foxy

So I quit LD debate. Its tooooo hard and so competitive. Instead, I'm taking Student Congress, which is much more open. What's best about it is that I get to talk whenever I want, and its a better option than Policy. In Congress, we pass made up bills and resolutions. We can talk when we feel like it, and its more of a group thing, which I like :)

As stupid as it sounds, I wrote a resolution to ban fast food. I don't really know why, its just what popped in my head at the time. I've stumbled across some research thats mildly disgusting.
One-fifth of American kids age 1 or 2 drink soda from their baby bottles. 30% of public high schools offer brand named fast foods (Taco Bell, Subway, McDonalds), and childhood obesity has tripled in the past 2 decades. WTF.

July 4th is coming up. What's there to do? Absolutely nothing. Except for that World One thing at the park.. which happens every freaking year. I declined my friend's invitation to go camping so I could go see my cousin's new baby girl... She better be cute. I wonder what her name is... Anyways, today was very hectic. My mom couldn't decide what to do for our China trip in August. The only cheap tickets were on August 17 and 25. So I'm going to miss orientation, and possibly the first day of school.

Now that I have a solid group of friends this summer, my constant outings to Berkeley and late nights aren't initiating "boyfriend" like thoughts in my dad's head, thank God. But thats my dad. My mom the other hand believes otherwise. Whenever she picks me up or whenever I go somewhere, she insists I'm lying. "Tell me the truth!", she says. Funny thing is, she's always the one telling me that no boy would like me because they're scared of me. I'm too headstrong and weird.

I want to be happy, even without a romantic figure in my life. Its hard though, since I'm such a natural romance fanatic. Maybe not. I think that when couples feed each other, its just creepy. Maybe its romantic and cute to some, but I find it mildly disturbing. I seem to picture a mother feeding her child, not a boyfriend or girlfriend feeding his/her significant other. Wait, then again... I kinda like being fed. <- so lazy.
Super long ranting blog. My mind never stops thinking. I could probably stick a super confidential secret somewhere in here and no one would know. But I don't think I will- I only shower once a week- because I mean, there are crazy people on the internet!

So far, I've gotten a lot of things accomplished this summer. I'm starting to run more (ran 2 miles Saturday, and today), I've got a head start on debate and speech, I'm somewhat progressing in Drivers Ed, and I've gotten some things off my plate. Though.. I still need to grow. A growth spurt would be nice.
Summer's being hindered by those feelings and thoughts and emotions again. But I can't talk about those...

Twitter makes for easy stalking. :)))))

For fourth of July, my family and I went to my cousin's house because she had a baby girl. I guess Lia or Lea, the name of the girl, is called my "first cousin once removed". My blood-related cousin is asian, her husband is german. Together, they make what we younglings call nowadays, a "hapa" child. Half-asian, half-white. I can't help but to be so jealous of Rebecca and Frank (the interracial couple). Their child is so adorable, and I swore she had blue eyes. I can't help but to be incredibly envious of that little kid... and Rebecca.

So I'm not that great with kids. At least, I don't think I am. They're so tiring for me because I try really hard to impress them, entertain them, you know? I feel like I have to impress kids because I want them to like me, to laugh and to smile. The way I do that is by turning that happy playfulness on high. So high that I end up crashing in an hour. Then I thought, maybe this reflects the way I act with people in general. I want to be liked, I want to impress. The way I figure is that ever since I was born, my life has been all about living up to expectations. My mom is pretty, so I feel like I was expected to be pretty. That's pretty much shot to hell. I have a genius brother, I feel like I'm expected to make it to some big time college. Fat chance. My parents bragged about my wonderful ice skating skills, I feel like people expected me to be some mini-Michelle Kwan that made it to the Olympics. And I know that one's true since thats what everyone told me when I was 9.
Ice skating competitions were so I could make my parents proud of me. Since my mom would always yell at me for taking third place (which, I realized as I got older, is a damn good place) I never felt good enough. Impressing others was the only way I could feel accepted. I realize that I could only feel proud of myself by getting praise from others. Its affected me so much because now I don't even know if what I do is a good job or a bad job. It happens quite often actually. I'll think I did a great job, but someone tells me I did a crappy job. I'll think I did a horrible job, someone will think I did a wonderful job. One day I'll feel really pretty and confident, then someone tells me I look ugly. I can't tell what's what anymore.

Anyways, back to the little kid thing, the same thing goes for older people/relatives. I want them to like me a lot, so I try to act mature. I don't know what's with me and smiling, but I need people to smile at me. People smile when they accept someone, or are entertained and happy. Since smiles are usually contagious, I smile like a dumbass around people I want accepting me. And I laugh at what my relatives say in chinese. Maybe its because I don't fully understand chinese, and of what little I do understand, when it translates into english, it sounds funny. Then my relatives just say, "Why are you laughing?" and I feel like an idiot.

I wish I was funny. Then I could make people laugh, and laughing is one of the easiest ways for people to instantly like you. Thats why I do stupid things, so I can make people laugh. It usually doesn't work, and I make a complete fool of myself, leaving people thinking What the hell is she doing?
The only exception are the people I don't necessarily like. If I don't like them, then I don't care about what they think of me. But thats really rare. For me, a small remark like "You're so stupid" or "Stop being so loud and immature!" really affects me. Its like a fatal blow. I'm really sensitive to harsh words and mean glances. So sensitive that I get too scared to initiate conversations. I feel that if I were to ever quarrel with my boyfriend in the future (God knows when that'll happen), it would go along the lines of something like this:

Boyfriend :"I always have to call you when I want to talk to you. I'm so sick and tired of it."
Me :"I'm really sorry! I'll try calling you more often and IM you first."
Bf: "You said that last time, and you never did it. Why can't you initiate stuff first?!"
Me: "Well dammit. Eff you, I want a divorce."
Bf: ".... We're not even married."
Me: "Oh..... shoot, right."
Initiating conversations is really hard for me. Its like I'm giving someone an invitation to reject me. I'm stupid. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I'm still dreaming that one day, I'll grow tall and beautiful and wonderful. One day, I'll just bloom. Just you wait!! All you people that look down on me. BWAHAH! One day I'll be looking down on you!! Literally!

... I'm sorry. That was really lame and stupid.

^ Story of my life.