pink

Okay I know I'm lucky to be where I am in life, etc etc. And I really am grateful to my parents for supporting me, but right now I feel like all thats going to waste.

I care, but I can't make myself care enough about school, classes. Same thing as this time last year, except my mom isn't here to baby me and scold me for not focusing. Oh, and I'm also in a completely different environment and this time I'm not thinking about college apps.

I can worry obsessively over things, but it doesn't mean that they'll get done, and it definitely doesn't guarantee good grades. Blah, blah grades aren't everything, I know. I'm not stupid but at the same time I'd rather sleep the day away rather then sit down and focus.

I can't tell if I'm worried because I really feel like a failure, or I'm worried because other people form judgments when I'm not doing well academically.

And while all this is very big, very important the little stuff still bothers me a lot. I refuse to depend on something else more then I depend on myself. I totally utterly refuse. I will not panic.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself. Stupid. Stupid. Idiot. It seems like all I'm good at is feeling sorry for myself.