foxy

When everyone told me that junior year was the hardest year, I was sure that I could handle it. But.. I'm barely managing. Not only did I forget my password to my own blogging account (from weeks of inactivity, I'm sure) I got an F on my first AP Chem test. BUTTT.. that was a while ago. Since then, I've moved up from an F, to a C-, then to a B+. These are only quiz grades, and being such a horrible test taker, I can't rely solely on those to record my improvement. However, having chemistry improve means having calculus decline.

But how ever did I improve in chemistry? Well, lets say that my mom went on Super Mommy mode, threw a tantrum when she found out I was having a hard time in chemistry, and proceeded to hired us a tutor- our cousin. I admire her ability to talk forever and ever, but I also can't stand it. She tells me all the family gossip, my mother's past (which I really did not want to know), and then she tells me that I need therapy. THEN she rambles about her own "crappy life", crying about her own problems when I'm already crying about mine. She talks a lot, but through all the junk she says, there are some very wise parts.

My mother has always been one to overreact. The reason why I feel like I'm never good enough. When I had my second chemistry test, before she asked me how I felt I did, she threatened to take away my ice skating, my computer, my phone, cut the cable, and have my father babysit me while I read my Zumdahl chemistry book. Thus, bringing me to tears, having my tutor tell me I need therapy, rambling about her own problems.. blah blah blah. She's also the reason why I ended up quitting ice skating, and the reason why I'm so unsure of myself. The one person I hold a deep grudge against, is my mother.

At ice skating competitions, when you get 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place, you take pictures together on a podium. I remember one time, getting off the ice and having my mom tell me to take off my make up and change into my normal clothes. She knew I wouldn't get anything higher than fourth place. It was her way of saying, "You disappoint me, what waste of money and time, that was a crappy skate." I remember stretching every morning before ice skating practice, nearly in tears because my mom was over-stretching my legs, pushing me to my physical limits. She wanted me to be perfect. And her expectations were high. (They still are!) I soon dreaded waking up every morning at 4 AM to go to ice skating practice. What was the point? But behind the stress, the expectations, the need for perfection, the pain, I loved ice skating. Of course, I still do.

If only my parents weren't crazy. If only they weren't expecting so much, if only my mom didn't yell at me every time I got fourth or third place, if only... I know I'd still be ice skating. And I'd be good at it. So, yes, I hold a grudge against my mom. For ruining the only thing I could've been really good at. But I respect, love, and listen to her. Not because I like her personally, (because frankly, I hate her morals, priorities, values, methods, temper, stubborn and hypocritical self), but because I respect what she's done for me, I love her as a mother, and I listen to her because no one else in this darn family will. If she died, I don't know what I'd do. But there's this part of me that gets angry. Angry whenever I see a fellow skater friend who, honestly, sucked before I quit, but has magically surpassed my skating abilities. I'm angry that I quit. That I wasn't strong enough to endure the pressure. And I guess.. I blame it on my mom. Thus, the (some what) unreasonable and unfair grudge. But you have to admit.. she did some pretty inhuman/child service worthy things during my ice skating career.

Of course, when I can drive myself, I'll get up in the mornings before school and go ice skating myself because I want to. I want to ice skate, seriously, again. I want to get good again. I know I probably won't be as good as I used to be, but I miss my axel and triple toe.. which I haven't done in over a year...
Driving opens up a whole bunch of possibilities.
Like another way to die. But I will use my abilities for good, like going grocery shopping and running cool errands like picking up dry cleaning and going to get gas. But I most definitely look forward to the freedom. Only 6 more months!!!

Oh, and that story about how my mom told me to change back into my normal clothes? Yeah, I ended up getting fourth place. The people standing at the podium were staring at me wondering why I wasn't standing with them. HAH, MOM. Stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT.

Freshman year, I could procrastinate with no problem. Things got done- and on time. I never really worried about maintaining an A throughout the year, so I never had to change my procrastination habits.

