Why am I such an emotional wreck? There has not been a day after CSE ended that I have not teared up at the thought of my fellow teachers and students. I seem to cherish memories so deeply that I cannot help but be sentimental about everything. Why does it matter at all that I keep old ticket stubs, receipts, and posters? It does not make me happier; in fact, it makes me long for what I had. I cling to the past like a baby to its mother and yet it is something that gives me a sharp quick pain. Maybe I need these things to move forward, to fuel me towards some sort of goal that I have yet to formulate. Maybe I need this longing to remind me I do not have everything that I want. Maybe this nostalgia is here for me so that I recognize that what is important are people. So what is the catalyst that has brought me to this topic? My Hong Kong kids, namely Mani, decided to create a slideshow/movie for the B5 classroom and me. Every time I watch it to the end, I begin to tear up because of the closing notes, asking me to comeback, telling me they will be waiting for me, telling me that they miss me. How can you not get emotional with that? I want to promise them that I will be back, both my Shanghai and Hong Kong kids, but I do not want to make promises I cannot keep. I guess there lies the inherent weakness to my principles. I will always keep my promises, but because I have such a mentality, I will be too scared to make promises that I cannot be certain of. I cannot give them or myself the sense of hope that we want.
On the same note, I wish I could promise my grandmother she will be all right. I sit by her side and watch her as she mumbles incoherently with oxygen being fed to her by a machine and think about how much I will miss this little old woman even though I never saw myself as being especially close. What is it about relationships that make them so strong. How can be so close with kids I only worked with for only three weeks? How can I be so emotional about my grandmother, when I cannot recall fond memories? It is all very strange. This relationship I have with them makes me want to haphazardly make promises. It makes me think that it does not matter whether I keep them as long as I can make them happy. But perhaps I have this all wrong. Perhaps I should make these promises because by making them I will keep them. A self-fulfilling prophecy, right? It is too late for me to consol my grandmother because she no longer understands what I say and I lack the ability to sufficiently express my emotions in Cantonese to her, which I deeply regret. I love you grandma. I wish people would treat you better.
I suppose this is where I can make a fresh start. I promise I will be back. I promise I will see you again. I promise Boey, Carol, David, Isis, Jason, Jeri, Jill, Lee, Mana, Mani, River, Shirley, Vivien, and Xu. I also promise that I will find out why you left, Natalie. Promise.
Thank you all for giving me back what I lost, faith in promises. I hope you will all make a similar promise and stay true to it. Best wishes from your teacher.
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[edit] Sorry, Heun, I had to add the paragraph tags to your post in my search for validation.