foxy

.. and I still don't know what I'm really doing for summer. I mean, my original plan was to go to debate camp at school, but I don't feel committed enough. Its from 8:15 AM- 3:45 PM everyday starting June 15- July 10. For now, I'm trying to leave this slot open for anything better. I can't do 4 weeks of debate and speech. I refuse to! :(

My dad's also making me study for the math subject test over the summer for the fall.. which makes me really really angry. Maybe its just me, but everything he ever talks to me about is my future! "If you go to UCB, I will be so proud. Its so convenient too! Close to home and everything.." I don't even know what college I want to go to, but it probably won't be UCB. It makes me so angry how he wants to bring this up now. All he cares about are grades... It makes me so pissed off. I'm grateful that everything required for college will end up being taken care of, but I hate the pressure he bestows on my shoulders. It frustrates me to the point where I want to cry. I know he's doing it because he wants me to have a good future, but seriously? When it gets to the point where he starts yelling at me because I'm not taking care of my transcript or my schedule for next year, it just gets old. Then again, he probably doesn't think I'm serious about my future. I'm more of a thinker/imaginer than an action taker. I think about my future, but I don't do much about it. Which is why I need a job...

But I think I've found it out. This summer, I want to enjoy myself as much as I can before things start getting harder. I want to bask in the freedom and limited fun that I'll have thanks to studying. My dad used to teach me algebra during the summer of 7th grade... I didn't get it, so he got really angry. That was scary. I want to spend as much time as possible away from home, staying out late and having a good time. Hopefully I won't get too caught up in things.
Then again, I don't think I know enough people to be able to get out of the house every single day... I'll try. I've yet to get a work permit. Hopefully I can get a job and still have fun on my free time.

The Shanghai city flower, the Yulan Magnolia, is such a nostalgic scent for me. I've noticed that the two things that always make me really emotional are my grandparents, and Berkeley Iceland. Both of which correspond to my early childhood. I don't know what's so great about childhood memories; they're just so wonderful. I guess for me, it's a time before things got complicated, before life revolved around school, and before boys starting looking really.. really.. handsome.

Last Sunday at church, I saw my grandma, and decided to spend some time with her. I usually see her every Sunday, and I stop by to say hi. (Now that I think of it, I forgot to say hi to my grandpa too.. :( ) However, this time, for some reason, I just really felt like being with her. The thing is, I love being in her presence.. I just can't do it as much as I like because there's a language barrier. The one thing that makes me regret not learning chinese is the fact that I can't communicate with my grandparents. I can't tell them how much I love them, and how grateful I am that they held me and took care of me while my parents were out working. I love them so much, but all I can do is smile at them and hug them. My chinese is broken, american accented chinese... which makes it really embarrassing. I almost feel ashamed for not knowing chinese. Ashamed that all my cousins know and speak chinese better than me, and ashamed that I can't communicate with my grandparents.
Anyways, after I hugged my grandma, I noticed how she smelled really good. She smelled like a tree that we used to have in our backyard that grew and produced really pretty and perfume scented flowers. (This reminds me of the book 'Persepolis', near the end when she's talking about her grandma) I then realized that she had the exact flower hanging around the button of her coat; the Yulan Magnolia. She then took it off her button, and put it around the button of my plaid shirt. It was such a sweet gesture, I felt like crying. But the only way I knew how to say my thanks was to stay with her, and to let her hold my hand. Maybe the fact that my grandma has Alzheimer's really makes me cherish every moment I have with her. Then again, I don't know all that much about my grandma's condition. (My mom won't tell me) In any case, I'm incredibly grateful that I can spend time with my grandma, holding her hand, and letting her know I love her so much. No verbal communication needed.

Berkeley Iceland isn't that dramatic of a story. I noticed that its been two years since Berkeley closed. I feel like if Berkeley Iceland never closed, then maybe I'd be able to pursue my ice dancing dream. Or, at least, my freestyle dream. Gosh, you know, skating at Oakland made me so discouraged, I just decided to stop. But then, there are girls from Berkeley skating at Oakland, and they're still at it. I don't regret stopping, but I can't help but to think, "What if I didn't quit. Would I still get better?" At the moment, I was working on my triple toe, borderline double axel. Maybe by now, I'd have my triple lutz.
Anyways, the exact date that Berkeley closed was March 31, 2007. Two years later, I can't believe I forgot the date. When March 31st rolled around a couple months back, the importance of it never crossed my mind until a couple of days ago. I can't believe I forgot! And I remember what I did that day too. It was the day everyone saw my new haircut. The day everyone was complimenting my hair.. I forgot Berkeley Iceland for such a vain thing! How stupid. Whenever I think of the vending machines, the lobby, the warm fireplace where everyone used to socialize around, its such a vivid memory. I can't even remember any bad memory that occurred there, though I'm sure there were a bunch.

WELLLL.. this is a super long blog post. I'm feeling very accomplished and happy, since school gets out so soon. Just two more days! The feeling of summer is starting to hit me, even though the weather isn't even warm right now.
I've made a vow to go running whenever I have the time over the summer. Hopefully I can stay true to that :)

... and I have no idea what I'm doing. Well, there's a general idea. But it hasn't really been set in stone. Last day of school was really fun though!
Hopefully this gets edited later today... with a full report of what I plan on doing Saturday.

EDIT
SO today was spent pretty well. Originally my friends and I were gonna go to the Golden Gate Bridge. But since it was so cold today, we decided to bundle up in blankets on the couch, drink hot chocolate, and watch a movie. Then my friends rummaged through my clothes and started picking out outfits...

First day of summer, and its so cold. It just feels like the weekend right now. And I'm super bored!!!

It sucks when you get a "I hate you" vibe from someone you barely know. It sucks because you have no idea what you did... except exist.
Is my existence that much of a pain to you? If you have a problem, confront me. Just don't hate me for a trivial and completely stupid reason.

Sometimes I wish I could be that nice, quiet, innocent girl next door. But I'm loud and annoying. I speak my mind and I don't care who hears me. That part of me comes from my mom, who always gets into fights with cashiers at Costco, flight attendants on an airplane, and Häagen-Dazs ladies who serve you your ice cream. I don't shut up, and when I do, I don't listen, I tune out. Jealousy is something I hate, but I'm jealous a lot. I'm weird and sometimes I think I have a mental issue/disease. But if you hate me, hate me because I did something personally and intentionally bitchy to you.

Anyways, I can't/don't want to end this entry on a bad note. So far, summer hasn't been what I thought it would be. Its only the middle of the second week and I still feel like I'm in school. But thats probably because of debate camp, which is going pretty damn well. I found a DI partner, and hopefully we'll win some trophies next year :)