Sophomore year, I could still procrastinate. Except I found an easy way: No homework at night. Instead, I'd do my homework during my empty first block, and stalk the guy I liked while doing my homework in the same classroom. Creepy, yes. But I'm a bit of a creeper when I like someone. (I can admit it because, honestly, we all kinda get a bit creepy when we like someone. If you are, in fact, NOT one of those people, just shut up. Maybe YOU'RE the one that's not normal!!) And my hardest class was, believe it or not, my favorite class. So, easy peasy.

JUNIOR YEAR SUCKS. I thought I was good at math. Math wasn't ever this hard or impossible to understand! So many places for little mess ups, opportunities for mental math screw ups. Bah! I can feel that Top-Of-The-Class spot slipping... And don't get me started on AP Chem.
However, I think that I'm suppose to struggle. How else will I ever learn? Learn to struggle and make the right adjustments. Except, I'm not making adjustments? I've accepted the fact that I won't be getting straight A's anymore, and that I might barely make it past AP Chem with a B-, possibly lower. I've adjusted in that sense. I haven't adjusted my work habits though.

I feel like I'm trying to diagnose myself. What do I have? What's wrong with me? Did I bonk my head over the summer and knock out all the smart brain cells? Why do I have problems with things I've never had problems with before? WHY AM I SO EASILY DISTRACTED?! I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that I am a student. My priorities as a student are to focus on studying, not looking good everyday for that possible boy who looks at me from afar and wishes I knew his name. Daydreams and thoughts like that kill me! Tiffany, get your head out of LaLa Land and into SAT Prep Land. You have the rest of your life to worry about boys!!!! Way to go Narcissistic Tiffany.

So today, I woke up thinking I had pink eye. I then mildly freaked out, stared at myself for about a minute, and remembered that I have the internet. Googled pink eye and looked at some pictures (one in particular that looked like my eye), and concluded that, I did, in fact, have pink eye.
I then woke my mommy up and told her I had pink eye. She said I couldn't go to school, and I did a happy little dance before I realized that that was a bad thing. She got up, checked out my eye, and told me that no, I didn't have pink eye. I just scratched my eye too hard.

I felt cool anyways, walking down the hallways in my sunglasses. I felt even cooler when I told this one guy I got a black eye and he believed me. But.. later in the day, I took my shades off because my eye wasn't pink anymore, and the guy walked past me. He then called me a liar :(

Remember that time in February? Yea, I don't either, but we can look back and laugh at my stupidity.
I so called that. I knew it was gonna be the stupidest move I'd ever make and that I'd regret it deeply. When I'd start to regret it, I didn't know. Well whoop-dee-doo I know now. After having a very awkward, yet thankfully brief encounter with the afore mentioned boy, I'm now realizing how stupidly I went upon doing what I did.

A friend of mine recently got told, "I like you." It was exactly like what I did light years ago. But after seeing the reaction of my friend, I understood how redundant that phrase is. Smart guy though, asked her out on a date a few days after. He did that one little follow through that I never thought of.
And, 8 months later, he probably thinks I still like him. One word: Gross.

To sum up the situation earlier today, school just got out and the halls were empty. The three of us decide to walk toward the hallway he and his friends were in, thus sparking up a conversation between the six of us. Lets just say that when I tried to make it less awkward, he ignored me. Wow, what a slick man.

One thing I gotta say though, I respect the fact that he didn't tell anyone what I said to him. Or maybe he did, it just wasn't a juicy enough topic to spread around. In any case, we can't be friends anymore. Its just way too tense. Hah, I have such a tendency to mess up potential friendships.

Oh, and my friend who got asked out? In case you were wondering, she gave him a chance. Well.. lets just say that he broke a nail in the middle of the date, pulled out a nail clipper, and clipped his nails.
Man have I been reading way too many dating blogs... Too eager to grow up!