aurgghhhh
August 19, 2009
Home. Unhappy. Bored.
Been doing nothing but feverishly drawing gaia commissions, playing badminton till the point that I can't hold my racket anymore, and tutoring.. but I'll be done with this tutoring job Thursday.
Fhaa. I should be resting. Yeah, I should. But I can't stand this... this doing of absolutely nothing.
I've been sleeping after 4am, waking up after noon whenever I don't have to get up for something. :sigh:
I'm constantly grumpy now. What can I say, I'm trapped home and stare out the window the the sunny hillside all day and never get out. I keep snapping at my mom. I ignore my sister when she talks. I go out late at night without thinking twice now. Well no, I still a bit guilty for going out and getting home after midnight. But I don't really... care? Somethings not quite right.
I don't have my own space anymore. There's no place for me to retire to get peace and quiet. There's nowhere I can go to be alone just for a few minutes. There's no where for me to get away from everything.
I'm also guilty of letting my weblog die. It's been so many years and my posting streak hasn't ever been this bad even during my busiest times. I used to write to keep an honest record of my everyday thoughts so I could look back. But now I feel that my readers won't agree with what I've had to say recently. There's so much I've wanted to write but there's just as much that I can't say here anymore.
To be completely honest, I've been thinking it's time to start up a weblog somewhere else. Somewhere only I could run to and write till my heart's content. And maybe if you cared enough, you'd come to find me.
Posted at 4:10 AM
nostalgia
August 10, 2009
I went grocery shopping on Clement, a busy street lined with markets looking very similar to China Town. The feel of all the bustling of people cramming through tight spaces and the busy shops lined with customers surfaced memories of when I used to make frequent visits to this street with my mom. I was barely big enough to push through the massive grown ups or even to see past the mobs of people to follow my mom.
The library I used to make frequent trips to as a kid is just off of Clement. When I moved to Daly City sometime in the fourth grade, these trips halted completely. It was under renovation for a while recently and was completely closed. Two new wings were added to the old, victorian building, the playground in front was completely demolished to put up a new, more aerodynamic one. I hadn't bothered to keep up with the renovation or the reopening of this library but Lina made a comment about the new library and how she read about the ways it was changed. We decided to make a quick stop before it closed during before we started shopping.
Entering from the back side (the enterance to the adult section), brought back no memories. I had absolutely no recollections of what it used to look like. But of course not, I was in elementary school, I only ever entered from the kids floor. But even still, as soon as I entered the library to see the new shelves, the restored ceilings an lighting, and the people busily minding their own business safely engulfed in a book, I was overcome with the sensation of wait-this-isn't-quite-right. It felt different. It felt small and crowded rather than overwhelmingly large and intimidating as I remember as a kid. I would never like to run up back in the days because I felt too small and too knowledgeable to mingle with the adults reading their novels in this massive top floor.
I eagerly made my way to the bottom floor, curious to see how different it was. As soon as I entered the doors, I was over come by a sense of unfamiliarity and the "holy shit. Is this the right place?" The ceiling was lower and the room was brighter and more vibrant. And the kids... there were so many kids! I often remember feeling like I owned the big spacious library when I went because there normally was so few people. I barely have any detailed memory of how it used to look but I remember a big open space with shelves barely taller than I was that made squares around the room and walls lined with books I never bothered to touch because they were too high. The low ceiling and the small room made it so that there was barely any space for tables for the kids to sit and read. Small. Very small. But wait, weren't extensions to the building made? I swear that it wasn't just me growing up and getting taller. The room, it shrank!
The playground outside I remember quiet well. There was a wooden play structure and had a decent size sand box that I loved to dig in as far as I possible could. The play structure was tall, very tall, in comparison to what it is now. I used to scale the sides and rails that I shouldn't have and tried to find the highest points to jump from. Heights that would terrify me today had I tried. That's what I loved about this park, though, the fact that I could go beyond the limits and explore more than the designers intended. I was very displeased with this new one. It was designed for safety, no higher than one stepping platform, is much much smaller in size in terms of square feet, and has no sand. Granted, I was surprised at how modern looking the entire structure now appeared and at how many kids were running around with parents playing. But no, I used to play on this structure with few other kids, sometimes having the entire thing to share with my siblings.
I left the library with a haunting feeling of "wow, it's been years, hasn't it?", completely in awe of how much my surroundings have changed without a clue while I was away.
My high school, too, is undergoing ridiculous amounts of renovation. Trenches in the grass were being dug for pipelines. The band room's moldy carpet has been torn out and replaced by shiny tiles. The first breathe of air you take when you first walk is no longer terribly stuffy and terrifying. The entire room looks brighter and bigger. Some of it has to do with the fact that a lot of the stuff is still packed away somewhere from the construction. The room looks extremely clean. Very very very clean. It's a miracle.
Seeing my friends who are now high school seniors was heart-warming. I felt really loved the way everyone welcomed me. I missed them, after not seeing or talking to them for so long. It's really surprising to find that not being there actually affects them in so many ways. Wait, what was I doing there in the first place? and why were they all there during the summer?
Band camp! Being around the community set by the band program was heart warming. I quietly stood on the side, admiring now much fun everyone was having and the close bonds every had. They all had smiles on and they were all doing their best to learn. The trumpets trying to hit those ridiculous high notes that, for some odd reason, appear in marches although marching is the time you want them the least because you're worrying about 10 million other things while marching. The alumni were all trying their best to teach the new students how to march, how to twirl a flag, and how they should be responding to commands. Learning to march was a pain. I genuinely did not like it but I saw the students improving. The flag routines were being memorized slowly and people were slowly figuring out drill down commands.
I miss this family. I really really do.
Posted at 11:44 PM
shrink film
August 6, 2009
I found a new toy. <3 <3
I was able to run to get myself to quickly and sit down for a couple of hours writing evals, update tasto.com, and upload something to deviantART. :) In the process, I bought shrink film and ingredients to make a cheesecake with.
I feel rather accomplished. lol. It's more than I've been doing for the past few days.
I also finally convinced myself to start sketching pages of that manga I planned to make... gee... it's what... 5 years ago, now?.. +.+ I'm 12 pages in without inking/editing.
I also stumbled on m long forgotten 100 themes challenged last night. :) Wish me luck?
Hum... and suddenly the internet I'm stealing is working great.....
:P Must be a sign I shouldn't sleep.
But too bad I'm getting up early laterrrr. Oh my luck.
Posted at 12:28 AM
