Torrent of Rain

I am a robot.
I am not a human being, but a machine resembling a human being.
I do not speak. I do not dare to speak.

The tears I cry turn to blotches on my notepaper.
Salty ingredients.
Simple; yet filled with so much complexity and sorrow.
Confusion and red fog.
Android.
Staring off at the planes that aren't there anymore.
Misery overtakes.

Then I am dead.

http://kokilove.tumblr.com/

^^New blog.
But I really like the posts that I wrote in this blog. Brings back many memories. <3

Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight.

<3

Hello blog.

If you really want to know the truth, life isn't that great right now.
The past month, I've been attending brief (sometimes) sessions with my therapist (Steven) and it helps a little. I wished I could find someone who has the time, and who I can fully trust. Not that I don't trust Steven, but it gets a little hectic.
So there's this occurrence that really bugs me right now. My bird flew away. Cricket, I mean. I just can't believe it. I didn't even get to say goodbye. He's been gone for two days now. I hope he is still out there somewhere, either surviving on his own or living with somebody who picked him up. My sister is going to post signs around town for him. Lost.

As of school, hm. Basically, it SUCKS. School can go to hell because it is seriously mentally damaging me and I am aware of it. Right now I have like NO A's at ALL.
Today Nak talked to me about progress report grades and he almost made me fucking cry because he was telling me that I would be shocked to hear that he'll be temporarily putting a B+ on my progress report. And the things that I've done "wrong" are: 1) Not fully participating in curriculum, 2) Not telling my "boss" (AKA ASB PREZ) what's been going on, 3) being rude.

OKAY. FIRST OF ALL. I DO FULLY PARTICIPATE IN CURRICULUM AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY THE FUCK THEY WOULD TELL ME THAT. They fucking PISS me OFF. And second, I am the fucking commissioner of diversity. I work on ongoing things such as historical/ cultural months and charities. THIS IS WHERE SENATE COMES INTO PLAY. Am I supposed to go up to her EVERY SINGLE DAY that "OH JUST A REMINDER THIS IS BREAST CANCER MONTH!!?!??!?!?!" DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. Just because I know what I'm doing doesn't mean that I don't tell her what's going on. I DO tell her. And wtf whatever. And third, that rude comment is so fake. The senior class prez probably just caught me saying something "rude" to my committee member or something JUST AT THE MOMENT when we were probably actually messing around with each other. Dude. But I do not deserve a B+. I've worked hard and have more pluses than checks. SO unfair.
Anyway, enough of this leadership shit. I don't want to deal with it.
(I feel like I'm beginning to talk like Holden Caufield. Ah, AP English teacher, what have you done to me? I've been morally corrupted)
Besides my literally failing grades, water polo even puts stress on me now. People are expecting way too much out of me. My teammates seem to have this slight grudge against me for some reason. Have I seriously gone insane? Water polo helps me force the pain out from inside me, though. So I guess it could be sort of a plus.
AND NOW, MY PIANO EXAM IS COMING UP IN JUST...16 DAYS. 16 DAYS!!!!!! I am so behind!! I really need to practice but this week, I've got homecoming float building, water polo practice, piano practice, games, and CRAPLOADS of homework.
Stressful. I wonder when I will reach my limit.

For now, I am just trying to stay alive.
Dear God, please keep me alive.