pink

Isn't Cindy cute? :3 I still need to start the next moogle pandie.

Haha! I am not late (well at least not compared to Cindy :p).

Oh snap its late. Sorry again. But not as late as Cindy was!

So I heard you like mudkipz :O!

And I only seem to post nowadays if I have a moogle vs. pandie or other doodle o_o

Yes, I know it's "not really goodbye," but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.

Tomorrow will be different. And maybe this time I won't cry so hard. I'm sorry.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Too many "what if"s this summer. Not as pathetic as yesterday, thank god. But I have to stop (or come back to this thought later) because I've annoyed the rest of the house enough with my nocturnal activities for too many nights already. Again, goodnight. But this time its a good night.

Later is later. I won't even try to go into why I'm awake. The house is quiet, its nice.

I won't put this off any longer or keep moping about the end. I'll cram everything into one messy, incomprehensible entry and keep myself from saying the same thing again and again.

I won't lie and say that I was completely happy with TA-ing this summer. Summer before college, most friends in the same year are taking to summer off and I have to wake up at 7, three mornings a week. I did more then my fair share of complaining, so its really very confusing and I can't figure out why saying goodbye was so hard. Obviously Kass and Trev are leaving, and nothing is certain right now, but thats not all of it.

So many undercurrents that I disregarded last year, and I overcompensated by watching and thinking all of this year's session. Watching is tiring, and even after 6 weeks I really can't tell what anyone is thinking. It's silly but I can't tell for sure and wish that someone, everyone would just take a minute to say what exactly has been on their mind. what they really feel. It can't be funny all the time and right now I'm still trying to get out of the mindset that everyone is an idiot. Too many people and each person with a relationship to everyone else, trying to figure out what exactly is wrong is exhausting and I really can't be sure. Ending on this note really doesn't sit well with me, but then again its my own fault for caring so much.

Every time I hear goodbye, it seems so final, so real. The End. But this story isn't a happily ever after, or at least not yet. The story isn't done, but the characters are scattering and the rest of the pages are blank. Somehow every year people come back and the story writes itself for a month and a half before it unravels into separate people, separate lives. Every year is different, yes I know. I honestly can't imagine TIC without Kass and Trev. I'm not so much afraid that this is The End and I won't be back next summer. I'm so scared of something completely irrational, that this is The End that comes in the middle of the story, not a happily ever after or even a real official The End, but an unfinished story. Forever unfinished. No continuation after this exact point. Not just a fizzling out and a loss of contact over time, (even though that does worry me), like someone just stopped typing in the middle of a sentence and left it forever. I'm scared that later on I'll be trying to figure out what I did summer '07 and '08, and I just won't know what happened.

Nothing is for sure at this point, and I keep on imagining The End. Nothing is done, the story doesn't even end, it's not even a story if it isn't finished. It all just disappears, and theres nothing left to hold onto.

And this monster is just going to keep getting longer because I refuse to waste another entry. Also because I have no idea what the point of this is other then to complain. Seriously as if in the past 6 weeks I haven't' been rick rolled enough, then someone has to blast that song and only that song for what, over an hour?

Satin roses was so pretty though. Really pretty. Everything in the store was pretty, delicate or absolutely adorable. I spent most of the day looking around and still didn't even come close to seeing everything. I went home with my head filled with lacy patterns and sequin/bead designs. Should have brought a camera, but at least I had my sketchbook. Princess Cindy (take two!) was so fancy because of all the pretty stuff I looked at. Yay frilly pretty lacy stuff! :3 Seeing so much pretty handmade stuff really made me happy and helped me get through the day.

Duude. I get so sentimental and type up a whole bunch of blog entries this time of the year and trickle off towards October/November. Pathetic again ._.

I was thinking (I don't seem to do a lot of that, luckily my brain didn't explode) and realized that I didn't have a great senior year. I didn't like my school much and wasn't really interested in people or friends in school. I blame myself for mentally filing people into cliques and making generalizations when one person was being nasty. Then again, I think I was making myself so unhappy because I kept making comparisons. When I first transferred 2 months into junior year, I didn't expect much, if anything at all. So I was surprised when I made some friends and had someone to eat lunch with after a week.

TIC '08 completely changed that. For the first time in a year I had people who were interested in talking to me, in what I had to say and actually cared about making friends. It was nice, really nice for once. I went back to school senior year and found out that in comparison, I really didn't care about learning, about getting work done or socializing. I'm not sure if that was just it, but with everything else on top of that I just stopped functioning, called in sick so many days and didn't turn in work to the point where I was failing school.

I can't believe that I got into college. I'm really worried that the same thing will happen in the fall, but hopefully it won't and if it does, I'll be more prepared. I really probably wouldn't have graduated if not for so many people who listened to me and put up with my incessant whining/complaining.

I'm looking at the wall of emo sounding entries and cringing. But really, at this time of year, its natural. Last year I was telling myself that I wasn't attached, or I really wasn't as attached, but everything kind of hit when Kass left. This year "it" actually hit day of, and I'm still not feeling normal. I know I said I wouldn't post anymore of this type of entry, but that last one was getting way too long, and this is partly about something different.

Dammit. I really need to get myself together before my mom finds out something is really wrong.

EDIT: Please don't mention this. I'm going to feel bad enough as it is. Really. Sorry, Thank you so much.

Kind of ambivalent about going. Take care of each other, I'll be back in 10 days!

If you didn't already give me your address I can't send you postcards D: