When everyone told me that junior year was the hardest year, I was sure that I could handle it. But.. I'm barely managing. Not only did I forget my password to my own blogging account (from weeks of inactivity, I'm sure) I got an F on my first AP Chem test. BUTTT.. that was a while ago. Since then, I've moved up from an F, to a C-, then to a B+. These are only quiz grades, and being such a horrible test taker, I can't rely solely on those to record my improvement. However, having chemistry improve means having calculus decline.
But how ever did I improve in chemistry? Well, lets say that my mom went on Super Mommy mode, threw a tantrum when she found out I was having a hard time in chemistry, and proceeded to hired us a tutor- our cousin. I admire her ability to talk forever and ever, but I also can't stand it. She tells me all the family gossip, my mother's past (which I really did not want to know), and then she tells me that I need therapy. THEN she rambles about her own "crappy life", crying about her own problems when I'm already crying about mine. She talks a lot, but through all the junk she says, there are some very wise parts.
My mother has always been one to overreact. The reason why I feel like I'm never good enough. When I had my second chemistry test, before she asked me how I felt I did, she threatened to take away my ice skating, my computer, my phone, cut the cable, and have my father babysit me while I read my Zumdahl chemistry book. Thus, bringing me to tears, having my tutor tell me I need therapy, rambling about her own problems.. blah blah blah. She's also the reason why I ended up quitting ice skating, and the reason why I'm so unsure of myself. The one person I hold a deep grudge against, is my mother.
At ice skating competitions, when you get 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place, you take pictures together on a podium. I remember one time, getting off the ice and having my mom tell me to take off my make up and change into my normal clothes. She knew I wouldn't get anything higher than fourth place. It was her way of saying, "You disappoint me, what waste of money and time, that was a crappy skate." I remember stretching every morning before ice skating practice, nearly in tears because my mom was over-stretching my legs, pushing me to my physical limits. She wanted me to be perfect. And her expectations were high. (They still are!) I soon dreaded waking up every morning at 4 AM to go to ice skating practice. What was the point? But behind the stress, the expectations, the need for perfection, the pain, I loved ice skating. Of course, I still do.
If only my parents weren't crazy. If only they weren't expecting so much, if only my mom didn't yell at me every time I got fourth or third place, if only... I know I'd still be ice skating. And I'd be good at it. So, yes, I hold a grudge against my mom. For ruining the only thing I could've been really good at. But I respect, love, and listen to her. Not because I like her personally, (because frankly, I hate her morals, priorities, values, methods, temper, stubborn and hypocritical self), but because I respect what she's done for me, I love her as a mother, and I listen to her because no one else in this darn family will. If she died, I don't know what I'd do. But there's this part of me that gets angry. Angry whenever I see a fellow skater friend who, honestly, sucked before I quit, but has magically surpassed my skating abilities. I'm angry that I quit. That I wasn't strong enough to endure the pressure. And I guess.. I blame it on my mom. Thus, the (some what) unreasonable and unfair grudge. But you have to admit.. she did some pretty inhuman/child service worthy things during my ice skating career.
Of course, when I can drive myself, I'll get up in the mornings before school and go ice skating myself because I want to. I want to ice skate, seriously, again. I want to get good again. I know I probably won't be as good as I used to be, but I miss my axel and triple toe.. which I haven't done in over a year...
Driving opens up a whole bunch of possibilities.
Like another way to die. But I will use my abilities for good, like going grocery shopping and running cool errands like picking up dry cleaning and going to get gas. But I most definitely look forward to the freedom. Only 6 more months!!!
Oh, and that story about how my mom told me to change back into my normal clothes? Yeah, I ended up getting fourth place. The people standing at the podium were staring at me wondering why I wasn't standing with them. HAH, MOM. Stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT.