Too many "what if"s this summer. Not as pathetic as yesterday, thank god. But I have to stop (or come back to this thought later) because I've annoyed the rest of the house enough with my nocturnal activities for too many nights already. Again, goodnight. But this time its a good night.
Later is later. I won't even try to go into why I'm awake. The house is quiet, its nice.
I won't put this off any longer or keep moping about the end. I'll cram everything into one messy, incomprehensible entry and keep myself from saying the same thing again and again.
I won't lie and say that I was completely happy with TA-ing this summer. Summer before college, most friends in the same year are taking to summer off and I have to wake up at 7, three mornings a week. I did more then my fair share of complaining, so its really very confusing and I can't figure out why saying goodbye was so hard. Obviously Kass and Trev are leaving, and nothing is certain right now, but thats not all of it.
So many undercurrents that I disregarded last year, and I overcompensated by watching and thinking all of this year's session. Watching is tiring, and even after 6 weeks I really can't tell what anyone is thinking. It's silly but I can't tell for sure and wish that someone, everyone would just take a minute to say what exactly has been on their mind. what they really feel. It can't be funny all the time and right now I'm still trying to get out of the mindset that everyone is an idiot. Too many people and each person with a relationship to everyone else, trying to figure out what exactly is wrong is exhausting and I really can't be sure. Ending on this note really doesn't sit well with me, but then again its my own fault for caring so much.
Every time I hear goodbye, it seems so final, so real. The End. But this story isn't a happily ever after, or at least not yet. The story isn't done, but the characters are scattering and the rest of the pages are blank. Somehow every year people come back and the story writes itself for a month and a half before it unravels into separate people, separate lives. Every year is different, yes I know. I honestly can't imagine TIC without Kass and Trev. I'm not so much afraid that this is The End and I won't be back next summer. I'm so scared of something completely irrational, that this is The End that comes in the middle of the story, not a happily ever after or even a real official The End, but an unfinished story. Forever unfinished. No continuation after this exact point. Not just a fizzling out and a loss of contact over time, (even though that does worry me), like someone just stopped typing in the middle of a sentence and left it forever. I'm scared that later on I'll be trying to figure out what I did summer '07 and '08, and I just won't know what happened.
Nothing is for sure at this point, and I keep on imagining The End. Nothing is done, the story doesn't even end, it's not even a story if it isn't finished. It all just disappears, and theres nothing left to hold onto.
And this monster is just going to keep getting longer because I refuse to waste another entry. Also because I have no idea what the point of this is other then to complain. Seriously as if in the past 6 weeks I haven't' been rick rolled enough, then someone has to blast that song and only that song for what, over an hour?
Satin roses was so pretty though. Really pretty. Everything in the store was pretty, delicate or absolutely adorable. I spent most of the day looking around and still didn't even come close to seeing everything. I went home with my head filled with lacy patterns and sequin/bead designs. Should have brought a camera, but at least I had my sketchbook. Princess Cindy (take two!) was so fancy because of all the pretty stuff I looked at. Yay frilly pretty lacy stuff! :3 Seeing so much pretty handmade stuff really made me happy and helped me get through the day.