same name as me) We talked for a little bit, but I just kept going onnn and ooonnn and onn! I don't even know what I was saying. But I started stepping backwards because I had to be somewhere, and I wouldn't really let her talk. Eventually, we say goodbye to each other.. except, I don't really remember how that happens.
Maybe she intended to have a long conversation. Like to sit down and talk. But I intended for a short conversation... Plus, I had to be somewhere. But maybe it would've been politer for me to tell her that. I think I continued talking because I'm so horrified of awkward moments. I figure, if I keep talking, then there won't be any awkward silences. I've also noticed that when I'm talking to someone, I'll ask a question, then I'll tune out. The answer they give me goes through one ear and out the other, and I don't remember what they said. To be honest, I don't remember anything the-girl-with-the-same-name-as-me said... Actually, this happens a lot. I suck at listening. In person at least...

I still find it weird that people act differently online than they do in person. But its so true for me. Online, I'm hesitant to IM someone first, or to say hi first. However, in person, I'm always saying hi to everyone and starting conversations. Also, online, I can't really cut people off or ignore what they say. In person, I think I cut people off and ignore what they say. Sometimes someone's voice sounds like background noise to my own thoughts. Which isn't good at all.... But it happens nevertheless.

Anyway, I think I'm done for the night. My entries are so long now a days.
I'm taking that World History AP Exam on Thursday, and I'm so scared. I can't wait for church retreat next weekend!!!!

I'm beginning to think that only a certain type of people can find and fall in love. Like, the ability to be socially open to new experiences and to like meeting new people. I think those types of people have a higher chance of finding "the one", but only because they are able to meet more people. For instance, I have a friend who shies away from cute boys she meets. But, like a lot of high school girls (teehee), she wants to be in love.
Maybe its not the action of being in love that appeals to us so. Maybe its the emotion and the idea of it. I think a lot of the media has got us so transfixed into what love feels like- what love is, that we really yearn for it. We want that feeling. Some even believe life is all about love. Without love, there's no life. Some strive their whole life for love. To find "the one". Why are there so many damn tv shows about finding love? Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, I love New York, The Bachelor...

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I know the love topic always appeals to me. In books, in movies, in tv, in music. Its freakin' everywhere. But how many of us actually find love? I guess the ones that really want it might more than those who don't. Even still, I've noticed that I don't really like books that don't have love in it. Why are teenage girls so eager to feel and listen and read about love?

On a sort of similar note, I'm going to prom. But its not my school's prom... And I got asked in the weirdest way. Well, not weird, but not romantic or normal either. Basically, I'm some guy's back up date, which isn't a pleasant way of putting it, but its better than nothing. If he doesn't have a date to prom, his friends are kicking his ass. So he tells me.
Luckily, I have a dress. It was suppose to be the dress for MY prom, but I don't wanna skip out on prom-dress-shopping next year :)

What scares me the most is the fact that I'm going to be in a limo full of people I barely know. Who are Juniors and Seniors. Wait, forget the limo part. What about the actual prom? "Oh. That might be awkward." Luckily, my fellow comrade has figured it all out for me. I'm suppose to hang out with them this Friday to "get to know them better." I'm still scared.

For some unexplainable (maybe explainable) reason, I'm feeling really happy :)
Maybe its because AP testing is done. Or that I didn't do as bad on it as I thought I would've, or that I have no homework, or because I had an unexplainably euphoric dream last night. Or maybe its because summer is so close I can taste it, or that I'm going to prom next next week, or that I'm going to retreat with my church this weekend. Or maybe its the fact that my crush sorta held my hand today and then got disappointed when he couldn't sit next to me. But definitely one of those reasons is why I'm currently dancing like a maniac in my room.

Of course the negative and unhappy evil thoughts keep bugging me, but I'm too happy to be bothered by it. One bad thing about this is that my expectations tomorrow are going to be so high.. I need to lower them.
One last thing.. I hate it when you like someone, and your emotions never seem to stay in one spot. They keep going up and down, up and down. Its frustrating. I also might go on a mission trip to Dallas, TX. But my parents might not let me. Ah.. pray for meeee!

YAY. Good day today. Goodnight world :))))

The whole ordeal was exciting, despite the fact that I had really low expectations. Dress shopping was great. The Macy's ladies in the fitting room helped a bunch! They grabbed a bunch of dresses my size, accessories, and shoes <3. But I needed the help.. considering the fact that I went dress shopping with my brother. I figured that since it wasn't my prom, I wouldn't make it a big deal.
5 inch red heels to match the dress. (I still wasn't taller than anyone) A black bow and red nails completed the look along with a black ring. I love dressing up! A limo picked us up, but not until after we took pictures. It was weird being in a picture with people I barely knew. It was at the St. Francis Hotel in Union Square. Free food, free limo ride, free ticket to prom. My date and I slow danced a lot. That was fun.. but I couldn't help but to think of someone else. How horrible... It was still nice though. My date was a real gentleman :)

I saw a lot of people I knew! That was awkward. Especially when I met them on the dance floor. Albany gets really down and dirty.. I was really surprised. My feet were killing me even though I brought flats to change into. Limo took us back to someone's house and they had alcohol. I'm proud to say I didn't have any! It was hard though..
We called a taxi service to bring my friend and I back home around 2 AM. Waiting outside for another hour before it finally came. Red eyed, cold, and tired, I finally got home around 3 AM. My mom waited for me. Gosh I love her.

Prom exceeded my expectations, especially since I didn't really know anyone. I'm glad I went. Now I have experience for when my actual prom happens next year.
Which reminds me: I'm going to be an upperclassman in just 5 days! We don't get out until the 11th of June, but the walk-out rally is this Friday, meaning we're being promoted to Juniors! Oh no, this means SATs and college decisions...

I really want a summer job.